John Bull 

and 

his Island 

BY MAX O'RELL • 



TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH 
UNDER THE SUPERJ^ISION OF THE AUTHOR. 

"C'EST icy UN LIVRE DE BONNE FOY, LECTEUR." 

Montaigne. 

NEW -YORK: 
CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS. 



lepartm 



y.-. 

^ Y. 



X^ 



Authorised Edition- 



r TRANSFER 



CONTENTS. 



L 

John Bull — 7 'he Sun never sets on his Empire — Description of his 
Domains in this World — Other British Possessions — Wicked- 
ness of some of John Bull's Enemies — How to make Colonies, 
how to keep them, and how to lose them 1-5 

IL 

*' Possession Nine Points of the Law " — An Obscure Hero — 
*'Home, Sweet Home" — Obstinate as a Mule — Paddle the 
Light Canoe^Queer Honeymoons — Up hill 6-12 

IIL 

John Bull and his Hat — Omnibuses — Every Man for Himself — 
Competition open to All — The Fittest will Survive — John Bull 
and his Castle — The Sun shines for all alike '^3-'^S 

IV. 

The Railroads — Dangers of the Ladies' Compartments — The Age 
of Steam— The Post— The City— The Lord Mayor 16-23 

V. 

The Family — Mammas — Delightful Papas — Stepmothers — Differ- 
ence between a Misfortune and an Accident— How to get rid 
of a Mother-in-law — Carrying off Simulated — An Uncomfor- 
table Quarter of an Hour — The Nobleman and his Grateful 
Country 24-3I 



IV CONTENTS. 

VL 

The Women — Esthetes — When an Englishwoman limps all the 
Englishwomen limp — French Girls and English Girls — Liberty 
and Independence — Breach of Promise — Matrimony made easy 
— The Women of the Lower Classes — Unsavoury Flower-Girls 
— Couleur Isabelle 32-42 

VIL 

Cardboard Villas — Magic Boots — London Tradespeople — Shop 

Signs — Advertisements — Sandwiches — C?^, a French Indefinite 

Pronoun — The Spirit of Business — Habler is not Parler, and 

vice versa , 43~50 

VIIL 
Other Days, other Ways — My Wife in Despair — Nothing succeeds 
like Success — Poverty no Virtue — A Nation of Bees — English 
and French Noblemen — Parvenus — A well-chosen Toast. 51-56 

IX. 

London. — The Town — The Parks — The Streets — Heartrending 
Sights — Drunkenness — More Sandwiches — Other remunerative 
Employments — Flourishing Business — The Language of the 
Streets — The Monuments — Fogs — Let us be off . . . „ .. . 57-68 

X. 

English Interiors — John Bull in Town and in the Country — The 
Clubs — The Museums — -The British Museum — South Kensing- 
ton Museum — The National Gallery — The Great English Mas- 
ters — The Tower of London — Hampton Court — Westminster 
Abbey — St. Paul's — The Crystal Palace — Madame Tussaud's. 

69-78 
XL 

John Bull's Sentiments of Humanity — The Royal Society for the 
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — The Treatment of Women, 
and of Wives in Particular — Extracts from Police-Court Re- 
ports — A Dainty — The Hospitals — Charity — The Beggars — 
Pigeon Shooting — Magnanimity of John Bull 79-88 



CONTENTS. V 

XII. 
Christmas — The Plum-pudding — Recipe for making a Plum-pud- 
ding — The Pantomimes — Bank Holidays — Popular Saturnalia 
— Unsatisfactory Result of a Philanthropic Act ^9*95 

XIII. 
John BulPs Cookery — Dinners — A Tea Party — Tea or Coffee ? 

96-101 

XIV. 
Justice — Juries — Legal Proceedings — The Policeman is not Sacred 
— Love of Pettifogging — A Bill of Costs — ;f 500 Reward — The 
Shah of Persia at Newgate , . . 102-1 10 

XV. 

Duels — A sensible Duel — Polygamy — A good, charitable, Christian 
Polygamist — Different ways of looking at a question- — Black- 
mail levied in parks and streets — The Thief's Eldorado. 

JII-117 

XVL 
Decorations — Blue and Yellow Ribbon^ — The Army — That whicl]L 
is admirable in the Plural is despicable in the Singular— ^ 
Uniforms — Volunteers. 118-122 

xyiL 

The English and French Languages — Mutual Loans-— Unmention* 
ables — English Schoolboys 123-128 

XVIIL 
The French Colony — French Societies 129-135 

XIX. 

The Theatre of Shakespeare's Countiy in the Nineteenth Century — 
Drury Lane— Surrey Theatre— John Shaw and eleven French- 
men at Waterloo — Lyceum Theatre — Madame Modjeska and 
Madame Sarah Bernhardt— Mrs. Langtry and the Yankees. 

136-143 



VI CONTENTS. 

XX. 

Pianos — Drawing-room Music — Concerts — Oratorios — Musical Fes« 
tivals 144-147 

XXL 

Journalism — Advertisements — Journalists — The Times — Punch— 
Liberty of the Press— English Literature — Novels — Artists — 
Gustave Dore 148-15S 

XXIL 

The Great Public Schools — Education — Schoolboys' Clubs — 
School Heroes — Athletic Games — Oxford and Cambridge — 
Logic Lane — Argumentum Baculinum 156-166 

XXIIL 
Private Schools — Handy Masters — Scholastic Agents — Intelligent 
Men of Business — Personal Reminiscences — Occupying a seat 
is not engaging it 167-175 

XXIV. 
The Politics of the Young — The Squire— The Universities in Par- 
liament o 176-178 

XXV. 

The Court — The Queen and the Royal Family — German Princes 
to spare — The Political Parties — The House* of Lords — The 
House of Commons 179-186 

XXVL 

Sunday in London — Edifying Sights — Difference between a Walk- 
ing-stick and an Umbrella — Street Preachers — The Blind Beg- 
gar of Paris and the Blind Beggar of London — Prince Bismarck 
whistles on the Sabbath. 187-195 

XXVIL 

The Churches and Chapels — Different Ways of Kneeling — Confes- 
sion made easy — Second-hand Sermons — Grand Spectacular 
Services— Collections — Shipwrecked Mariners. , 196-.20J 



CONTENTS. Vli 

XXVIII. 
The Religions of England , 202-212 

XXIX. 

More Religious Sects to follow — No Popery — Good Friday — Cal- 
vinism in Scotland — The Mormons of the Salt Lake Valley — 
Marriage of the Maid of Orleans — The Quakers — The Shakers 
— Why do we go to Church ? 213-217 

XXX. 

The Salvation Army — Blasphemous Placards — Dervishes — Salva- 
tion Army Services — How the Wicked go down to Hell — A 
'cute General — Salvation Pills — The Peculiar People — Joanna 
Southcott and the Jumpers ...» 218-228 

XXXI. 

The English Nation no other than the Lost Ten Tribes of Israel — 
The Anglo-Israel Identity Society — Seventy-seven Proofs of 
Identity — Tender-handed, touch the nettle, and it stings you 
for your pains ; grasp it like a man of mettle, and it soft as silk 
remains — Wanted more Missionaries — A New Proof of Identity. 

229-236 

XXXIL 

Conclusion — Difference of Character — The English ought to be 
Manichaeans — What is Patriotism ? — English Hospitality— The 
Union of England and France 237-240 

APPENDIX 241-243 



I fm 21 1889 



John Bull and his Island. 



I. 

John Bull — The Sun never sets on his Empire — Description of his 
Domains in this World — Other British Possessions — Wicked- 
ness of some of John Bull's Enemies — How to make Colonies, 
how to keep them, and how to lose them. 

John Bull is a large land-owner, with muscular 
arms, long, broad, flat, and heavy feet, and an iron 
jaw that holds fast whatever it seizes upon. 

His estate, which he adds a little piece to day by 
day, consists of the British Isles, to which he has 
given the name of United Kingdom, to make folks 
believe that Ireland is attached to him ; the Channel 
Islands ; the fortress of Gibraltar, which enables him 
to pass comfortably through the narrowest of straits ; 
and the islands of Malta and Cyprus that serve him 
as advanced sentinels in the Mediterranean. When 
he has Constantinople, which he claims as his due, 
he will be satisfied with his slice of Europe. 

In Egypt, he is more at home than ever ; in that 

» country he can rest on his oars for the present. He 

took good care not to invent the Suez Canal ; on the 

contrary, he moved heaven and earth to try and pre- 



2 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

vent its being made. Yet behold him now, as a 
shareholder, casting his round covetous eyes upon it ! 

At the extremity of the Red Sea, at Aden, he can 
quietly contemplate that finest jewel in his crown, 
the Indian Empire ; an Empire of two hundred and 
forty millions of people, ruled by princes covered 
with gold and precious stones, who black his boots, 
and are happy. 

On the West Coast of Africa, he possesses Sierra 
Leone, Gambia, the Gold Coast, Lagos, Ascension, 
St. Helena, where he kept in chains the most for- 
midable monarch of modern times. In the South, 
he has the Cape of Good Hope, Natal, Zululand;' 
and he \s Protector of the Transvaal. In the East, 
the Island of Mauritius belongs to \i\m^ 

In America, he reckons among his possessions 
Canada, Newfoundland, Bermuda, the West Indies, 
Jamaica, part of Honduras, the Island of Trinidad, 
English Guiana, Falkland, etc. 

Correctly speaking, Oceania belongs to him en- 
tirely. New Zealand is twice as large as England, 
and Australia alone covers an area equal to that of 
almost the whole of Europe. 

With the exception of a few omissions, more or 
less important, such are John Bull's assets. 

He has acquired all this territory at the cost of 
relatively little bloodshed ; he keeps it with an army 
considerably inferior in numbers to that of any of 
the other Great Powers, and partly composed of the 
refuse of society, in spite of which I am not aw^re 
that at the present moment any of John's possessions 
are the least in danger. 

^* But what shall it profit a m«,n, if he gain the 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 3 

whole world, and lose his own soul ?" says Scripture. 
This is just what John Bull thought, and so in the 
other world he has knocked down to himself the 
kingdom of heaven — in his eyes as incontestably 
a British possession as India or Australia. 

The French fight for glory ; the Germans for a 
living ; the Russians to divert the attention of the 
people from home affairs ; but John Bull is a reason- 
able, moral and reflecting character : he fights to 
promote trade, to maintain peace and order on the 
face of the earth, and the good of mankind in gen- 
eral. If he conquers a nation, it is to improve its 
condition in this world and secure its welfare in the 
next: a highly moral aim., as you perceive. *^ Give 
me your territory, and I will give you the Bible.'* 
Exchange no robbery. 

John is so convinced of his intentions being pure 
and his mission holy, that when he goes to war and 
his soldiers get killed, he does not like it.- In news- 
paper reports of battles, you may see at the head of 
the telegrams : '^ Battle of . . .So many of the 
enemy killed, so many British massacred." 

During the Zulu war, the savages one day sur- 
prised an English regiment, and made a clean sweep 
of them. Next day, all the papers had : '' Disaster 
at Isandula ; Massacre of British troops ; Barbarous 
perfidy of the Zulus."* Yet these excellent Zulus 
were not accused of having decoyed the English into 
a trap : no, they had simply neglected to send their 
cards to give notice of their arrival, as gentlemen 

* Vou will still find in England people who will tell you that 
Nelson was assassinated at the Battle of Trafalgar. 



4 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

should have done. That was all. It was cheating. 
As a retaliatory measure, there was a general demand 
in London for the extermination of the enemy to the 
last man. After all, these poor fellows were only 
defending their own invaded country. The good 
sense of England prevailed, however, and they were 
treated as worsted belligerents. England, at heart, 
is generous : when she has conquered a people, she 
freely says to them: ** I forgive you." Above all 
things she is practical. When she has achieved the 
conquest of a nation, she sets to work to organize it ; 
she gives it free institutions ; allows it to govern 
itself;* trades with it ; enriches it, and endeavours to 
make herself agreeable to her new subjects. There 
are always thousands of Englishmen ready to go and 
settle in such new pastures, and fraternize with the 
natives. When England gave her Colonies the right 
of self-government, there were not wanting people 
to prophesy that the ruin of the Empire must be the 
result. Contrary to their expectation, however, the 
effect of this excellent policy has been to bind but 
closer the ties which held the Colonies to the mother- 
country If England relied merely upon her bay- 
onets to guard her empire, that empire would col- 
lapse like a house of cards ; it is a mqral force, 
something far more powerful than bayonets, that 
keeps it together. 

England's way of utilising her Colonies is not 
our way. To us they are mere military stations 

* Not only have the Colonies their own parliaments, but they 
have their ambassadors in London, who, under the name of Agentsr 
General, watch over their interests. These Agents-General are 
usually ex-ministers of the Colonies. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 5 

for the cultivation of the science of war. To her 
they are stores, branch shops of the firm ^^John 
Bull and Co." Go to Australia — that is, to the 
antipodes of London — you will, it is true, see peo- 
ple eating strawberries and wearing straw hats 
at Christmas : setting aside this difference, you 
will easily be able to fancy yourself in England.* 

The Spaniards once possessed nearly the whole 
of the New World ; but, their only aim being to 
enrich themselves at the expense of their Colonies, 
they lost them all. You cannot with impunity suck 
a Colony's blood to the last drop. 

It is not given to everyone to be a Colonist. 

John Bull is a Colonist, if ever there was one. 
This he owes to his singular qualities, — nay, even 
to defects w^hich are peculiarly his own. 

It is this John Bull, this personage who plays so 
important a part in the world, and whom you meet 
in every corner of the globe, that we purpose ob- 
serving at home. 



11. 

" Possession Nine Points of the Law " — An Obscure Hero— . 
*'Home, Sweet Home" — Obstinate as a Mule — Paddle the 
Light Canoe — Queer Honeymoons — Up hill. 

For making himself at home wherever he goes, 
John Bull has a talent all his own. Nothing aston- 
ishes him, nothing stops him.* Cosmopolitan in 
the highest degree, he is at his ease in the four 
corners of the earth : 

** Laissez-lui prendre un pied chez vous, 
II en aura bientot pris quatre." 

In a town in Normandy, where several English 
families, attracted by the fine scenery around, have 
taken up their abode, a doctor, a friend of mine, 
offered his English patients the use of a large field 
of his. This field had attracted their attention as 
being nicely situated near the town, and just the 
place for a game of cricket. Shortly after this act 
of kindness, my friend received the following note : 
'^ The members of the cricket club present their 
compliments to Dr. H., and would be much obliged 
to him if he would kindly get the potatoes, with 
which half of f/iei'r cricket field is planted, removed, 

■^ ** Nil admirari, prope res est una, Numici, 

SoJaque quae possit facere et servare beatum.'* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 7 

as the ball is constantly getting lost among 
them." 

^^ Possession nine points of the law/' This is the 
principle of all annexations of territory. Let an 
Englishman settle in any out-of-the-way corner of 
the globe, and it will not be long before you see a 
Protestant church and a cricket field, the two first 
visible indications of an English Colony. -.The 
conquest of India was practically made by the East 
India Company, that is to say, by a few London 
merchants. 

John Bull is proud, brave, calm, tenacious, and 
a consummate diplomatist. 

Proud, he will never doubt of the success of his 
undertaking ; brave, he will carry it through ; 
calm, he will calculate with a cool head the 
material advantages of the victory ; tenacious, he 
will know how to make it fruitful. Diplomacy 
answers for the rest. 

The sentiment of his dignity is evinced in him at 
an early age, and national pride incites him to per- 
form acts of heroism at an age when sweetmeats 
seem to be the chief attractions of life. 

While I was at school in Paris, I remember a score 
of us schoolboys were one day gathered about the 
crossbeam of a gymnasium, jumping, one after an- 
other, on to a heap of sand. Among us was a young 
English boy, about twelve years old, watching eagerly 
for his turn. The poor child was suffering from 
hernia, and we tried to dissuade him from his pur- 
pose. 'iWhy not ? " said he : ^^ you do it ; why 
shouldn't I ? '' And in spite of all our entreaties, he 
mounted the crossbeam, sprang, jumped but to 



8 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

rise no more. We carried him to his bed. An hour 
after, he had breathed his last " It shall not be 
said," he murmured in his death throes, ** that an 
Englishman cannot jump as well as a Frenchman." 
Poor little hero ! A few days before, we had all 
done justice to the contents of a well-filled hamper 
that his mother had sent him from Devonshire. He 
had insisted upon our all tasting the nice things 
that came from his home. Home ! This is a word 
that our language lacks. It is true we have foyer ; 
but it is a word used chiefly in the elevated style, 
while in England there exists not a man, however 
lowly, but possessed of a heart to feel and love, who 
is not a little moved by the word ho7ne. This may be 
to a certain extent explained by the fact that every 
Englishman has his own little house, and that the 
climate, which does not foster open-air pleasures, 
makes the intimate joys of the fireside better ap- 
preciated. Go and try to feel poetically inspired 
over the subject of the domestic hearth, when you 
live on a fifth-floor back ! 

M. de Chateaubriand, who was not above walking 
in the steps of M. de la Palisse, has said somewhere 
that, were it not for a certain sentiment, inborn in 
man, that holds him to his country, his greatest 
pleasure would be to travel. The Englishman forms 
the best illustration of this truism^ as our friend John 
Bull would put it. He loves voyages, adventures, 
dangers. A vast stretch of ocean, a cloud-capped 
mountain, perilous ascents, voyages of discovery in 
strange lands, thrill him with delightful emotions. 
He is in his element. 

Call the Englishman wild, eccentric, — mad, if you 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND, 9 

will ; but to do great things one must not hesitate 
at straying from the beaten track. He will brave 
every conceivable danger in order to be able to say 
that he has climbed to the summit of Mont Blanc, 
or that he has been nearer the North Pole than 
any other explorer. 

Obstinate as a mule, stubborn as a bull-dog, the 
difficulties in his path will but act as incentives to 
him. He has traced himself a programme : nothing 
will prevent his carrying it out. He leaves England 
with his diary written beforehand. He has settled 
to be at the top of a certain mountain at a certain 
time ; he is bound to be there : and I promise you 
that, if he has not rolled down some precipice, there 
you will find him. General Wolseley had announced 
to his countrymen that he would subdue Egypt in 
twelve days. He took fifteen. It was high time : 
John Bull was beginning to grumble. 

I was walking one evening on the quay at Saint- 
Malo. It was blowing a furious gale. The South- 
ampton boat had just started notwithstanding. Came 
two Englishmen breathless : "Where is the boat ?'* 
they asked. 

"Gone." 

** Hail her: she is still in sight; we are bound to go' " 

^* Surely, gentlemen, you are joking." 

" Well, then, can you get us a sailing boat to take 
us to Jersey ?" 

** I have one," said a sailor ; **but the sea is very 
rough : I must charge you two hundred francs." 

"Never mind : get her read}^" 

" But, gentlemen/' cried the bystanders, "you will 
be ill, and endanger your lives." 



lO JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

"What's that to you ?" said they, with a contemp- 
tuous glance at the crowd around. 

The face of the younger man, a fine young fellow 
of about twenty, beamed with delight at the idea of 
the dangers he was going to brave. 

It was useless reasoning longer : the fisherman set 
out with them. A few moments later the frail barque 
w^as under sail, now hidden from sight by a huge wave, 
now reappearing, and making visible the tall form of 
the young man at the rudder. " Vogue la galere^'' 
said the spectators : "those English people are mad." 

Every Englishman of good family can manage a 
boat, drive a carriage, and is at home in the saddle. 
Accustomed from his childhood to bodily exercise, 
he thinks nothing of a hundred mile walk or a row 
from London to Oxford. A walking tour from Lon- 
don to Edinburgh is not at all an uncommon thing 
to hear of. The outfit of an English tourist is no 
encumbrance to him : he puts into a bag a fianne] 
shirt, a dozen collars, and a couple of pairs of socks 
and, stick in hand, off he goes. I know one who 
walked last year as far as the north of Scotland. 
His friends teased him for having made up his mind 
to take the train to the border. "A little pluck,'* 
said they to him, " do the whole on foot while you 
are at it, your railway ticket w^ill destroy all the 
merit and charm of the affair." The year previous, 
during the summer holidays, he had walked a dis- 
tance of over a thousand miles in Norway. 

This habit of w^alking is kept up by Englishmen 
to a very advanced age. Go to the provinces, you 
may there see old men doing their five or six miles 
every day ; when they knock off, it is to take to 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. II 

iheir beds, and prepare to go and sleep in Abra- 
ham's bosom. In the country, in France, our old 
men, gouty or crippled with rheumatism for the 
most part, pass half the day at table ; after their 
dinner, you may see them leaning on the arm of an 
old servant, crawling along the public promenades. 
In France, a man is often old at sixty ; the effects of 
a youth, too often spent in dissipation, and of a life in 
most cases sedentary, become sadly apparent, and if 
he live to a great age, the closing years of his existence 
are a burden to himself and to those around him. 
** C'est une charge bien pesante, 
Qu'un fardeau de quatre-vingts ans," 

said Quinault ; but such is not the case in England: 
here every one dies of a green old age. I have an 
old friend in his eighty-eighth year, who, summer 
and winter, religiously takes his tub every morning, 
and who would not think of sitting down to lunch- 
eon without first having done his three or four 
miles. He is bright, cheery, will sing you a song 
at dessert, and never forgets to tell you of the peas 
he means to sow next year. Methinks he will gather 
many a bushel yet. 

A young Oxford professor of my acquaintance 
undertakes, every year, in a small boat, a voyage 
that lasts from one to two months. He travels with 
his wife to the point of departure : there he hires a 
boat, places the lady at the rudder, and away goes the 
skiff. At night they put up at some riverside inn. 
ISlext morning, fresh provisions are put on board, 
and they are off again. They have seen in this way 
most of the lakes and rivers of Europe. Ingenuous 
and full of enthusiasm, it is a pleasure to hear them 



12 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

talk of their travels ; and if I may be allowed to 
offer you a piece of advice, it is to read, as soon as it 
appears, a charming book which will have for title 
**On the River." 

Others go from one capital of Europe to another 
on a velocipede. Some young couples take their 
honeymoon trip on a double tricycle. They go 
through England from village to village without 
creating the least excitement. Here, one is used to 
eccentricity in all its forms. In this fashion, they 
avoid the wedding calls of the curious, and drink 
deep draughts of pure country air. These double 
tricycles bear the very appropriate name of sociables^ 
and are admirably constructed for the honeymoon. 
I recommend you to try them. The two seats are 
placed closely side by side, so that hearts may over- 
flow, hand press hand, and lips meet lips. Arrived at 
the top of the hill, you stiffen your body, bend your 
knees and fly like the wind to the bottom of the 
valley. The air through which you have sped gives 
you force to mount the next slope as easily as you 
climbed the last. This little pastime — to say noth- 
ing of woods by the way where you may rest, ram- 
ble, lose each other and find each other again, — all 
this, I say, has always appeared to me delightful. 
It is within the reach of all purses, and by such 
means a man may spare his sweet young companion 
the annoyance of commencing married life with 
butcher's and baker's bills, and other surprises that 
will recall her all too soon to the stern realities of 
this prosaic world, and all through life there will last 
the sweet recollection of that little trip— the uphill 
part especially. 



III. 

John Bull and his Hat — Omnibuses — Every Man for Himself— 
Competition open to All — The Fittest will Survive — John Bull 
and his Castle — The Sun shines for all alike. . 

John Bull only lifts his hat on grand occasions : for 
instance, when he hears " God Save the Queen " 
played or sung. Then he may be said to be saluting 
his country, his Queen, his flag — himself if you like. 

In the most fashionable shops, in his club, in Par- 
liament even, he keeps on his hat. 

I know a Frenchman who threw up his situation 
because his employer did not return his bow. 

In business, the Englishman throws overboard all 
the formalities imposed by politeness. His style is 
freezingly cold, and would appear to us almost rude. 
He invariably terminates his letters ^^ Yours truly." 
And, after all, I scarcely see why, when we send our 
creditor a cheque, it should be thought necessary 
to beg him to accept the assurance of the extreme 
respect w4th which we have the honour to sign our- 
selves his very humble and obedient servant. I pre- 
fer Yours truly. "Time is money." 

Ask John Bull if you are in the right train for 
such-and-such a place, you will get Yes or No for an 
answer, and nothing more. 

When he enters an omnibus or a railway carriage, 



14 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

if he does not recognise any one, he eyes his fellow- 
travellers askance in a sulky and suspicious way. 
He seems to say, "What a bore it is that all you 
people can't walk home, and let a man have the car- 
riage comfortably to himself ! " It must be admitted^ 
though, that the notices with the advice, " Beware 
of pickpockets, male and female," which confront 
him in these places, are quite enough to cool his gal- 
lantry, be it said for his justification. 

London omnibuses are made to seat six persons 
on each side. These places are not marked out. 
When, on entering, you find five people on either 
hand, you must not hope to see any one move to 
make room for you. No, here everything is left to 
personal initiative. You simply try to spy out the 
two pairs of thighs that seem to you the best padded, 
and with all your weight you let yourself down be- 
tween them. No need to apologise, no one will 
think of calling you a bad name. 

If you open the door to let a woman alight, she 
will say, " Thank you " to you, if she be a lady. If 
she happen not to be, you will get no thanks, and 
should be only too happy if her look do not seem 
to say, " Mind your own business." 

At home and abroad each one for himself. There 
are no omnibus offices where you must book. In 
France, we do everything in a military style. The 
Englishman, who is a better runner than his fellow- 
creature, does not see why he should not have the 
latters place if he is nimble enough to catch it. 
Competition open to all ; the fittest will survive ; it 
is the motto of free-trade, and of the whole nation. 

Outside his own house John Bull is not communi- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1$ 

cative : he leaves his neighbour alone, and expects 
to receive a like treatment at his hands. If you re- 
mark to an Englishman, in a smoking compartment 
that he has dropped some cigar-ash on his trousers, 
he will probably answer : ^^ For the past ten minutes I 
have seen a box of matches on fire in your back coat 
pocket, but r did not interfere with you for that." 

John Bull is absolute master in his own house, 
which he calls his castle. If you present yourself 
to him without an introduction, he will put his back 
up and soon show you to the door as an intruder. 

On the other hand, if properly armed with a letter 
of introduction, you will find him hospitable, affable, 
and unsuspecting, and you will readily become the 
friend of the family. 

It is impossible to admire too much the confidence 
of the English even in business. Bureaucracy is un- 
known. You have not to produce your papers at 
every moment. If you are a candidate for a place 
of any kind, you simply send a copy of your testi- 
monials. If you want to marry, you state your age, 
and whether you are a bachelor or a widower, etc. 
I repeat it, John Bull has quite shaken off the yoke 
of red tape. A man who has lied before a tribunal 
is prosecuted for perjury; a man who has deceived his 
neighbour is kicked out of the house for his pains. 

In the midst of this jostling crowd, all eager to 
reach a certain goal, you must not mind a little 
knocking about. Every man, English or not, who 
has some ability, and determines to succeed, does 
succeed. This is a country where, as an English- 
man said to me once, ^^the sun shines for all alike." 

I may add that it was but a figure of speech. 



IV. 

The Railroads — Dangers of the Ladies' Compartments — The Age 
of Steam — The Post — The City — The Lord Mayor. 

London has five hundred and sixty-eight railv^ay 
stations, and through Clapham Junction alone there 
pass thirteen hundred and seventy-four trains a day. 
These figures, which are official, do not include 
goods trains. The Metropolitan Company an- 
nounced to its shareholders that between January 
ist and December 31st, 1881, a hundred and ten mil- 
lions of people had been carried over their lines. 
Steam has robbed travel of its poetry ; but if we no 
longer live in days of heroic adventure, we may con- 
sole ourselves with the thought that we live in days 
of ease and comfort. Go and ask an official at Clap- 
ham Junction to register your luggage, and you will 
get laughed at to your face. You merely put on 
your boxes your name and destination, get them 
labelled, and have them put into the luggage van. 
At your journey's end you point out your trunks to 
a porter, and that is all. No confusion ; and I never 
met with any one who had lost the least luggage. In 
France, it would seem as if bureaucracy had been 
invented to give employment to the company's large 
number of servants. 

Railway accidents are rare, marvellously rare, 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1/ 

when oi.T thinks of those networks of railroads that 
are enough to make one's head swim to look at them. 

Railway journeys are not always unattended by 
dangers^ though. If you value your reputation in 
the least, never remain alone in a compartment with 
a woman. Even were she the owner of the loveliest 
pair of eyes, flee for your life to the next carriage. 
There are certain ladies in existence who levy black 
mail on a vast and somewhat fantastic scale. 

A French diplomatist of my acquaintance was one 
day travelling alone with a woman, who appeared 
to him to be a lady in every respect. At the end of 
about half an hour, their eyes chanced to meet. The 
lady immediately smiled. Such an irresistible smile ! 
What bewitching eyes ! My friend smiled too. 
Nothing more. But he paid for it. 

" Are we far from Cannon Street Station, do you 
know ? " said the charming lady. 

** No, madam ; we shall be there in five minutes.'* 

" Very well, sir ; if you do not hand me over 
twenty pounds this instant, I shall give you in 
charge at the station for having insulted me." 

My friend paid : he was a wise man. 

Such cases are very frequent. 

I know a gentleman who detests the smell of to- 
bacco, but who invariably travels with the smokers 
rather than run the risk of finding himself alone with 
a woman. 

One day he had just taken his seat in a smoking 
compartment. 

Up comes a lady to the door : ^' Smoking carriage, 
madam ! " cries he, scenting a lady in search of gamCr 

'^Oh! I don't mind." 

2 



l8 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

**That may be. / do though." And, at the risk 
of passing for a bear, he held on to the handle of 
the door, and remained master of the situation. 
Honour was safe : that was the main thing. 

These charmers are not the only travelling com- 
panions to be shunned. One of the most to be 
dreaded is the old maid who takes up her position 
in front of you, and asks you point blank if you are 
prepared to meet your Maker. Her name is Chris- 
tian-Worker, and she exercises her profession where- 
ever she goes, distance is no object to her. Keep a 
sharp look-out : this one is not to be easily shaken 
off. She is of a persevering temperament, and diffi- 
culties do not daunt her. On the contrary, she 
rather likes them. The deeper dyed your sins, the 
greater she thinks is her merit in leading you back 
to the right path. As a rule, she waits to open fire 
until the train is going at full speed. Then she has 
you. No use trying to escape. You have only one 
alternative : either you must grin and bear it until 
you reach the next station, or else pitch her out of 
the window. You regret your want of courage to 
adopt the latter plan, which of course would send 
her straight to paradise to receive her reward. One 
of her favourite and comforting remarks (especially 
in a railway carriage) is : '' Ah ! sir, should we not 
always be prepared to meet death — accidents come 
so unexpectedly ?" I succeeded one day in closing 
the mouth of one of these bores by saying, in broken 
English: ''Me not Anglishy ''Oh!" sighed she, 
" what a pity ! " and she left me alone. I recommend 
you the plan : it is the only safe and legal one I 
know of. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 19 

Over here, you are not locked up in a waiting- 
room until your train comes in. You roam where 
you like about the station, and your friends may see 
you off and give you a handshake as the train leaves 
the platform. 

The functionary is scarcely known. There are 
more of them at the station of Fouilly les Epinards 
than in the most important station in London. You 
see placards everywhere : '^ Beware of pick-pockets ; " 
** Ascertain that your change is right before leaving 
the booking desk ; " '^ Have your luggage labelled, 
and see that it is placed in the train." The English- 
man does not like being taken in hand like a baby. 
He keeps his eyes about him, minds himself and his 
belongings, and you do the same. He makes no 
more of going to Australia than we of going to 
Passy ; no fuss, no confusion. The question he asks 
himself on setting out for the change of air (doctors 
here will order you a voyage to Australia just as 
ours will tell you to try Saint-Germain or Vichy) is : 
" Shall I come home by way of China or San Fran- 
cisco ?" 

His ticket taken, he instals himself in his berth, 
like a king in his castle. 

In France, the Administration takes us under its 
wing. The Englishman does not like that kind of 
thing. He prefers to be let alone ; he feels big 
enough to take care of himself. 

I travelled once from Boulogne to Paris with a 
Briton, who snored away in his corner as happy as 
a king. Presently up came a most polite porter, 
who, waking him, inquired whither he was bound : 

" Why do you wake me ? " 



20 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

^* But, sir, I thought you would perhaps be obliged 
to me for waking you." 

^* Leave me alone ; I want to sleep. I have a right 
to : I have paid for my ticket." 

*' Of course you have, sir, but " 

^^ Leave me alone, I tell you." 

At Creil the train drew up ; my travelling com- 
panion wanted to alight." 

^^ Take your seat, sir; the train does not stop 
here." 

^' Yes, it does, I see ; I want to get out." 

*^ But, sir, you will be left behind." 

*' That's nothing to do with you; mind your own 
business. I want to get out. You are my servant." 

Down he got, and did not reappear either. Great 
was my surprise, on arriving at Paris, to see my fine 
fellow upon the platform. 

*^ Halloa ! " I exclaimed ; " how did you get here ? " 

'* Oh ! I jumped into the luggage van," replied h^. 

Another time, at the Charing Cross station, a 
sturdy little fellow about twelve years old wanted to 
get into a train that was already in motion. Two 
porters pulled at him from behind to prevent him 
accomplishing his design. He does not hesitate 
long : he deals each of them a fine blow with his 
elbow, springs upon the step, jumps into the carriage, 
and shouts at them from the window : " I say, I 
didn't knock you down, you know, because there 
wasn't time, but don't try me again.'* 

The trains are swift and the carriages excellent 
This is the result of competition. You can go from 
London to Manchester by five different lines. Each 
company tries to obtain your patronage by offering 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 21 

you more advantages than the others. Plain wooden 
seats have disappeared from all third-class carriages, 
which are now better than second class ones in 
France, and one can travel third by express trains. 

You go to a refreshment-room, help yourself, state 
what you have taken and pay. Just the same is 
done in the City restaurants at lunch-time. Gentle- 
men generally eat standing up : they are served on 
the instant ; there is no time to lose ; no serviettes — 
you wipe your mouth with your handkerchief. 
Lunch is despatched in ten minutes. You might 
almost hear a pin drop while this roomful of mer- 
chants, clerks, etc., are taking their mid-day repast. 

On entering an office, the first thing you see writ- 
ten up is : ** You are requested to speak of business 
only." It is the reign of steam. 

You should see the City between nine and ten in 
the morning, when the railways and vehicles of all 
kinds are disgorging their swarms of busy bees. At 
four o'clock a calm begins to set in, and on Saturdays 
the City is deserted from two o'clock in the after- 
noon. 

The docks, too, are well worth a visit, with their 
forests of masts. These are sights you will never 
forget. 

Take a walk in the City, and look up in the air ; 
the telegraph wires are enough to make you believe 
that some gigantic spider has spun a web over your 
head. 

For a penny you can send six sheets of letter paper 
by post to any part of the United Kingdom. There 
is an hourly delivery of letters in the City. I borrow 
the following lines from the excellent Annuaire* 



22 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Hamonet^ Guide general des Frangais a Londres : — " In 
the E.G. district alone there are delivered every 
morning a million of letters ; and that which shows 
to what a degree the commercial life of the United 
Kingdom is concentrated in the metropolis, is the 
fact that the number of letters delivered within the 
postal district of London forms more than a fourth 
part of all the letters delivered in Great Britain. 
Scotland does not receive half as many letters as 
London, and Ireland not one-third. To give an ex- 
ample : one City house receives three thousand let- 
ters a day. This development of letter writing is all 
the more remarkable from the fact of the post having 
a serious competitor in the telegraph." 

I cannot leave the City without saying a word on 
the subject of the Lord Mayor. The first magistrate 
of London is elected annually by the Corporation. 
He is installed on the 9th of November. This cere- 
mony forms the occasion for a civic fete, as M. 
Prud'homme would call it, that reminds one of car- 
nival time, and in which the Lord Mayor plays the 
part of the fatted ox. The procession sets out from 
Guildhall at noon to go and present the Lord Mayor 
elect to the judges at Westminster. It is preceded 
by soldiers, and about a dozen bands of music. All 
the City companies are represented and headed by 
their respective banners. Horses, and ];iorsemen dis- 
guised as knights and musketeers, are borrowed of a 
circus proprietor, and I have even seen camels and 
elephants (also lent by the circus proprietor) taking 
part in the performance. The Lord Mayor draws 
up the procession. Cinderella never dreamed of a 
coach as gorgeous as the one that carries My Lord 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 23 

Mayor elect to Westminster. The procession pa- 
rades the City thus until about four in the afternoon. 

At six the banquet takes place. This banquet 
stands conspicuous among others on account of the 
presence of the Ministers of the Crown, and of the 
political speech that the Chief of Her Majesty's 
Government is expected to deliver on the occasion. 

Ihe English are fond of their ?ncient customs, 
and the Lord Mayor's Show, which would be quite 
a success at our Hipp^drpme fe pol I't^^j^i^^ die out 
just yet. 



V. 

The Family — Mammas — Delightful Papas — Stepmothers — Differ- 
ence between a Misfortune and an Accident — How to get rid 
of a Mother-in-law — Carrying off Simulated — An Uncomfor- 
^ble Quarter of an Hour— The Nobleman and his Grateful 
Country. 

An English father is absolute master in his own 
house : something of the father of anti'quity. 

The English mother is only just shaking off her 
shackles. In Mme. de Stael's time she only appeared 
for a few moments in the drawing-room to offer a 
cup of tea to her husband's guests. Even in the 
present day her position in the family is only one of 
secondary importance. She has not the authority 
that a mother has in France, nor even as much as 
her own son. In the house of a widow the eldest 
son is master ; especially is this the case among the 
aristocracy, whose titles, with the inalienable prop- 
erty attached to them, go to the eldest son, and to 
him alone. 

The word lord means in Anglo-Saxon the one who 
procures the breads the master ; lady^ the one who serves 
it, the servant. 

A son never kisses his father, and only rarely his 
mother. He shakes hands, the effusion of the heart 
goes no further. An English son would be afraid of 
losing his dignity if he caressed his mother. In 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 25 

France, our mother is the recipient of our tenderest 
caresses, our nearest and dearest friend. We tell 
her our secrets ; nay, even our little escapades.* She 
may pretend to be very cross, and say, '^ Get along 
with you, sir : you are a disgraceful character ; I 
won't listen to any more." Don't you believe her. 

Ah, darling old mother ! how vexed she would be if 
we were to take her at her word. How she cajoles 
us, how she soon brings back the conversation to the 
same subject, so that she may hear a few more little 
risky confidences. How she makes believe not to be 
listening, while all the while she is not losing a 
word ! And how she pretends to be dreadfully hor- 
rified ! and how a good kiss wins her over in an in- 
stant. Sweet, gentle counsellor ! what happy mo- 
ments have we all passed at thy side when we were 
just becoming possessors of a downy moustache, that 
we twirled with pride. 

The English language has no word for fredatne, 
perhaps the thing does not exist on this side of the 
Channel. The Englishman is either virtuous or an 
utter reprobate ; very often virtuous, perfectly vir- 
tuous. In this country there is no middle course ; 
contrasts strike you in every phase of life. 

In English family life there is no intimacy, no 
openness of heart ; stiffness^ and reserve ; affection, 
but little love. Thanks to the devotion of the 
Frenchman for his mother, he is more lovable than 
the young Englishman, but he is also more effemi- 
nate ; the latter is more self-reliant, more independ- 

* An Englishman speaks of his frolics to no one, not even his 
most intimate friend. Over here peche cache est tout-h-fait par- 
domte. 



26 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

ent, more virile. In France, love and respect for 
the mother are to be found in the lowest peasant or 
workman, and even a vicious life will not com- 
pletely extinguish these sentiments in him. He 
avoids his mother when he is intoxicated ; he dreads 
her reproaches, shuns her scrutinising gaze. In 
England he beats her, or turns her out of the house. 
Let those who may doubt the exact truth of these 
statements open any English newspaper and read for 
themselves. The French workman would say to any 
one who had insulted his mother, '^ Look here,' say 
what you like to me, but just let my mother alone, 
will you ! " For him the dear old woman is some- 
thing sacred. Among us, a mother dies surround- 
ed by the children who have tended her in her de- 
clining years. Here, she works as long as her 
strength lasts ; when she has become a useless piece 
of furniture she goes to the Union and dies. 

If among the well-to-do classes the mother is not 
to be found in the foreground, it is mainly to the 
fact of her entering upon married life portionless 
that we must look, I think, for the explanation. The 
dot gives to the French wife a certain feeling of inde- 
pendence and authority in the house. She is some- 
body, her husband's equal. In England, she is 
something more than a housekeeper in point of 
rank, but at the same time something less, if we con- 
sider that no wages are due to her, and that she can- 
not give notice to leave. Moreover, she is generally 
devoid of that little talent of diplomacy thaj: every 
Frenchwoman is more or less possessed of : sue has 
not the influence of the woman over the man. Here 
the husband requires but one thing of his wi^e :. to 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 2/ 

keep his house well, to serve his meals punctually, 
and to manage his domestic affairs economically. 
He calls her his partner, — a sleeping partner, if I 
might risk 2ijeu de mots in English. 

Adultery is frequent in the higher classes, among 
the rich and idle ; very rare among the middle and 
working classes. I do not mention the lower popu- 
lace of London : their life is that of dogs, as I say 
elsewhere. 

*^ A married man," said an Englishman of some 
importance to me one day, '*is very foolish to be un- 
faithful to his wife. Why on earth should one blight 
one's peace of mind ? Is not one woman as good as 
another ? " In nine divorce cases out of ten, the 
co-respondent is an officer in Her Majesty's service. 
An officer-and-a-gentleman, having nothing parti- 
cular to do in time of peace, is fond of keeping his 
hand in by shooting over other people's preserves. 
The CO respondent is not unfrequently a young 
groom, as one may see by the newspapers. This 
sample of co-respondent begins at the spur : it is not 
very far to the garter ; the path is very attractive, 
que voulez-vous ? Between the ist of July, 1882, and 
the ist of January, 1883, I counted seven cases of 
these favoured young flunkies in the newspapers. 
How many must there be still enjoying their good 
fortunes on the quiet ! 

Death is an event that astonishes no one, which 
the Christian neither fears nor dreads, and which in 
England consequently calls for few tears. *^Was 
he insured ? " is a question asked upon the death of 
a father. " Yes ? Well, you see, we must all die 
sor^-^^r or later. God has called him home> and it; 



28 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

should make you rejoice." The worthy fellow is 
buried, and soon forgotten. English cemeteries are 
deserts : here people have not the respect — I do not 
hesitate to call it love — that we feel for the dead. 
The Protestant Church does not pray for the dead ; 
she denies the doctrine of purgatory. To pray for 
the repose of a dead person's soul would be to doubt 
God's justice, to dictate to Him what He should do 
in the other world. The Englishman is serious and 
sensible in business matters ; he does not believe 
that a three and sixpenny mass is going to send his 
relative to Heaven. Our worthy mothers pay their 
money, and those that are not firm believers merely 
say to themselves, '^ Poor soul ! if it does him no 
good, it can do him no harm. After all, it is but 
three and six." 

A son writes to his parents : ^^ I am about to be 
married," or '' I am married." 

^'We are glad to hear it," answer the parents; 
^Sve shall be happy to make the acquaintance of 
your wife." 

But it is in Scotland above all that one must look 
for sound business principles. Indeed, those who 
have never been to Scotland cannot form a notion 
of what it is to be serious. A young Scotch friend 
of mine, of high literary reputation, generally 
spends, once a year, a month with this family on the 
outskirts of Edinburgh. His father is a Presby- 
terian minister occupying a very enviable position. 
On the day of his departure, my friend invariably 
finds on the breakfast table, by the side of his 
plate, a little paper carefully folded. It is a detailed 
account of the meals he has had during his visit to 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 29 

his father's house : in other words, his bill. But 
the son is as sound a Caledonian as papa, and 
does not part with his coin before he has ascertained 
that all the items are accurate, and the addition 
correct. 

**Why, father, I see you have marked bacon and 
eggs for my yesterday's breakfast ; I assure you I 
did not touch the eggs." 

'*You were wrong not to do so then, my boy: 
they were on the table ; why didn't you help your- 
self ? " 

I know another interesting Scotch papa who pre- 
sents his children, as they come of age, with the 
bill of all that he has spent upon them, including 
the fees of nurse and doctor. The children sign and 
undertake to repay the outlay. 

The mother-in-law is not an object of terror in 
England. "Not being mistress at home, it would 
never occur to her to impose her authority in her 
son-in-law's house. " If you have to choose," says 
M. Victorien Sardou, ^'between living with your 
mother-in-law and shooting yourself, never hesitate: 
shoot her." If your mother-in-law falls overboard, 
it is an accident ; if she is fished out alive, we call 
it a misfortune. To get rid of a mother-in-law, 
people here do not have recourse to such extreme 
measures ; diplomacy is called into requisition. I 
recommed the following plan to young married 
men : it proved a great success in the case of a 
friend of mine. Awhile after the marriage, his 
mother-in-law arrived and installed herself in his 
house. My friend lavished the most assiduous 
attentions upon her. He was not a church-goer, 



30 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

but he went now to have the pleasure of carrying 
the excellent lady's books of devotion. When a 
walk was taken, it was to her that his arm was 
offered. In the evening, after his wife had retired, 
. he sat up with his mother-in-law, and took a hand 
at besique. At the end of a week, the mamma-in- 
law vanished as if by magic. The young wife had 
managed the matter. 

When a Greek or Roman bride arrived at the 
threshold of her new home, the bridegroom, taking 
her in his arms, carried her to his hearth to offer a 
sacrifice, and to eat with her the panem farreum. 
This ceremony was intended to simulate carrying off 
by force. Something analogous is practised in Eng- 
land as the bride leaves her parents' house. When 
the wedding breakfast is nearly over, the friends 
take up their position at the door of the house, and 
lie in wait for the young couple. Their appearance 
is the signal for cheers ; and then down falls on their 
heads, in their necks, on their backs, a shower of 
rice, and of all the old slippers that are to be found 
in the house. Parents, friends, guests, servants, 
neighbours, all join in the fun. On the part of the 
parents, this old custom means : '^ Ah ! rascal, you 
are taking away my daughter ! there, take that ! *' 
On the part of the friends and the busy-bodies of the 
neighbourhood, it means: ^'Ah! you wolf! you are 
stealing a lamb from the fold ! there, take this ! " 
Of course the origin of this custom must be looked 
for a little further. The rice is the symbol of plenty, 
and the old slippers the symbol of good luck. You 
must turn up your collar and shelter yourself as best 
you can against this hailstorm that beats upon you 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 3 1 

from all sides, and jump into the carriage that is 
waiting for you. Crack goes the whip ! off for the 
honeymoon ! and you have richly earned it. 

After marriage the young Athenian or Roman wife 
was completely severed from her own family. She 
lost her family rights, even her gods, which she ex- 
changed for those of her husband. In England, the 
young married woman is no longer at home in her 
father's house ; she goes there on a visit, and all are 
glad to see her, but she is no more one of the inner 
family circle. Visits are counted. 

It is a common mistake, generally made in France, 
to believe that primogenitureship exists in England. 
Quite on the contrary, there is nothing to prevent a 
man from making his will exactly as he pleases. 
Birthright exists only in the aristocracy. The real 
estates of the nobility are attached to the title and 
are inalienable. Yet noblemen can dispose of their 
personal property as may seem good to them. As a 
rule, their lives are insured for fabulous sums, 
which, at their death, are divided among their chil- 
dren or other devisees. Moreover, the younger sons 
are not to be pitied ; they occupy the most lucrative 
positions in the army, the church, and the diploma- 
tic and other civil services in the country and the 
Colonies. A nobleman, on his deathbed, recom- 
mends his younger sons to a grateful country, which 
does not forget them. 



VI. 

The Women — Esthetes— When an Englishwoman limps all the 
Englishwomen limp — French Girls and English Girls — Liberty 
and Independence — Breach of Promise — Matrimony made easy 
— The Women of the Lower Classes — Unsavomy Flower-Girls 
— Coulem- Isabelle. 

Englishwomen are remarkable for their fresh com- 
plexions, their decided and fearless gait, and the 
length of their feet, which reminds one that twelve 
inches go to the foot in England. Impossible to 
xi\2ik.Q faux pas with such bases as these. They can- 
not lose their centre of gravity. 

When they are pretty, Englishwomen have no 
equals upon earth — they are angels of beauty ; but, 
top often, their faces have no expression, their eyes 
lack lustre and piquancy, their teeth are long and 
protruding, and when they laugh, they show their 
gums like a rhinoceros. They have only the beauty 
of youth. An Englishwoman is seldom handsome 
after thirty. The lower-class women of London are 
thin-faced or bloated-looking. They are horribly 
pale ; there is no colour to be seen except on the tips 
of their noses. 

Their sculptural lines (generally straight ones) 
are suggestive, pronounced, exaggerated, or sup* 
pressed, according to the fashion of the day. 

In 1879, i^ became fashionable to display a pro* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 33 

truberant corsage. There was not a woman, even 
the thinnest, that was not in a position to exhibit a 
bust that would have been a splendid capital to a 
Burgundian wet-nurse. In shop windows might 
have been seen twin gutta-percha balloons, or bags 
of millet-seed, which were sold under the name of 
figure improvei's. 

The esthetic movement has caused all these ridic- 
ulous deformities to disappear as if by enchantment. 

In 1881, everyone began to worship the beautiful. 
To be in good form, one had to become intense, ap- 
pear to be dying of decline ; therefore to be lean and 
pale, to have one's eyes encircled with black and lost 
in ethereal regions. The supreme object was to 
look' consumptive. Walking was abandoned for a 
kind of crawl ; ordinary meals were suspended, a 
little sustenance was taken ; voices became deep and 
hollow ; the face was made to express disgust for the 
reality of the w^orld's pursuits. As in the time of 
Mascarille, the only adverbs employed were consum- 
mately^ titterly^ terribly, supremely. These lunatics 
would remain hours in ecstatic contemplation of a 
lily or an old cracked china tea-pot ; they had be- 
come terrible geese, consu7n?nate idiots. 

The female esthete wore her hair cropped, and 
her dress was of sombre tint and fifteenth century 
design. The male esthete, on the contrary, let his 
locks grow long, and looked, at a glimpse, as if he 
wore a chignon. The manners of the sexes were 
similar : the same limpness, the same gait, the same 
play of features. The upper part of the face had to 
be raised, so as to round the eyes and make the eye- 
brows disappear under the hair, while the lower jaw 
3 



34 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

was allowed to droop. The ideal to aim at was the 
expression of the gasping carp. A long sigh was 
drawn between each syllable ; consonants were pro- 
nounced as indistinctly as possible, and vowels were 
lengthened into long diphthongs. Stare as hard as 
you can, stick an eyeglass in your eye, put an ounce 
of treacle in your mouth, now look at yourself in the 
looking-glass and try to speak : you will see an 
esthete. 

A few years earlier you might have seen all the 
ladies who prided themselves upon following fash- 
ion's lead walking lame. The reason was a slight 
lameness of the Princess of Wales, who had recently 
recovered from an attack of rheumatism. 

These remarks are offered simply in answer to an 
assertion, often made, that the women of England 
are more serious than their French sisters. When 
ladies have no house to keep, no children to bring 
up, or no husband to follow, I will admire them as 
much as you please ; but I shall always hold them 
capable, w^hen they like, of a little frivolity. 

In many respects the Englishwoman is superior to 
the Frenchwoman : she is more natural ; she is less 
subject to vapours, and does not regularly get her 
migraine. She is not so naive as the young French 
girl ; but, on the other hand, she is less childish. 
She goes out without her mamma or her maid, gives 
you a hearty grasp of the hand, and looks you un- 
blushingly in the face. Unmarried, free as the air, 
she may go to a theatre, take a walk or even a jour- 
ney with male companions ; she is the leader of so- 
ciety, indispensable at all social gatherings and pleas- 
ure parties. Married, she does not boast of leading 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 35 

her husband by the nose ; she attends to her house 
and children ; she does not make love to her hus- 
band, but neither does she make love to other men. 
If she is not more demonstrative towards the former, 
it is, in a great measure, his own fault : he permits 
no liberties to be taken w^th him. The Englishman 
has not the bump of amativeness ; his neck, on an 
average, does not measure more than fourteen 
inches ; her enticing ways would be entirely lost 
upon him. In her dignity, the Englishwoman re- 
frains from making advances towards her lord and 
master for fear of their not being met with approval. 

In France, after church on Sundays, we are accus- 
tomed to see young girls going to the public prome- 
nade to show their little new shoes. Their eyes are 
bent on the ground, they walk with little jerky steps ; 
it is a little exhibition. Mamma whispers on either 
side : " My daughter will have a hundred thousand 
francs for her dot'' These public Sunday walks, in 
country towns, always remind me of a fair at which 
the mothers trot out their daughters for inspection. 
No long, free, health-giving country walks there. 
No ! The roads are muddy, and the damp would 
penetrate the little delicate boots, and the pointed 
heels, intelligently fixed almost in the centre of the 
sole, are not calculated to encourage walking ; be- 
sides, who would there be to notice the silk dresses 
ind fifty-franc hats ? 

Now look at the young English girl, with her hair 
knotted simply on her neck ; she wears a sixpenny 
straw hat, which she has turned up on one side, a 
cotton dress, and strong-soled, low-heeled boots. 
Racket in hand, see her setting out \vith some young 

if. )».-•;.«* ^1 I OU'v? i 



36 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

fellows, and a troop of other girls as simply dressed 
as herself, to go to some distant field and play a 
game of lawn-tennis. Not one mamma in the party. 
On her return home she devours her dinner without 
shame. What she values above gracefulness is 
health. It is no compliment to say to an English 
girl : " You eat like a little bird ; " it would be a re- 
proach. You will see the prettiest eat cheese and 
heartily crunch a stick of raw celery. 

Summer and winter the English woman takes a 
cold bath every morning : whence her fresh com- 
plexion, her vigour, and her resplendent look of 
health. 

A young girl of fifteen travels alone. I know 
some who come thus to School in London from the 
north of Scotland. In France, a young lady would 
not go without her maid to buy herself a pair of 
gloves in a shop on the opposite side of the street. 
I remember I was one day sitting in the Champs 
Elysees with two English ladies. Beside us was a 
young French girl with her father and mother. The 
person on the right of papa rose and w^ent away, and 
we heard the young innocent say to her mother : 
** Mamma, may I go and sit by papa ? " It was a 
baby of about eighteen or twenty. Those English 
ladies laugh over the affair to this day. 

With us a too strict watch over our children, and 
the fear of giving them too much liberty, engender 
a love of the secret and mysterious. Everything in 
an English education tends to make young people 
self-reliant. No mother or governess would think 
of opening a letter addressed to her daughter oi 
pupil ; the girl has her private correspondence as 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 37 

sacred as that of her elders. No letters received on 
the sly ; no letters written to young sweethearts at 
midnight. The absence of suspicion destroys the 
charm of mystery. It is the Bartholos that make 
the Rosines ; and, alas, the Rosines that become 
Countess Almavivas. Virtue springs, blooms, and 
ripens beneath the generous rays of liberty and con- 
fidence. 

The English girl has not her modesty shocked at 
every turn. She can buy a book or paper and read 
them .... without having her eyes opened. She 
has no need to hide her novel under her pillow ; she 
can read it in the drawing-room before her friends. 
The comic papers are written for her as w^ell as for 
others. I take this to be the result of the liberty of 
the press ; public opinion is the best of censors. 
When one looks at the comic papers of France, one 
is tempted to ask one's self whether the cocotte and 
the adulterous wife are the heroines of French so- 
ciety. 

Gentlemen never use objectionable expressions 
among themselves, nor indulge in risky jokes in the 
company of ladies. 

In fact, everything in this country seems to foster 
the freedom that ivomen and girls possess. In a 
railway station you will see written up over the door 
of a comfortable and well-furnished room : ^' Ladies' 
Waiting-room." In France it is simply, Cote des 
dames ; Cote des hommes. In Germany, it is still bet- 
ter : **Men;" *^ Women." In Brittany, it is sublime ; 
there is no distinction. 

Pride, which is eminently an English virtue, en- 
genders sentiments of independence even in young 



38 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

jrs of good, well-to-do families, fre^ 
tuations in offices, paint on china, or 
ernesses to earn their own pocket 
money. Others prefer to go to Canada, India, or 
Australia, as ladies' companions, rather than live an 
idle life at home. Besides, in English families, 
which frequently number from six to a dozen chil- 
dren, the daughters are portionless, and their matri- 
monial chances are far greater abroad than in their 
mother-country. So many of the younger men of 
the country have emigrated, that women are wanted 
in the Colonies, and England has too many. 

The girls of the middle classes, I have said al- 
ready, have no dot ; or, if some have, it is the excep- 
tion, and not the rule. A suitor, who said to a 
father, ^*What marriage portion shall you give to 
your daughter ? " would be promptly and ignomini- 
ously dismissed from the house. When a man takes 
a wife, he is supposed to be able to provide for her. 
But a man is not at all bound to wait until he is in 
a good position in order to propose for a wife. No. 
I know young students who are engaged to young 
ladies, whom they will marry as soon as their in- 
comes will permit. In some cases, the engagement 
lasts for years. The accepted lover is received in 
the family of the lady, who, in her turn, is personally 
introduced by him to his friends ; and he is freely 
allowed to take her to parties and theatres. 

English custom permits so much liberty to the 
young affianced couples that neither party is air 
lowed by the law to withdraw from the engagement 
without the consent of the other. A woman may 
sue the lover who has forsaken her for damages. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 39 

When a young French girl has been engaged to be 
married and the engagement falls through, there is 
no harm done : the young people have only met in 
the company of their friends. But in England the 
case is different ; for years, perhaps, the lovers have 
been in the habit of taking sentimental and more or 
less solitary walks together. The young English- 
woman who has been engaged is a flower whose 
bloom has been a little rubbed off, and in the eyes 
of other men she has lost some of her value. So if 
her lover leaves her without a cause, the law allows 
her compensation in the form of damages. The ac- 
counts of breach of promise cases are the delight of 
ladies. x\nd, indeed, some of them are exceedingly 
amusing. The love letters are all read aloud in 
court. The young plaintiff lays at the feet of the 
jury all the vows and kisses she has received. Some- 
times it is a sweet maid of forty, all broken-hearted, 
pleading her cause against a faithless lover who has 
forsaken her for a younger, prettier, or richer bride. 
Another time it is some young schemer, robbed of 
his dearest hopes, who sees a nice little fortune slip- 
ping from his grasp, and comes to ask the court to 
make him some compensation for the wrong done 
to his innocence and candour. I remember one 
who asked considerable damages because, said he, 
he had given up a good situation in order to live 
quietly with his future wife upon the income she 
possessed. I know one Englishman who was con- 
demned to pay five hundred pounds to a young girl 
for having neglected to carry out his promise of 
marriage. A month later, he led her to the altar — 
to get back his money. 



40 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Nothing is easier than to get married in England ; 
no papers to produce, no consent to obtain ; a 
declaration, witnessed by two persons, to make 
before the registrar, and that is all. 

A girl goes out one fine morning to post a letter, 
and, on her return, informs her parents that she is 
married. Thus does she act, if she is above one- 
and-twenty and her parents throw obstacles in the 
way of her getting married. 

The husband of an unfaithful wife is not an 
object of ridicule in England ; he has only to prove 
adultery on the part of his wife to obtain a divorce. 
If the lover be a rich man, the husband does not 
fight a duel with him ; not so romantic, not so 
stupid ! He sues him for damages in proportion to 
the injury and annoyance he has sustained. When 
the lady is a woman of fortune, the damages 
granted sometimes amount to a fabulous sum of 
money, and the husband is on the laughing side. 

Just as neat and clean as are the women of the 
middle and working classes, just so ignoble and 
filthy are the woman of the lower class. It is the 
lowest step of the social ladder. These creatures 
wear no linen. They are covered with a. few 
loathsome rags ; their faces are haggard, dirty, and 
sullen-looking, or bloated by gin-drinking ; they 
have at least one black eye, dirty hair that has never 
felt the comb, and to crown the whole, an old 
battered bonnet trimmed with feathers, flowers and 
lace. Such feathers ! such flowers ! such lace ! 

The old women especially are a sight not to be 
forgotten ! They do not go to the workhouse, be- 
cause there they would have to work, and they prefer 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 4I 

to be free and die of starvation in the gutter. You 
may count these poor degraded wretches by hundreds 
of thousands in London alone. The young ones will 
not go out into service : they prefer working in man- 
ufactories, or, more frequently, selling matches, flow- 
ers, or worse still they find their living in the open 
air, in the streets, or in the parks. The immorality 
of these girls is revolting. Some of them appear to 
be rather pretty ; but how could you form an opinion 
of them without soaking them in warm water a few 
days ? These brazen-faced creatures may look from 
time to time with envy at the neat, smart, fresh-look- 
ing little housemaids who answer the door in the 
houses of the well-to-do classes ; but they dread the 
yoke. It is always the story of the Wolf and the Dog. 
They had rather want for everything, and keep what 
they call their independence. Respectable servants 
all come from the country. 

That which strikes a foreigner in France is the 
simplicity and neatness of the women of the lower 
classes. Our peasant women, with their snowy caps, 
their open faces, that tell their own tale of a peace- 
ful life and honest work, fill them with astonishment. 
These same women are the fortune of France ! All 
our worthy country girls without exception have 
their dozen or two of linen to take with them to 
service. In England, in London especially, they are 
brought up to consider themselves quite as good as 

ladies : whence the trijnmed hats and finery 

but no chemise. 

Some go to the altar "when they have pressing 
reasons for it," said a clergyman of the Church of 
England to me one day. As a rule, they content 



42 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

themselves with the altar of Nature : it is the life of 
the lov/er animals. 

The London flower-girl forms a curious subject of 
study for those whose ideas of flower-girls are founded 
upon Alexandre Dumas' description of them in his 
novels : innocent doves to whom the roi VerUGalant"^ 
did not disdain to throw and give kisses. The voice 
of the London flower girl has the hoarseness of the 
drunkard's ; she exhales a stench of gin and dirt, 
and swears like any Norman carter. When you take 
a rose from her basket, you throw her a penny, tak- 
ing great care to keep at a respectful distance. I 
remember to have seen, in 1869, on the course at 
Longchamps, the Princess of Metternich shake hands 
with Isabelle. O Isabelle ! the London flower-girl 
has nothing in common with thee but her colour ! 

* Henry IV. of France 



VII. 

Cardboard VilLif, — Magic Boots — London Tradespeople — Shop 
Signs — Advertisements — Sandwiches — On^ a French Indefinite 
Pronoun — The Spirit of Business — Habler is not Parler^ and 
vice versa, 

England is the home of shoddy; Thanks to free- 
trade, you can have a cardboard villa for two hun- 
dred pounds, and a silk umbrella for one and six. I 
don't wish to speak disrespectfully of free-trade : 
there is a reverse side to every medal, and the quality 
must often suffer from this mad rage for buying in 
the cheapest market. Thanks to free-trade, however, 
you can buy a pound of sugar here for threepence, 
while in France it is still sold at eight pence, in 
order that a few refiners may make rapid fortunes. 
Here no one would think of telling the sun to hide 
his face so that the candle makers might make their 
fortunes in half the time. 

The houses are built with half-baked bricks, with- 
out a single stone. These houses are only intended to 
stand for ninety-nine years, after which they become, 
by right, the property of the free-holder. It is like 
placing money in the sinking fund. In sixty years 
time, half London will be rebuilt. I say London^ be- 
cause in the provinces the ground generally belongs 
to the owner of the house, who therefore employs 
better materials. 



44 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Punchy whom it is always useful to consult upon 
these matters, represents an alarmed tenant, who 
has just sent for his landlord, and is showing him 
the dining-room wall, which has given way. The 
poor landlord cannot make it out ; but all at once^ 
striking his forehead, he exclaims : " I'll bet some^ 
body has been a leanin' agin it ! '' 

Windows and doors close badly. It is in vain that 
you make a fire and sit in front of it : your back 
freezes. I have heard serious Englishmen declare 
that houses would be unhealthy without these 
draughts. After all, this is very possibly true ; for 
the bricks of which they are built must contain foul 
gases, which can thus partly escape through the 
chinks of the windows and doors. 

There are few houses which do not show signs of 
damp inside. "It rains indoors, here," I said one 
day to my landlord. — " Well, umbrellas are cheap 
enough," he replied. 

Once I went to a ready-made boot shop, and 
bought a pair of patent leather boots, for, I am 
bound to admit, the modest sum of eleven and 
sixpence. I was going to a ball in the evening. 

After dancing for about an hour, I felt the sole 
of my foot getting delightfully cool. Gliding 
carefully, I left the drawing-room to go and seek 
out the cause of this unexpected treat. I soon 
discovered that while the upper part of my boot 
faithfully stuck to its position, the lower part, sole 
and heel, had become transformed into a sandal. 

Indignant, I went next day to the shopkeeper, 
and produced the offending boot. At first he 
appeared quite astonished. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 45 

**What can you have been doing with these 
boots ? " he asked me. 

** Why, dancing in them, of course," I replied. 

^* Oh, well," cried he, ** that's where it is." 

Moral : Pay thirty shillings a pair for your boots ; 
they will be cheap at the price. 

When you have bought all you require in a shop, 
you place your piece of gold on the counter. The 
shopkeeper takes it up, sounds it on a metal plate 
to be sure that it is good, and hands you your 
change. 

You, on your part, try all the silver he gives 
you. "You took me for a rogue; I take you for 
another : we are quits ; I forgive you." 

Under the present system of education, the 
shopkeeping class is not likely to improve. In 
former times a shopkeeper loved the shop where 
his forefathers had honourably carried on business, 
and he was as proud of the signboard over his 
door as the Montmorencys of their escutcheon. 
Even in the present day, in France, he brings up 
his family in the shop, and his wife is not ashamed 
to sit behind the counter and keep his books. In 
England, the wife and daughters of the shopkeeper 
are ladies ; they play the piano, and go about in 
furs and gold chains to display the large profits of 
papa. The son seldom succeeds his father : the 
business is sold to one of the shopmen. 

Read the announcements of the tradespeople, 
and you will see that they are all celebrated. 
Their articles are known all over England, famous 
throughout Europe, or the best in the world. If 
you go to a chemist or perfumer, and ask him 



46 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

whether he keeps Farina's Eau de Cologne, or any- 
other well-known article of pharmacy or perfumery, 
he will invariably reply : *' Yes, we have the article 
you name ; but if you will try our own, you will 
find it far superior." 

The most insignificant apothecary has his own 
tooth-pastes, and washes for promoting the growth 
of the hair, or for imparting to the complexion the 
lustre of youth, all of them of his own make. He 
prefers selling these articles, because he knows 
what they cost him, whilst upon well-known prep- 
arations he can only make a modest profit. 

The London public, tired of paying outrageous 
prices to the tradespeople, has organised co-opera- 
tive societies all over the metropolis. People joined 
together, took premises, and stocked them with mer- 
chandise procured wholesale. Companies soon fol- 
lowed, all founded upon the same principle, and at 
the end of a few months only, most tradesmen put 
up the following announcement in their shops : 
'• Things sold here at co-operative prices." What is 
certain is, that articles of every-day use have dimin- 
ished in price since the establishment of this formi- 
dable competition. I used to pay eight shillings a 
bottle for a tonic that I have been taking regularly 
for years. I now get this medicine made up at the 
stores of which I am a member, and it costs me 
three shillings : it is still two shillings profit for the 
druggist ; but I grumble no more. 

I know a sharper who has put up over his door : 
'*For a shopkeeper, honesty is the best policy." 
His shop is besieged on Saturday nights. 

In one of the City streets may be seen two urn* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 4/ 

brella makers' shops side by side. The master of 
one has written up on a red board : '* If you do not 
wish to be disappointed, you must buy your um- 
brella here." His neighbour displays a blue board, 
on which is written in golden letters : *^ If it is a 
really good umbrella that you want, look sharp ; my 
shop is the place where you will find it." 

Every grocer — I might say without exception- 
displays the following announcement in his shop : 
** When you have once tasted our tea, you will drink 
no other." One of the largest tea-houses is not 
ashamed to publish the following advertisement in 
all the public thoroughfares and railway stations of 
England. *^ We sell at three shillings a pound the 
same tea as we supply to dukes, marquises, earls, 
barons, and the gentry of the country." The poor 
viscounts are left out : it is a regrettable oversight. 

The English are better traders than manufac- 
turers. The article they produce has no finish, no 
elegance. The French workman is an artist in his 
way ; the work of the English artisan is purely 
manual, and he only turns out substantial things. 

As agents, the English are not to be surpassed. 
This kind of business was first started by the Jews. 
They prefer being agents and brokers to being 
manufacturers ; it gives them an opportunity of 
plundering two Philistines — the producer and the 
consumer. 

Fabulous sums are spent in advertising. The 
Times has more than sixty closely printed columns 
of advertisements every day. Some firms advertise 
in every newspaper and railway station throughout 
the kingdom, and on the cover of every book and 



48 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

periodical that appears. These advertisements are 
often cautions^ indeed, the public should take them as 
avertissements. Judge for yourself : I will give you 
two or three. 

'* It will soon be considered a crime in the eyes of 
the law to have allowed a patient to die without hav- 
ing given him a dose of Eno's (so he does) Fruit 
Salt. Sold at 2S. pd." 

"To let, a Journalist, by the week or month. 
Will supply articles on travels, biographies, and es- 
says." This advertisement appeared in the Athe^ 
ncEum^ the best English literary paper. Again : 
** Upon receipt of a stamped envelope will be sent 
the photograph of a baby before and after taking 
Dr. Ridge's Food." 

The best advertisements are those that promenade 
the streets in a file. These poor devils, forsaken of 
God and man, that carry two boards, one on the 
chest and one on the back, have been aptly named 
*' sandwiches." 

I was walking one day in Fleet Street, when, to 
my great astonishment, I saw pass a dozen fellows 
with shaved heads and dressed in convicts' uniform. 
They were accompanied by a warder. " It is shame- 
ful," said I to a friend at my side, " that those poor 
creatures should not be taken away in a van." They 
were chained in couples, and on their backs a large 
" 14 " was visible. It was the advertisement of a 
vaudeville named " Fourteen Days," and which was 
being played with success at the Criterion Theatre 
at the time. 

At the windows of all fashionable shops you see : 
Ici on park fra?icais. The indefinite pronoun oti 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 49 

generally refers here to the person who happens to 
be out when you enter the shop. I speak from ex- 
perience. 

The spirit of business in England has reached its 
highest pitch. I know a north country shipowner 
who sold his sailing vessels to his sons, and then 
competed with them with steamers. 

When you pay a railway fare you can, at the same 
time, by paying threepence extra, have an insurance 
ticket. If an accident should happen and you were 
killed, the company would pay to your heirs the 
sum of a thousand pounds. I know an Englishman 
who never fails to provide himself with a ticket of 
this sort. '* Every time I reach my destination safe 
and sound," said he to me one day, '* would you be- 
lieve it? .... I feel a little bit disappointed.'* 

There is not a man who lifts his hat as a funeral 
passes through the streets. In this country you 
must be useful in order to inspire esteem or respect, 
and a dead person is not useful. I know nothing 
more saddening than the sight of an English funeral. 
They manage these things better in Ireland. At any 
rate, they manage them more gaily ; they all get 
drunk at the funeral of a relative or friend. 

John Bull, good patriot as he is, prefers a British 
article to any other. When he is obliged to keep 
one of dubious quality, he baptizes it with a foreign 
name. We are all the same, for that matter. What 
we French call " the Neapolitan disease " is the same 
as that which the Italians call ^^the French disease." 
The Germans seem, in England, to have obtained 
4 



50 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the preference. The adjective German seems to be 
in English synonymous with bad, German silver, 
and German sausages are articles that I would not 
recommend to my bitterest foe. 

To go away without saying good bye is called in 
English "to take French leave." 

The Spanish word hablar, which means " to speak," 
gave us the French word habler, which means " to 
speak boastfully." The Spanish have taken their 
revenge : "to speak boastfully" is, in their language, 
parlar. Take that ! 



VIII. 

Other Days, other Ways — My Wife in Despair — Nothing succeeds 
like Success — Poverty no Virtue — A Nation of Bees — English 
and French Noblemen — Parvenus— A well-chosen Toast. 

M. GuizoT tells us that Alfred, to put the honesty of 
his subjects to the test, used to cause bracelets of 
gold to be hung up in public places. They were 
never stolen, and if a traveller dropped his purse by 
the roadside, he had no need to turn back and seek 
it, for he was certain to find it untouched, even 
though he did not pass that way again for a month. 
Such was the Saxon in the time of Alfred the 
Great. Quantum mutatus ab illo I How the railway 
has changed him ! I maintain that a London shop- 
keeper would consider himself dishonoured if he did 
not give false weight ; that a railway booking clerk 
would go and hang himself if he could not rob you of 
a shilling out of the change of a sovereign; that an 
omnibus conductor would not keep to his occupation 
a month if he could not double his wages by cheat- 
ing the company or the passengers ; that no cab- 
driver ever in his life demanded the right fare, and 
has even very rarely accepted it ; that no blind beg- 
gar ever said '' Thank you," before having made 
sure with his own eyes that the coin offered to him 
was a good one. 



52 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

My wife came home one day disconsolate. 
** What do you think ?'' she said to me, *^ I gave a 
two-shilling piece to the omnibus conductor, and I 
find he has given me two and three-pence change. 
Fancy, poor fellow ! perhaps the father of a family, 
and he will have to make up the sixpence to the 
company out of his own pocket." I was just going 
to mingle my lamentations with those of my wife, 
when it occurred to me to ask her to let me see the 
florin in question. '^ Console yourself," said I, after 
having examined it ; '^ the children of the poor fel- 
low will have a good time to-morrow." The florin 
was a bad one. 

The first wedding present that an English mamma 
gives a married daughter is a pair of scales. Every 
mistress of a house knows that it is necessary to 
weigh all provisions, and continue to change trades- 
people until one has ascertained which of them 
gives the nearest approach to proper weight. 

It would be very wrong to apply to all the trades- 
people of England the remarks which I have just 
made about the lower-class ones of London. In 
the country, I have always found them to be polite, 
upright, and of an education that I might almost 
call superior. 

In England, you must before all things be suc- 
cessfuL No one pities the man who is down, he is 
shunned and ridiculed. He is called a lazy fellow 
or a fool ; you may choose which you prefer to be. 
The aristocrat and the rich man, such are the 
Englishman's two idols. John Bull, upon his 
deathbed, invariably says to his heir : " My son, 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 53 

get money, honestly if you can ; but get money." * 
Here, more than anywhere, 

*^ La vcrtu sans argent est un fueuble inutile ^ 

Nothing succeeds like success, runs the English 
proverb. That signifies, in good plain English, 
that the end justifies the means, and that if you 
have kept within the law in building up your 
fortune, very few people will question you as to the 
means by which you attained your object. Legal 
and loyal are doublets, says the philologist. Alas ! 
so they are ; loyal is the good old popular form ; 
legal is a word of recent and learned formation, 
with a signification suited to the exigencies of 
modern civilization. 

Become a rich man in England, and you will have 
acquired every good quality, nay, every talent. You 
may patronise the arts, govern the public schools, be 
Member for the University of Oxford, Member of 
the House of Lords even. *' A man of wealth is 
dubbed a man of worth." It is Pope who has said it. 

Poverty is no vice in France. It is in England. 

But everything has its redeeming point. This 
thirst for wealth, this adoration of the golden calf, 
has made the English nation a nation of bees. 
Everyone works. The heir of a millionaire does not 
dream of a life of idleness. The Duke of Argyle, 
whose eldest son is the husband of one of the 
Queen's d-aughters, has another who is established 
in Liverpool as a tea merchant. Our country lord- 
lings would think they w^ere lowering their dignity 

* rem, 

si possis, recte ; si non, quocumque mod©, rem. 



54 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

in contubuting to the prosperity and wealth of the 
nation. In their uselessness, they prefer vegetating 
upon a few hundred francs a year, passing their time 
at ecarte in their clubs, running into debt, and bor- 
rowing a small sum to enable them to present their 
parish church with a stained-glass window, that 
shall hand down to posterity the glorious name of 
an ever parasitical family. 

Give fifty thousand francs to a Frenchman, and he 
will place them in the funds and retire from active 
life. Give the same sum to an Englishman, and he 
will either spend it in a month, or go to the colonies 
and turn farmer. It is all or nothing with him. 
Fifty thousand francs ! In English money that makes 
but two thousand pounds ! What a meagre sum ! 
How small it sounds to the ear of an Englishman ! 

In landed property alone the Duke of Devonshire 
has a fortune which amounts to about eight millions 
of pounds sterling, which means two hundred mil- 
lions of francs. He is one of the richest of the peers 
of England, but there are many richer than he. The 
Duke of Westminster, for instance, whose fortune is 
something incredible. 

The word nobleman, in English, is almost synony- 
mous with rich man ; this is the secret of the prestige 
enjoyed by the aristocracy. The day on which the 
aristocracy have the right to dispose, according to 
their pleasure, of the property which now increases 
day by day on account of the law of primogen-iture- 
ship, they will cease to be a political power, they 
will become just what their French brethren are, a 
group of prejudiced men. 

The English parvenu is still more objectionable 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 55 

than his like in France, because he has not, as the 
latter has, a certain leaven of admiration and respect 
for knowledge and talent. When he is in good so- 
ciety, the Frenchman contents himself with rattling 
his guineas ; w^hile the other will tell you, without 
hesitation, that he might have turned his hand to 
poetry or painting, or easily learnt Latin and Greek, 
if he had set himself about it ; but that, like a good 
Briton, he preferred to be useful to his country and 
go in for business. Barring this, the two types are 
similar, always excepting this little difference — that 
the French specimen has invariably arrived in Paris 
in wooden shoes, and wdth forty sous in his pocket, 
whereas this kind of covering for the feet is un- 
known in England, and the English parvenu always 
comes up to London with only half-a-crown about 
him. 

I happened to be dining one day at the same table 
as the Lord Mayor of London, the king of English 
parvenus. At dessert, my Lord Mayor brought the 
subject of education upon the table. The subject 
was well chosen, for the company was composed of 
about a hundred journalists, men of letters, and 
other professional men. ^* Well, you know," said he, 
*' I admire education very much, but I doubt whether 
it really does as much good as is supposed ; in fact, 
I am inclined to believe that it does as much harm 
as good. According to my ideas, every boy of 
twelve should be taken from school and put in the 
way of earning his bread and cheese ; it is quite 
enough for him to be able to read, write, and cipher, 
to know a little history and geography. More edu- 
cation than this can only do him harm, by turning 



56 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

away his attention from the main object of life, which 
is to get on in the world. Look at my case : I left 
home at eleven years of age, to learn a trade. I 
never had more than an elementary education, and 
yet, you see, I am now Lord Mayor of London." 
Such were the remarks, full of good taste, that his 
lordship thought fit to make before an assenibly com- 
posed in a great measure^ as I said, of professional 
and literary men. 



IX. 

London. — The Town — The Parks — The Streets — Heartrending 
Sights — Drunkenness — More Sandwiches — Other remunerative 
Employments — Flourishing Business — The Language of the 
Streets — The Monuments — Fogs — Let us be off. 

**Hell is a city much like London,'* said the great 
poet Shelley. 

London is, indeed, an ignoble mixture of beer and 
bible, of gin and gospel, of drunkenness and hypo- 
crisy, of unheard-of squalor and unbridled luxury, 
of misery and prosperity, of poor, abject, shivering, 
starving creatures, and people insolent with happi- 
ness and wealth, whose revenues would appear to us 
a colossal fortune. 

Except at the East End, the poor are not confined 
to any special quarter of the capital ; you may see 
them everywhere, clothed in rags and degradation. 
In this free country, the most abject human beings 
seem to go about clothed with a covering that re- 
sembles in form the vestures of the upper classes, 
just to parade their misery in the open street, as a 
constant reproach to the indifference and contempt 
of the rich. A celebrated author commits a serious 
error, an error which only his short stay in England 
can account for, when he says that there are no beg- 
gars or low people to be seen in the parks of Lon- 
don. These places swarm with them, and so do 



58 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Regent Street, Oxford Street, and all the great arte- 
ries of the town. 

Let us take a look at the public promenades. 

Hyde Park is a kind of large field badly kept in 
order, and situated in the midst of London. There 
may be seen by day the richest aristocracy in the 
world, on horseback, or in their carriages, going 
round and round the gravelled drives. At nightfall, 
Hyde Park becomes a resort for cut-throats, a huge 
lupanar at sixpence a head, that an Englishman will 
advise you to carefully avoid ; the vilest scum of the 
streets meet there to wallow in the mire to their 
heart's content ; the gates are left open purposely 
by night. The policemen who stand at the entrance 
could easily cleanse this hotbed of vice ; but they 
have express orders not to meddle in that which, it 
would appear, is not their business. The London 
populace is a malignant one ; it is best not to med- 
dle with it. 

By the side of Hyde Park stands Kensington Gar- 
dens. This place has something of the solemn gran- 
deur of a wood about it — something uncultivated 
that delights the eye. It is like a good mile of the 
Forest of St. Germain in the heart of town. In 
France, our public gardens are placed under the 
care of some ex-sergeant, w^hose ideas never soar 
beyond obeying the orders of his superior, and keep- 
ing everything in line. If a refractory leaf does but 
attract his attention, une^ deusse, it disappears. Our 
trees in the Tuileries look like the little green imi- 
tations that are put into children's toy farmyards 
Good old Abbe Gaul tier, from whom we have all 
learnt a little geography, speaks of the famous park 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND, 59 

of Versailles, where Art has forced Nature. Over 
here, Art leaves Nature alone, because the English 
respect and appreciate her much more than we. 
Nothing is more imposing than the exuberant beauty 
of the English parks. Take a walk across them in 
the early morning, when there is no one stirring, and 
the nightingale is singing high up in some gigantic 
tree ; it is one of the rare pleasures that you will 
find within your reach in London. If the morning 
i>e fine, you will not fail to be struck with a lovely 
pearl-gray haze, soft and subdued, that I never saw 
in such perfection as in the London parks. Re- 
gent's Park, Green Park, and St. James's Park, the 
latter especially, which is near to Buckingham Pal- 
ace, Whitehall, and the Palace of Westminster, are 
exceedingly fine. 

I advise all who pay a visit to London to wander 
outside the city, and take a look at Kew Gardens, 
Richmond Park, and the chestnut trees of Hamp- 
ton Court. 

Let us now turn to the streets. 

What strikes one at first sight, is the nomenclature 
of these streets. Engkipd, who can boast with rea- 
son of the finest literature in the world, does not 
name her streets after her great literary worthies. 
When names were wanted, no one thought of Shake- 
speare, of Spenser, of Gibbon, of Sterne, of Gold- 
smith, of Burns, of Thackeray, of Dickens, of the 
hundreds of names that alone would be sufficient to 
make England glorious for ever. The streets here 
are called after the aristocracy, the principal towns 
of the kingdom, and the landlords who built the 
first houses in them : Bedford Square, Russell Street, 



6o JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Grosvenor Square, Liverpool Road, etc. It is true 
that I know a Milton Street, and an Addison Road ; 
but it must be remembered that Milton was secre- 
tary to Oliver Cromwell, and wrote religious poems. 
As to Addison, it is not to his poetical works or his 
essays that he owes the honour of having a street 
named after him ; it is to the fact of his having been 
a statesman driving his carriage and pair through 
London streets. 

The main thoroughfares are now paved with wood. 
This kind of paving is very good for the horses and 
carriages, also for the contractors, who are constantly 
being called into requisition to mend it. 

Something that astonishes a Frenchman in Lon- 
don is to see well-dressed men smoking their pipes 
in railway carriages, on omnibuses, and even as they 
walk in the streets. I do not say that they are 
always perfect gentlemen, but they are men vv'ho 
look well-bred : business men, bankers' clerks, etc. 
The men of the lower classes all appear to me to 
smoke new pipes. I never see any blackened ones. 
Peculiar taste ! When they have used a pipe two or 
three times they throw it away. 

The enormous size of London makes it necessary 
for most people to pass from an hour and a half to 
two hours a day in an omnibus or train. This per- 
petual movement must tell on the brain. Those 
who value their health at all do part of the distance 
on foot. In this country, where the climate is damp, 
and the food and drink are the reverse of light, ex- 
ercise must be taken ; it is the first thing an English 
doctor advises you. 

On entering one of those little constructions that 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 6l 

we call vespasie7i7ies^ but which do not at all resemble 
them, you will see in front of you, ** Adjust your 
dress before leaving." Here, not the slightest move- 
ment must shock modesty. I admire that. 

Let us take a walk. 

From eight o'clock in the evening, the finest part 
of London is entirely given up to debauchery. It is 
a human meat market. I have said elsewhere that 
respectable Englishmen do not walk about in the 
evening. The men that you see in Regent Street 
are mostly foreigners, or provincials who have come 
up to town for a round of dissipation. Several years 
ago, the public ball-rooms were closed, and the 
market, which used to be held within four walls, is 
now transferred to the open street. The police des 
moeurs does not exist in London, and the capital of 
this country, so moral and so Christian, exhibits 
sights too heartrending to imagine. Girls of four- 
teen or fifteen, with dyed hair, and wan-looking faces 
daubed with paint, stand about drunk and in rags, 
soliciting the passers-by for a vile wage. Worn out 
with fatigue, they drop in the gutter at day-break. 
They have been up and down the street six mortal 
hours ! It is horrible ! The inhabitants of London 
are beginning to take the matter up : petitions are 
being prepared. It is high time. 

The drunkenness in the streets is indescribable. 
On Saturday nights it is a general witches' sabbath. 
The women drink to almost as great an extent as 
the men. In Scotland, they equal them. In Ire- 
land, they surpass them. My authority is an official 
report made to the English Government in 1877. 

I find the following advertisement in the Christian 



62 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

World : " The wife of a clergyman of the Church of 
England wishes to recommend to a Christian fam- 
ily, a cook formerly given to drinking, but w^ho has 
taken a firm resolution of leading a better life." 
Dear good lady ! Why does she not take her her- 
self ? Ah ! I will tell you w^hy. The worthy lady 
is not selfish ; clergyman's wife though she be, she 
does not wish to monopolise all the opportunities of 
doing good ; she leaves some for you, you should be 
grateful to her. 

The Englishman is only noisy when he is drunk ; 
then he becomes combative and wicked. One-half 
the murders one hears of are committed under the 
influence of drink. It is not so very long since a 
gentleman was not ashamed to be seen tipsy in the 
street. At the beginning of the century they went 
to Parliament in this state ; it was rather good form. 
There is a story which says that Pitt one day went 
to the House of Commons leaning upon the arm of 
an honourable friend. They were both of them 
drunk. ** I say, Pitt," cried the great statesman's 
friend, **how is it ? I can't see the Speaker.'* 

" That's funny ! I — shee— two," replied Pitt. 

I remember hearing a drunkard one day in Can- 
non Street station — it was at the time when a war 
between England and Russia appeared imminent-^ 
challenging loudly the latter country. ^' Come on, 
Russia, I'll manage you," he shouted. As Russia 
did not make her appearance : ^* Well, then, come 
on, Turkey ; Russia or Turkey, I don't care which 
it is. The same silence on the part of the Turk. 
'* Well, then, come on, Russia, Turkey, England, V\} 
fight the b — — lot of you." He was got into a car* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 6^ 

riage somehow. I pity his poor wife if he reached 
home without having slaked his thirst for battle 
upon one of the European Powers. 

The saddest spectacle that man, in his degrada- 
tion, has yet given to the world, is a file of sand- 
wiches. Two boards are slung over the sandwich- 
man's neck, one on his chest, the other on his back, 
and he is sent about the streets placarded with the 
strangest, most grotesque advertisements. For the 
meagre pay of a few pence, he has, all day long, in 
all the samples of weather that this coldj^ damp cli- 
mate affords, to pace along the gutters of the prin- 
cipal streets. I say in the gtitte?-^ for he is not allowed 
to leave it, lest he should intercept the traffic, either 
of the road or the pavement. I have seen these poor 
wretches dragging one tired foot after the other, and 
encased in great square trunks, that covered them 
from knee to neck. Only their heads and arms were 
free, and even the arms were not at liberty alto- 
gether, for they had to distribute to the passers-by 
the circulars of a trunk-making firm. Our chiffon- 
fliers are princes in comparison with these poor 
beasts of burden : 

*' Plutot souffrir que mourir 
Cest la devise des hommes." 

You will not have gone a hundred paces along the 
street with a valise or bag in your hand, without 
having a band of street boys and loafers at your 
heels. They are all on the look out for a chance of 
earning a penny, if you confide your luggage to 
them to carry, or of disappearing round the corner 
with it, if you turn your back an instant. If you r«* 



64 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

quire to cross the road, a beggar in rags will step in 
front of you, and sweep away the mud out of your 
path with his broom. You will come across these 
poor devils in the most fashionable quarters : in 
Piccadilly, in Regent Street, at Hyde Park Corner, 
under the very windows of Buckingham Palace 
even. 

The most flourishing businesses in London, and 
the only ones that are really substantial, are those 
of beer and of old clothes. No credit for the poor 
man : to get his glass of beer he must come down 
with his three-halfpence. The publican and the 
pawnbroker are the princes of English trade. The 
one is the consequence of the other. Each is the 
best friend of the other. 

In England, the Government does not interfere 
in these matters ; it does not monopolise any in- 
dustry, does not undertake to supply the taxpayer 
with brimstone matches that will not light, and 
threepenny fireproof cigars. 

The needy person applies to the pawnbroker. 
The manner in which these gentry, w^hom I have 
heard magistrates plainly call receivers of stolen 
goods, carry on business, favours and encourages 
theft. Ma tante, who, in France, corresponds to my 
tmcle on this side of the Channel, is obliged by law 
to pay tlie person who pledges or sells any object of 
value in that person's own residence. This, at any 
rate, is a slight guarantee. Here, you may give the 
pawnbroker the first name and address that occur to 
your mind, and he pays you. He lends at the rate 
of thirty per cent., and advances as little as he can, 
because he takes all articles at his own risk ; if thej 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 6$ 

have been stolen and are subsequently identified by 
their rightful owner, he is obliged to restore them. 

The language of the streets is beyond everything 
that any French dictionary places at the disposal of 
the translator : all idea of conveying a notion of it 
must be renounced. Just as choice, euphemistic, 
and free from objectional expressions as is the 
language of the well-educated classes, just so crude 
and obscene is that of the lower orders. These latter 
seem to have but one adjective at their disposition, 

the adjective bl y. This word, which corresponds 

to our oath sac7'e\ makes one shudder in England. 
To French ears, it can only sound ridiculous. An 
English workman will say, for instance, " I told my 

master that he only gave me a sovereign 

every week, and that I wanted five shillings 

more. He said he had not the time to listen to 

my complaints," etc. And so on all the while. 

This word, however, which happens to be now spelt 
like the synonym of sanguijtary is, we believe, no 
other than a corruption of the expression byr lady 
(by our lady) which we come across several times in 
Shakespeare. 

Cock-fighting and dog-fighting, so famous in 
former days, are now forbidden by law. Boxers 
themselves have ceased to be an attraction ; they are 
liable to prosecution, and only meet for a match 
clandestinely. These remnants of barbarism are fast 
disappearing. These combats were terrible. The 
Englishman hits a blow that would knock your head 
off your shoulders. This is a curious thing : even 
S 



66 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

when these savages fight in earnest, they never kick 
each other ; it is contrary to the national spirit. 
The kick is reserved strictly for the weaker sex, who 
enjoy the whole and sole monopoly of it. 

It would be difficult to say where London begins 
and where it ends. The postal radius extends twelve 
miles around Charing Cross ; which makes, for the 
circumference of the town, about thirty French 
leagues. 

London has, so to speak, no monuments. The 
Abbey and Palace of Westminster, St. Paul's, — you 
must not look for much else. A few statues : the 
great Cobden, shivering with cold, in a dirty, out-of- 
the-way corner ; Nelson, stuck upon a roman candle, 
high in the air ; three Wellingtons and a Shakes- 
peare ; this last a private gift. At the four corners 
of Trafalgar Square, the London Place de la Concorde^ 
four pedestals are to be seen. Three are surmounted 
by statues, the fourth is waiting. Not that there is 
any dearth of great men in England : it is simply 
indifference, nothing more. 

The Albert Memorial, a monument erected by the 
Queen to the memory of Prince Albert, is worth 
looking at, were it but to show how easy it is to fool 
away three millions of francs. 

The Monument is a column two hundred feet 
high, erected in commemoration of the Great Fire 
of London that occurred in 1666. For threepence 
you can go to the top of it ; but, as the keeper says 
in one of Charles Dickens's novels, *4t is worth 
twice the money not to make the ascent." 

John Bull is serious and business-like, he does not 
waste his powder and shot upon sparrows. Public 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 6/ 

monuments are frivolous things in his eyes. Yet, 
what treasures and riches are hidden in such friv- 
olities ! Nothing attracts you without, everything 
enchants you wathin. London streets are certainly 
more useful than ornamental. Nothing in them 
invites you to loiter ; on the contrary, everything 
induces you to push on. There are no strollers in 
London ; in a park they would be thought sus- 
picious characters. Every gentleman you pass in 
the street is going to his business or on his way 
home. 

The London fog of universal reputation is of two 
kinds. The most curious, and at the same time the 
less dangerous, is the black species. It is simply 
darkness complete and intense at midday. The gas is 
immediately lighted everywhere, and when this kind 
of fog remains in the upper atmospheric regions, 
it does not greatly affect you. It does not touch the 
earth, and the gas being lighted, it gives you the 
impression of being in the street at ten o'clock at 
night. Traffic is not stopped ; the bustle of the City 
goes on as usual. 

The most terrible is the yellow fog, that the Eng- 
lish call pea-soup. This one gets down your throat 
and seems to choke you. You have to cover your 
mouth with a respirator if you do not wish to be 
choked or seized with an attack of blood-spitting. 
The gas is useless, you cannot see it even when you 
are close to the lamp. Traffic is stopped. Some- 
times for several hours the town seems dead and 
buried. 

These fogs are not so common as our excellent 
fellow-countrymen believe. They have an idea that 



68 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

in order to avoid getting lost in London streets, you 
must not let go your companion's hand, or, at any 
rate, not wander beyond reach of his coat tails. 
These fogs scarcely appear more than fifteen days 
out of the three hundred and sixty-five. During the 
rest of the year you have always much about the 
same grayness. When the sky is clear, it is lovely ; 
but it rarely is clear. When the sun makes his ap- 
pearance he is photographed, that folks may not for- 
get what he is like. Fogs are beginning to be a little 
less dreaded ; the Corporation have taken the matter 
in hand. Several meetings have been held upon the 
subject. The Lord Mayor has a hand in the pie. 
Besides, w^e are told that London is soon to have a 
new Government. So you see there is hope. 

Let us quickly be off and get into the museums, 
the clubs, the houses ; we shall there find plenty to 
delight our eyes, minds, and hearts. 



X. 

English Interiors — John Bull in Town and in the Country — The 
Clubs — The Museums — The British Museum — South Kensing- 
ton Museum — The National Gallery — The Great English Mas- 
ters — The Tower of London — Hampton Court — Westminster 
Abbey — St. Paul's — The Crystal Palace — Madame Tussaud's. 

If nothing is more sad and gloomy than out-of- 
door life in the large English towns, nothing that I 
know of is more charming than the interior of a 
well-kept English house. It is a paradise of studied 
comfort and well-understood luxury. 

How sensibly these English people understand 
comfort ; with what ingenious forethought are the 
smallest needs anticipated, what care and study are 
expended upon every convenience of life ! Sofas 
for cosy chats, easy chairs with book-rests, for 
reading in ; smoking chairs, ad hoc, every seat in 
the room looks as though it had been invented to 
satisfy a special need. Drawing-room, parlour, 
library, smoking-room, each has its special use. 
Every Englishman has his boudoir (I use the word in 
its etymological sense), that is to say, his little sanc- 
tum, whence the vulgar are excluded, and where he 
can take refuge when he wishes to work or rest. He 
calls this place his growlery, a name having, as you 
see, the same meaning as our boudoir. 

Carpets are things of primary importance in 



70 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

England. Every floor and staircase, in even the 
simplest houses, are covered with them. We say 
in France, that provided an Englishwoman has her 
carpet and her tea she is happy. These two things 
are indeed indispensable to her happiness : two 
primary necessaries of life. I can say from ex- 
perience that when I am in France, it never enters 
my mind to ask for tea, but in England I cannot 
do without it ; the climate demands it. " In 
Scotland," a Scotchman will tell you, " I could not 
exist without my glass of w^hiskey ; " and he adds, 
*but in England, I can do w^ithout it," which I 
am quite ready to believe, although I never saw it. 

In a country where winter lasts eight months of 
the year, w^here the gray, dull, dirty dampness, that 
the Englishman is fond of calling most unusual 
weather^ fills you with the spleen, it was imperative 
to seek for happiness at home. 

On the outside, the private mansions have nothing 
remarkable about them ; but what wealth and 
luxury are hidden behind their high dark walls ! 
This, however, is nothing to compare with the great 
country seats, the ancient homes of Old England ; 
royal domains are they. Picture to yourself a 
country studded with Chateaux de Fontainebleau. 

It is to the country you must go if you would see 
John Bull in all his glory. Sportsman to the back- 
bone, there he is in his element. ^'The foreigner 
who would form a correct opinion of the English 
character," says Washington Irving, ''must not con- 
fine his observations to the metropolis. . . . I^ 
is in the country that the Englishman gives scope t<$ 
his natural feelings. He gladly breaks loose from 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. /I 

the cold formalities and negative civilities of town, 
throws off his habits of shy reserve, and becomes 
joyous and freehearted. He manages to collect 
round him all the conveniences and elegancies of 
polite life, and banish its restraints. His country- 
seat abounds with ev^ery requisite, either for studious 
retirement, tasteful gratification, or rural exercise. 
Books, paintings, music, horses, dogs, and sporting 
implements of all kinds are at hand. He puts no 
constraint, either upon his guests, or himself, but in 
the true spirit of hospitality, provides the means of 
enjoyment, and leaves everyone to partake accord- 
ing to his own inclination. . . . 

**But what most delights me is the creative talent 
with which the English decorate the unostentatious 
abodes, of middle life. The rudest habitation, the 
most unpromising and scanty portion of land in the 
hands of an Englishman of taste becomes a little 
paradise. The great charm, however, of English 
scenery, is the moral feeling that seems to pervade 
it. It is associated in the mind with ideas of order, 
of quiet, of sober, well-established principles, of 
hoary usage and reverend custom. Everything seems 
to be the growth of ages of regular and peaceful ex- 
istence." 

And the clubs, those Pall Mall palaces ! The 
AthencBUjn Club, for the celebrities of the literary and 
scientific world ; the Carlton for the most important 
members of the Conservative party ; the Refor7?i, for 
those of the Liberal party; the Oxford and Cambridge^ 
for members of the two great Universities ; the 
Army and Navy, for officers of each service ; I find a 
list of ninety-nine clubs in Whitaker's Almanack, 



T2 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

which omits the names of several unimportant ones. 
These great clubs are so many princely habitations 
reserved for the noble and the wealthy : entrance 
fee, forty pounds ; annual subscription, ten pounds. 
This is holdi?ig the sugar-plum rather high. These 
great clubs are magnificent and very imposing, I ad- 
mit ; but the lackeys in knee breeches, the sound- 
killing carpets an inch or two thick, the broad stair- 
cases, the immense rooms that seem to be limitless 
in height, width, and length, the members coming 
and going without thinking of removing their hats, 
each ignoring the other or muttering through closed 
teeth a " How d'you do ? " which is equivalent to 
** Leave me alone, I have no time to talk to you ;" 
all this freezes me, and I should strongly suspect 
every one of these luxury-surfeited men of feeling 
terribly bored, if I had not been thoroughly con- 
vinced of it by having seen them yawning behind 
their Times fit to put their jaw bones out of joint. 

The only club that does not strike me with a re- 
spect akin to awe, is the Savage Club. This some- 
what Bohemian fraternity is composed of literary 
men, writers, artists, and actors. The Prince of 
Wales was brave enough ■ to be made a Savage last 
year, and has taken his after-dinner smoke in the 
club like the humblest of his brother Savages. The 
Varied talents of the members form a special attrac- 
tion of the dinners and other meetings of this inter- 
esting association. The entrance fee is eight pounds, 
and the annual subscription three. 

A volume would scarce suffice to convey a correct 
idea of the treasures contained in the museums of 
London : the British Museum, the South Kensing* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 73 

ton Museum, the National Gallery, Hampton Court 
Palace, the Tower of London, and I know not how 
many more. 

British Museum. — Reading-room in rotunda form, 
with glass ciipoia, undoubtedly the finest in the 
world. In the middle of the room are librarians, in- 
telligent, obliging, and noiseless ; in circles are ar- 
ranged commodious tables, comfortable chairs, every 
requisite for reading and study, including tran- 
quillity ; around you 600,000 volumes. The printed 
book section contained, in 1882, more than 1,300,000 
volumes. Catalogues perfect. In Paris, to find a 
book, you must know the name of the author and 
the date of the first edition. A friend of mine lately 
wrote to me from Paris to ask me for a list of all the 
French works that treat of Shakespeare. In one 
hour, at the British Museum, I obtained a complete 
list. Galleries of pictures ; architecture ; Egyptian, 
Assyrian, Greek, and Roman antiquities — among 
which may be seen the Mausoleum, one of the seven 
wonders of the ancient world ; Cleopatra's coffin ; 
the Ilgi seal (date 2050 b.c.) ; the marbles of the Par- 
thenon ; the bas-reliefs of Phidias and from the 
Temple of ^gina ; columns from the Temple of 
Diana at Ephesus ; the epitaph of the Athenians 
killed at Potidoea. These treasures were bought 
from Lord Elgin, who obtained them in exchange 
for a clock that may still be seen in the Bazaar at 
Athens. Then there are bas-reliefs from the Temple 
of Apollo, carved tablets from Nineveh and Baby- 
lon, etc. I repeat, it would be idle to attempt to 
enumerate here all these priceless treasures. Mar- 
vellous natural history collections, comprising part 



74 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

of the skeleton of a fossil man. Collections of manu* 
scripts, coins, engravings. A botanical museum, a 
geological museum. A room with Etruscan vases, 
etc., etc. The British Museum is open to the public 
on every day, except Sunday of course, so that one 
never meets with workmen or others of the lower 
class. At the Louvre, you see more workmen than 
well-dressed people. ** A coin tw^o thousand years 
old ! " I once overheard a worthy peasant fellow ex- 
claim ; *^ that's a good joke I We're only in 1868 
now ! " 

South Kensington Museum. — Schools of Art and 
Science ; splendid library of about 50,000 volumes ; 
collections of pictures by English masters ; museum 
of antiquities ; Handel's harpsichord ; an organ that 
belonged to Martin Luther ; a collection of objets 
d art of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance. The 
Museum contains 617 oil paintings, and 1,291 water- 
colours. The Indian section is most interesting : In- 
dian temples, Vedic and Puranic gods ; illustrations 
of the whole of the Hindoo mythology. 

National Gallery, founded in 1824, with the 
magnificent collection of Mr. John Julius Angerstein. 
This collection, as its name implies, is almost entire- 
ly composed of the works of the great English 
masters : Hogarth, Reynolds, Gainsborough, Wright, 
Lawrence, Turner, Leslie, Edwin Landseer. You 
may also see there pictures by Raphael, Rubens^ 
Rembrandt, Poussin, Correggio, Leonardo da Vinci^ 
Titian, Van Dyck, MuriHo, Velasquez, Salvator 
Rosa, etc. 

The Tower of London. — On the banks of the 
Thames, in the midst of the City, surrounded by a 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 75 

moat, stands this ancient fortress. Built by Wil- 
liam the Conqueror, and partly, tradition says, by 
Julius Caesar, it is to this day perfectly intact. Here 
are kept the crown jewels, a collection of fire-arms 
and the finest armour, the axe and block used at the 
execution of Lady Jane Grey, the nine days' queen, 
and a thousand other precious historical relics. All 
these warders in fifteenth century costumes, these 
corridors, these portcullises and moats, carry you 
back in thought hundreds of years while you spend 
two or three delightful hours in this unique old 
place. Just opposite the Tower of London is the 
Tower Sub-way, an iron tube, seven feet in diameter, 
forming a footpath through the bed of the Thames, 
between Great Tower Hill and Vine Street. Mr. 
Charles Dickens advises none but the very briefest 
of Her Majesty's lieges to attempt the passage in 
high-heeled boots or with a hat to which he attaches 
any particular value. 

Hampton Court. — On the Thames, a few miles 
distant from London, stands this splendid palace, 
built by Cardinal Wolsey, who presented it to Henry 
VHI. It was by a strange irony of fate the favourite 
residence of Charles L and of Cromwell. The park 
and gardens are fairy-like. The chestnut trees of 
Hampton Court have a world-wide fame ; they are 
titanic. The palace contains a gallery of 933 pic- 
tures, mostly historical portraits ; also sumptuous 
apartments and most beautiful tapestry. Overlook- 
ing a lovely landscape that should be seen when the 
chestnut trees are in bloom, is a terrace nearly a 
mile long. One of the curiosities of this place is a 
colossal vine- planted in 1769, which bears as many 



^6 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

as 2,500 bunches, each more than a pound in weight. 
The trunk which, at its base, measures thirty inches 
in circumference, is no feet long, and throws out its 
branches over a surface of 1,200 square feet. The 
exquisitely flavoured' grapes are reserved for the 
royal tables. The park of Hampton Court is open 
on Sundays : well done, John ! 

Westminster Abbey. — Otherwise, Cathedral of 
the West, to distinguish it from St. Paul's, which 
was formerly called Eastminster^ or Cathedral of the 
East ; the most famous monument in England after 
the Tower of London ; built by Edward the Con- 
fessor, on the spot where Sebart, king of the East 
Saxons, had built a church in 616. Of the first 
edifice there remains hardly anything more than the 
cloister, which the boys of Westminster School now 
use as a gymnasium ; the building, as it stands at 
present, is, with few exceptions, the work of the 
architects of Henry VII. For more than 800 years 
the kings and queens of England have been crowned 
in Westminster Abbey. It would be impossible 
here to give a description of the tombs, the 
statues and busts, the monuments erected to the 
memory of all the celebrities who were the pride of 
the ages in which they lived. Suffice it to say that, 
besides the sovereigns who repose beneath the 
stones of this ancient edifice, you are also treading 
on the remains of Spenser, Milton, Dryden {Foefs 
Corner)^ Handel, Sheridan, Macaulay, Charles Dick- 
ens, Thackeray, Livingstone and Garrick, the great 
comedian, who certainly is not out of place in the 
midst of all these glorious sons of Albion. Above 
the tomb of the valiant Henry V. is still to be seen 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. ^*f 

the saddle and helmet used by him at the memorable 
battle of Agincourt. The tombstones are in admir- 
able preservation. The best preachers in the king- 
dom are to be heard at the three Sunday services. 

St. Paul's Cathedral. — Situated on the summit 
of Ludgate Hill, this imposing edifice may be seen 
from many miles round. This monument of gigan- 
tic proportions shares with Westminster Abbey the 
honor of rendering homage to the great men of a 
loving and grateful country. St. Paul's Cathedral, 
such as we now see it, w^as begun by Sir Christopher 
Wren in 1673, ^^^ finished in 17 10, the old edifice 
having been completely destroyed by the Great Fire 
in 1666. Here lie the mortal remains of Wellington, 
Samuel Johnson, Wren, Turner, Joshua Reynolds, 
and Edwin Landseer. The dome is 404 feet high. 
It is the most prominent edifice of the English capi- 
tal. 

Crystal Palace. — This immense glass cage cost 
;^i, 500,000 to build. The work was no doubt a diffi- 
cult one, and, to parody the witty saying of Samuel 
Johnson, it is to be regretted that it was not found 
to be impossible ; it is but a great ugly toy. The 
terrace is fine, and the surrounding gardens magnifi- 
cent. This place is a favourite resort of Bank-holiday 
keepers, of whom it sometimes attracts as many as a 
hundred thousand. There are fireworks, choirs of 
five thousand voices, flower shows, acrobats, cir- 
cuses, menageries, out-door games of ail kinds, the 
whole for the modest sum of one shilling. The 
Crystal Palace has a good picture-gallery, a splen- 
did reading-room, a library, a school of Literature^ 
Art and Science. It also boasts a zoological garden, 



78 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

which, however, is very insignificant when compared 
with the magnificent one in Regent's Park, as also 
is our own Jardin des Plantes. As to the collection 
of fishes, I advise visitors to renounce all idea of 
trying to find any in the aquarium ; but the excel- 
lent restaurant of the Palace supplies them, with 
their proper sauces, at decidedly moderate charges. 

Madame Tussaud's Exhibition. — Capital wax fig- 
ures of the kings and queens of England, and most 
of the important personages of the world. A mu- 
seum of historical relics, containing among other 
things the knife of the guillotine used during the 
Reign of Terror, the principal key of the Bastile, the 
carriage used by Napoleon I. in his campaigns, the 
shirt worn by Henry IV. when he was stabbed by 
Ravaillac, etc., etc. For sixpence extra you m.ay 
make your flesh creep in the Chamber of Horrors, 
which contains the portrait models of all the great- 
est criminals, Marat expiring in his bath, and draw- 
ings representing the tortures inflicted upon crimi- 
nals in different countries. This exhibition was 
established in London, I regret to have to say, by a 
Frenchwoman. 



XL 

John Bull's Sentiments of Humanity — The Royal Society for the 
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — The Treatment of Women, 
and of Wives in Particular — Extracts from Police-Court Re- 
ports — A Dainty — The Hospitals — Charity — The Beggars — 
Pigeon Shooting — Magnanimity of John Bull. 

Animals are very well treated in England, even by 
the roughs of the lower classes in London. The 
principal reason of this is, that the Society for the 
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has numerous 
agents, and any one convicted of ill-treating an ani- 
mal is liable to six months' hard labour. Besides, by 
maltreating a horse you may maim it, and thereby 
diminish its value. When the London carmen treat 
their wives as well as they treat their horses, I shall 
appreciate their sentiments of humanity ; as it is^ 
they only remind me of the love of the Turk for his 
dog. If, in the streets of Constantinople, you were 
seen to harm a dog, you would immediately have the 
populace at your heels ; but you might serve a 
woman or child as badly as you pleased, and no one 
would think of interfering with you. 

A few years ago, the Prince of Wales made a voy- 
age to India, On his way, he paid a visit to the 
King of Spain who, to do honour to his guest, or- 
dered a bull fight to be got up for hl^ amusement. 
The English did not like it, and began to niak<^ a stir, 



80 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

The Prince of Wales, in fact, is president of the So^ 
ciety for the protection of animals. Like a good 
Englishman, he abstained from attending the per- 
formance. 

A Society for the protection of women has yet to 
be formed. I extract the two following police court 
reports from the newspapers, where you may see 
similar ones every day : — 

Thames Police Court. — John H. is charged with 
having beaten his wife, and threatened to kill her. 
On Friday night he returned home drunk, seized his 
wife by the hair, and threw her out of the window. 
He then sent his five children to join her in the 
street, whether by the window or not, the report does 
not state. The woman managed to get into the 
house again, but the man, seizing a knife, threatened 
to settle her. She succeeded in escaping, but not be- 
fore he had injured her so brutally about the head, 
that blood flowed in profusion from her nose and 
mouth. John H. is condemned to one month's im- 
prisonment. If he had done as much to a horse, he 
would have got six months at least. But a woman ! 
his wife^ especially ! 

In Manchester, and all parts of Lancashire, the 
men wear iron soled shoes with pointed toes. With 
these, kicking can be very successfully performed. 

Here is the second case. The prisoner is con- 
demned to six months' hard labour. The magistrate 
is more severe, because the victim is not the legiti- 
mate wife of the savage, who would in such case 
have been able to plead extenuating circumstances. 

Woolwich Police Court. — William A. is charged 
with having struck Mary Ann G. The woman ap- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 8l 

pears in court with her head bandaged, and her face 
covered with bruises. The accused has been beat- 
ing her for days, and has struck her in the street, in 
her own house, and in a neighbour's house. It is in 
the latter place that he beat his victim, wath the iron 
heel of a boot. A policeman states that he found 
the w^oman lying unconscious upon the floor in a 
pool of blood, and adds that the room looked like a 
slaughter-house. The magistrate remarks that there 
exists an odious class of beings, who live upon un- 
fortunate women, and treat them worse than slave 
traders and corsairs treat their human merchandise. 
He sentences the prisoner to six months' hard la- 
bour, and regrets that the law does not allow him to 
order him to be flogged every day in his cell. 

I read in to-day's newspaper (30th December, 
1882) : — ^^Barrow-in-Furness. — A woman, named 
Sarah P., died yesterday from the effects of blows 
dealt her about the head by her husband. Two dayi 
ago, it appears, P. had a quarrel with his wife, whom 
he seized by the hair, and in this manner dragged 
upstairs to the bedroom. There he knocked her 
down, and by means of a large hammer literally re- 
duced her head to a jelly. He then put her on the 
bed, and slept the night by her side. The accused, 
who does not deny the charge, is sent to take his 
trial at the Court of Assizes." You may read such 
cases every day in your newspaper. What are the 
people taught? you will ask. Certainly it is not 
religious and moral lessons that are wanting in this 
country of churches and chapels, of Sunday-schools 
and Bible classes, of Christian associations. Salvation 
Armies, and what not ! Neither can drunkenness 
6 



82 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

alone entirely account for the savage brutality of 
these men of the lower classes in England. The 
cause must be looked for in the law, which does not 
protect the women. 

I find, in the Daily News of the 14th November, 
1882, the following reflections upon the subject of a 
sentence delivered the day before. '^ Our laws re- 
lating to assassination and acts of violence, lead to 
most disastrous consequences. A husband was 
yesterday convicted of having kicked his wife to 
death. The jury, not considering that these kicks 
had been inflicted with the intention of causing 
death, only found the prisoner guilty of man- 
slaughter, and the sentence passed by the judge w^as 
but fifteen months' imprisonment. Such mild pun- 
ishments are not calculated to diminish the number 
of cases of brutality towards wives ; on the contrary, 
they will tend to make certain classes of our society 
believe that a wife is a kind of property, a sort of 
domestic animal, that the husband may maltreat at 
his pleasure, and almost with impunity." 

The married woman occupies but a secondary 
place in society. In low life, the husband stakes 
her for ten shillings, for half-a-crown, for a glass of 
beer. 

I remember one day a man going to the police- 
court to claim his wife. The woman contended 
that her husband had sold her to a friend for ten 
shillings, that she was quite happy with her new 
owner, and that on no consideration would she 
return to her husband, w^ho was in the habit of 
beating her and keeping her without food. 

These savages have also several other favourite 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 83 

pastimes. When they are not occupied in kicking 
their wives in the most sensitive parts of their 
bodies, they fight among themselves, and bite off 
each other's noses. The olfactory organ would 
seem to be a dainty to their taste. I counted, dur- 
ing the year 1882, in the London newspapers alone, 
twenty-eight cases of this kind. 

The hospitals, like the great public schools and 
universities, are each independent institutions, hav- 
ing their own governing bodies and revenues. The 
Government has nothing to do with them. Every 
one here is master in his own house. From the ad. 
ministrative point of view, England is a confedera- 
tion of small republics : respicbliccE in republic a. In 
France, charitable institutions spend over a fourth 
part of their income in staffs of servants, printers' 
bills, and red tape. In England, the governing body 
of a hospital is composed of rich philanthropists, 
who, instead of charging the poor for looking after 
their interest, pay for the honour of doing good. 

Each hospital has its school of medicine. This is 
a source of revenue. The students pay for their 
course of study, and the examinations are made by 
the leading men of the Royal College of Physicians 
and the Royal College of Surgeons. The prelimi- 
nary examination, which admits a student to a hos- 
pital, is an insignificant one. This is a mistake, for 
numbers of young men waste their time for years in 
the hospitals, and are at length obliged, as a last 
resource, to go to Scotland or America, and take 
diplomas which may there be had without difficulty 
England is full of dunces of this kind. Before ac- 



84 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

cepting them as students, it would be a good plan 
to make sure that they possessed a certain amount 
of intellect and knowledge. 

The workhouses, the unions, the board schools, in 
each parish, are supported at the expense of the 
ratepayers. In the poorer " districts the poor-tax 
amounts to one third of the rent ; in the rich ones, 
there is hardly any poor-tax at all. It is easy to see 
at a glance that the laws here are made by the land- 
lords and the aristocracy. It is true that landed 
property is more valuable in the districts where the 
poor-tax is lower. Nevertheless, it is hoped that 
London will soon have a municipal government 
which will extend over the w^hole capital, and that 
the rates will be uniform in all parts of it. The 
Corporation of London at present only represents 
the City proper. 

The worshipful city companies, to the number of 
eighty and more, do not now concern themselves 
much about the various branches of trade that they 
are still supposed to represent. The mercers, the 
grocers, the haberdashers, the bakers, the carpenters, 
etc., are simply noblemen and the princes of finance 
and commerce, gentlemen who go in for charity on 
a large scale, with money which does not come out 
of their own pockets, make prodigious dinners, get 
their own children and those of their friends edu- 
cated for nothing, and take part in the Lord Mayor's 
show every year on the ninth of November. The 
riches of these companies, which have been accumu- 
lating for centuries, are beginning to attract the at- 
tention of the public, who wish to find out whether 
by better employing this money, which was intended 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 85 

to do good to the needy, the poor-tax might not be 
lightened. The worshipful companies naturally cry 
out against such sacrilegious interference ; but, if 
the municipality of London is ever extended ovef 
the whole town, they will be forced to show their 
cash boxes and give an account of the uses to which 
they put their colossal fortunes. 

The streets are infested with beggars, to whom the 
English do not trouble to reply, ^' I have no small 
change," and of match sellers, bareheaded and bare- 
footed, merely covered with one coating of filth and 
vermin, and another of rags. If these creatures 
washed, they would die of cold. 

German bands, hand organs, and concertinas are 
the delight of the poorer neighbourhoods. There 
exists in London quite a colony of Italians, with dirty 
yellow faces and bangles in their ears, who live by 
the hand organs. They are all accompanied by girls 
in national costume. The greater part of these are 
English girls whom these blackguards of the lowest 
stamp have tampered with in more than one respect, 
and who prefer the adventurous life of the streets to 
the slavery of a factory life. Organ grinders make, 
on an average, about ten shillings a day, it appears. 
It is, as I have said, in streets inhabited by work- 
people that they reap their bronze-harvest. They 
play polkas, waltzes, and especially jigs, and all the 
inhabitants come out of their slums and dance 
around the instrument. 

The attraction of every popular holiday in Eng- 
land is a band of Christy minstrels, street singers, 
who rub soot about their faces, get themselves up 
in extraordinary garments made of great multi- 



86 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

coloured plaids, and sing vulgar songs, whilst they 
accompany themselves upon banjos improvised out 
of an old sauce or frying pan. These artists, ot 
American importation, sing in chorus, dance, grimace, 
and see themselves inundated with pennies that fall 
from all quarters into their grotesque headgear. 

The angel of charity, the lady bountiful ! • This 
is a title to which every woman who has no duties to 
keep her at home aspires. The misunderstood 
woman — the old maid — that article so common in 
England, is the benefactress of the human race. See 
her trot along the streets, going to distribute coal 
tickets, bread tickets, w^ords of consolation, verses of 
the Bible, at the bedside of the sick. Do not stop 
her on her way ; she is so busy she has not a moment 
to spare ; some one is waiting for her. Go, dear 
kind soul, unclaimed blessing, the wretch who dis- 
dains your treasures of love will never know what 
he has lost ! 

By hundreds may be counted the charitable asso- 
ciations, the benevolent societies, the hospitals and 
workhouses ; and to think that every year is spent, 
in Bibles and alcoholic liquors alone, more than 
^60,000,000, that is to say, a sum of money which 
would not only be sufficient to abolish pauperism, 
but which would allow every freeborn Briton to live 
like a gentleman. 

One of the favourite pastimes of John Bull, the 
protector of animals, is pigeon shooting. He does 
not always content himself with shooting at the un- 
fortunate little bird ; he sometimes puts out one of 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 8/ 

its eyes, that it may only fly in a certain direction, 
and that he may shoot it more easily. This kind of 
sport, however, begins to be a little less popular, 
thanks to the charming Princess of Wales, who for- 
mally intimated to the public the interest she felt in 
these poor little innocent birds. Not long ago, the 
men of the low^est classes used to find great pleasure 
in flaying cats alive. 

Magnanimity, in politics especially, is a virtue of 
which John Bull claims the sole monopoly. Read 
his books and papers, and see how he is always 
offering himself incense until it is a wonder he does 
not choke. A moralist of the highest order, de- 
fender of the rights of small nations, apostle of the 
suppression of slavery, propagator of the true faith, 
John does not allow any one else to have a hand in 
the protection of petty states ; it is his privilege 
and his only. I have not yet forgotten what a state 
he was in when the French troops entered Tunis ; 
what a perfect fever of indignation ! What a shower 
of insults he poured out on our heads ! What a 
drenching he gave us ! His transports of fury and 
abhorrence were epic. As his heart relieved itself 
of bitterness, it refilled with joy. What ! can it 
really be you, friend John, preaching to us on the 
respect due to small nations ? You who, for the 
past ten years that I have been watching you, have 
made war upon the Ashantees, the Afghans, the Ba- 
sutos, the Boers, the Zulus, the Abyssinians, the 
Egyptians, and Heaven knows whom besides. You, 
who barked at Russia, but did not dare to bite, be- 
cause you no longer, as in 1854, had France at your 



88 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

side to do the work ! And, even for this little noise^ 
do I not remember that you made the poor Sultan, 
automaton of ail the Turkeys, hand you over the 
island of Cyprus ? What, John ! has it not also come 
to my ears that you get a revenue of five millions of 
francs by enforcing the opium trade vi et armts? 
You know very well w^here the shoe pinches ; you 
do not like to have your nose rubbed in your foreign 
policy — it annoys you, O great philanthropist ! At 
least, then, be a little charitable, O great and mag- 
nanimous Christian ! 



XII. 

Christmas — The Plum-pudding — Recipe for making a Plum-pud* 
ding — The Pantomimes — Bank Holidays — Popular Saturnalia 
— Unsatisfactory Result of a Philanthropic Act. 

Christmas is the great family fete day in England. 
Rich or poor, every one dines at Christmas. Even 
the poorest carry, the day before, a miserable little 
bundle of rags to the pawnbroker, in order to ob- 
tain the wherewith to buy a dinner of meat and 
pudding. Familiar faces are gathered around every 
fireside. Only at this time of the year does the 
Englishman lay aside all business cares, and give 
free scope to feelings of gaiety. On Christmas 
Eve, Father Christmas, with his long frost-spangled 
beard, comes down the chimney to fill the stockings 
that are hung at the bedside, with sweetmeats and 
toys, just as in France Petit Noel comes and fills the 
little shoes that are laid in the fireplace. Here New 
Year's Day is not kept as a holiday. Christmas-boxes 
take the place of New Year's gifts. 

The humblest home is decorated with holly and 
ivy ; the poorest housewife prepares her goose and 
plum-pudding. The English excel in the art of 
decorating the interior of their houses. The Christ- 
mas decorations are sometimes quite artistic, even 
the simplest give the house a holiday look ; you see 



90 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

at once that the day is no ordinary one. Only the 
poor postman has a hard time of it ; he must carry 
compliments of the season and good wishes to every 
door. *^ To you and yours we wish a Merry Christ- 
mas and a Happy New Year/' this is the formula. 
The poor modern Mercury takes heart as he remem- 
bers that after he has delivered compliments of the 
season, presents and Christmas-boxes to all, he him- 
self will not be forgotten when the time comes for 
him to knock at the door and ask for his Christmas- 
box. No one forgets him. I know of no more 
universally popular personage than this humble 
official. Bearer of love letters, post-office orders, 
cheques, little carefully tied packages, all the more 
charming that it is difficult to get at their contents, 
it is who shall be the first to open the door to him. 
He is welcomed everywhere ; smiling faces greet 
him at every door. In England, the postman is the 
hero of Christmas-time ; so he strikes the iron while 
it is hot, and on Boxing Day comes round to ask 
for a reward which all are ready to give without 
grudging. 

The mistletoe plays an important part at Christ- 
mas. Besides all the ivy and holly with which look- 
ing-glasses and pictures are framed, branches of 
mistletoe are suspended from the ceiling. This part 
of the decorating is superintended by the young girls 
of the family, who have their reasons for making 
sure that the mistletoe is conveniently placed, for 
every young fellow who surprises a girl beneath it 
has a right to put his arm round her waist and give 
her a kiss. 

The king of the day, however, is indisputably the 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 9I 

plum-pudding. You should see faces light up with 
pleasure, and little mouths stretch out on the entry 
of the majestic monarch, crowned with holly, and 
exhaling a perfume which brings joy to every heart. 
I must say that I never properly appreciated the 
plum-pudding, but I have always accepted a slice. 
To refuse a helping of this dainty would be to cast 
a chill over the family feast, to play the sorry part 
of a kill-joy : you might as well refuse the bread and 
salt of Russian hospitality. The English seem to 
be the only people who appreciate these cakes and 
puddings, of which the little Corinthian grape is the 
chief ingredient. It is Greece that supplies these 
little black berries. ^' If France, Russia, and Amer- 
ica,'* says M. About in La Grece Contemporaine^ 
*'were possessed with the same craving, the con- 
sumption of this product would be unlimited, and 
Greece would have in her vines an inexhaustible 
source of revenue." 

It is no small matter to make a plum-pudding. 
Judge for yourself, here is the recipe : Take a pound 
and a half of raisins, stone them and cut them in 
halves, and add half a pound of currants. Chop a 
pound of suet and a pound of orange and lemon 
peel, and mix with ten ounces of grated bread- 
crumbs, a pound . of flour, a spoonful of baking 
powder, ten ounces of sugar, half a pound of al- 
monds, eight eggs, salt, spices, half a pint of pale 
ale, and a quartern of brandy. Mix well and boil 
for eight hours. If you do not find your pudding 
tasty enough to please you, I advise you, next time, 
to add a decoction of half-an-ounce of shag. This 
will give it a finishing touch. The quantity of beer, 



92 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

brandy, and spice, that a lower class cook puts into 
her pudding, renders it a perfect ball of fire ; you 
are obliged to grasp the table, and hold on tight^ 
whilst you swallow a mouthful or two of it. 

Most of the theatres give a pantomime at Christ- 
mas. These pantomimes, as they are wrongly called 
here, are absurd cock-and-bull stories, founded upon 
the Arabian Nights or the fairy tales, and gorgeously 
put on the stage. In the performance of Robinson 
Crusoe, for instance, you see a procession of all the 
kings and queens of England, from William the 
Conqueror to Queen Victoria, a Lord Mayor's Show, 
and a review of English troops at Cairo. People 
enjoy that, and find no fault with it. No wit about 
these productions. Dazzling costumes, splendid 
ballets, and pretty girls by hundreds. When the 
curtain has fallen after the transformation scene, 
the performance terminates with a harlequinade in 
which the poor policeman — Bobby, as he is called — 
comes in for all the blows and never succeeds in col- 
laring the clown who has run off with the leg of 
mutton. The laughs are all at the expense of poor 
Bobby. I have always failed to understand the in- 
nocence, or appreciate the morality, of the English 
harlequinade. 

Sunday, in England, being a day of funereal 
gloom, and not a holiday, it was thought necessary 
to give the people a few days of rest or rather of 
pleasure. Sir John Lubbock passed a bill in Parlia- 
ment, a few years ago, by which the banks were 
enjoined to close on four days in the year : Boxing* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 93 

day, Easter-Monday, Whit-Monday, and the first 
Monday in August. These are called Bank-holidays. 
The English people, keepers of Saint Monday par 
excellence^ have seized the occasion by the forelock ; 
all the shops follow the example of the banks ; the 
manufactories and workshops give up their work- 
men and workwomen ; the slums and sinks of Lon- 
don vomit their unclean contents. The days on 
which these popular saturnalia are held, you must 
stay at home and draw your blinds. 

These lower classes in England form a curious 
subject for study. They alone preserve the tradi- 
tions of Old Merry England. Regardless of the 
future, living from hand to mouth, bohemian to 
the backbone, noisy and coarse, they form a most 
striking contrast to the rest of this nation of ants, 
morose, frigid, and still preserving the same dread 
of happiness and joy as in the days of John Knox. 

It is the same difference as that which existed, 
in the eleventh century, between the Saxons and the 
Normans, when, on the eve of the battle of Hast- 
ings, which laid England at the feet of William the 
Conqueror, the Normans spent the night in prayer 
and the Saxons in riotous drunkenness. 

At eight or nine in the morning, the public- 
houses are ready, the animals are let out of leash, 
the riot begins. The sky-blue, apple-green, blood- 
red figures appear, shouting and dancing to the 
strains of concertinas ; the penny cigars are lighted, 
the mob is in motion. The fete opens with drink, 
continues with drink, and closes with drink ; it is 
the whole day one desperate struggle between the 
container and the contained, in which the latter is 



94 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

often worsted, and evacuates the field. Few or no 
games. They knock down cocoa-nuts with short, 
thick sticks, play pitch-and-toss, or mount the 
merry-go-rounds ; nothing else. No plays : the 
English lower classes never go to a theatre. The 
people crowd into the open spaces to drink, dance 
and lie about. The more furious fight, and wind 
up the fun of this national holiday by a visit to the 
lock-up. For days the streets are full of stragglers ; 
it is a whole w^eek lost, drowned in beer. Such is 
the result of the philanthropic measure of Sir John 
Lubbock. The police are indulge^nt on these 
days : if every drunkard had to be immured, the 
prisons w^ould have to be enlarged. They only lock 
up the most froward — those who reply with their 
fists to the policeman's recommendation to go 
home. I remember one day seeing from my win- 
dow a policeman take into custody a young woman 
of about eighteen, dead drunk. She was trying to 
bite and kick the poor constable. The mother was 
behind, vociferating imprecations. " Ah ! you rascal ! 
Why can't you leave her alone ? Poor dear ! She 
ain't done nothink : she's drunk, that's all." 

I notice, in the newspapers of the 27th of 
December, 1882, under the title of Holiday Charges^ 
a list of charges for drunkenness the day before. 

Here are the figures : — ' 

Bow Street Police Court . . 33 



Westminster 
Clerkenwell 
Worship Street 
Marylebone 
Lambeth 



45 
43 
52 
70 
104 



(of whom 57 were women.) 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 



95 



Southwark Police Court 


27 


Greenwich " 


. 48 


Hammersmith " 


26 


West Ham " 


. 36 


Hampstead " 


62 


Highgate ** 


30 


Woolwich " 


. 56 



This list does not contain the names of all the 
police-courts, and, I repeat it, only the most furious 
are incarcerated on Bank-holidays. 



XIII. 

John Buirs Cookery — Dinners — A Tea Party — Tea 
or Coffee ? 

The cookery of John Bull leaves much to be 
desired. In this country — it was Voltaire who said 
it — there are fifty different religions, but only one 
sauce. Do not fancy, however, that John does 
not like nice things. When he is in Paris, can't 
he ferret out the good corners, that's all ! But 
then that is quite another matter. In Paris he has 
no need to make a parade of goodness, while in 
London he is obliged to. In England, he goes to 
church ; in Paris, he goes to Mabille. Of course 
it is perfectly understood that it is only to look on, 
and to be able to describe to his wife when he 
returns home how wicked those dreadful French- 
men are. 

In the aristocratic households, and in the princi- 
pal clubs, French cooks are kept, and the table is 
excellent. 

In an ordinary middle- class family, the Sunday 
dinner consists of a large joint of about ten pounds 
weight, and excellent in quality, I must say, for 
English meat is superior to any. It is accompanied 
by boiled potatoes and other vegetables. A few 
families of free-thinking tendencies with regard to 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 9/ 

matters of routine, commence the repast with a 
pokige au poivre ; but they are not yet very numerous. 
This Sunday joint is partaken of cold on Mondays, 
and in the form of a pudding on Tuesdays, with 
the same vegetables. Vegetables, as a separate 
course, have yet to be known. Asparagus, young 
green peas even, are plainly boiled and eaten with 
the meat, and badly boiled, as a rule ; they have 
to be crunched rather than eaten. Asparagus with 
white sauce or in salad, spinach or peas au sucre^ 
even fried potatoes, that democratic dish, all such 
things would be considered epicurean. Here Puri- 
tanism is carried even as far as to the kitchen. It 
would seem that man had been placed in this world 
to deny himself the good things that the Creator 
put in it. 

In Scotland, things are still worse. Walter Scott 
relates that, when a child, he one day took the 
liberty of exclaim. ing before his father : ^' Oh ! how 
nice the soup is ! " The Puritan parent forthwith 
ordered a pint of cold water to be added to it. 

The head of the family says grace before and 
after the repast. In low-church or dissenting 
families, the father repeats grace for one or two 
minutes. He does this to remind you that you 
are not at table to enjoy yourself, and you soon 
find out that he is right. Everyone is motionless 
and silent. If you venture a remark, you receive 
monosyllabic replies. You are asked if you will 
take a little more beef, and you reply : "No, thank 
you," or "If you please, but only a very small 
piece." Of these two alternatives you had better 
choose the first, it is the more proper. If you are 
7 



98 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

asked, as you certainly will be, "Have you been 
long in England?" and "How do you like it?" 
be sure and say exactly how long you have been 
over, and that you like England very much. Do 
not venture into details, that would be a conver- 
sation, and nobody would be grateful to you for 
breaking the solemn silence. After you have been 
thus seated at table about an hour, you will be 
seized with a longing to shriek, or to pinch your 
neighbour, to ascertain whether he is alive or only 
pretending. You had better mind, or you would not 
get invited again, which you would regret very much. 

If John dines frugally at home, it is in public 
that you should see him at table. His appetite 
and his epicurism are then revealed to an astonish- 
ing extent. The public dinner is an eminently 
English institution. 

The king of banquets is the one given by the 
Lord Mayor, on the ninth of November, the day of 
his installation at the Guildhall. 

All the City companies, all the clubs, and all the 
societies hold their annual banquets. One of the 
finest London dinners, the most interesting perhaps, 
is that given by the Royal Academy of Painting. 
Politics are excluded. It is the rendezvous of all 
the aristocracy of Nature in England. Cabinet min- 
isters, eminent members of the House of Lords and 
of the House of Commons, conservatives or liberals, 
bishops, generals, judges, scientific and literary men, 
artists, lawyers — every great man of the day is to be 
seen at that table. The Prince of Wales and his 
brothers never fail to honour this banquet with their 
presence. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 99 

These dinners cost fabulous sums of money — from 
five to eight pounds a head. The turtle soup, which 
invariably heads the 77ieriu^ costs a guinea a quart. 
The rest to match. 

At dessert, the loving-cup is passed around, and 
toasts and speeches begin. The English, who have 
been used in the debating societies of the public 
schools and universities, to speaking in public, excel 
in after-dinner speeches, which are sometimes per- 
fect little masterpieces of apropos and humour. 

First come the patriotic toasts : the Queen, the 
Prince of Wales, and the other members of the 
Royal Family ; the army and navy, the Houses of 
Parliament. Then comes the toast of the evening, 
that is to say, that the success of the club or the 
society is drunk, or the health of the principal guest, 
if the dinner is given in honour of some hero of the 
day. 

Ladies are seldom invited to these banquets. 
When they are included, however, the assembly 
breaks up after the toast to the ladies. 

These dinners last from four to five hours. 

When you go to a party, the servant, before show- 
ing you to the drawing-room, conducts you to the 
dining-room, and there asks you whether you take 
tea or coffee. You promptly reply that you take tea. 
The coffee is generally atrocious, simply because no 
one knows how to make it, or will take the trouble 
of making it properly. 

Tea, which is still in France a luxury, costing 
twelve or fifteen francs a pound, is excellent in Eng« 

Lore, 



lOO JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

land for two francs and a half. So the poorest fami- 
lies can indulge in a cup of tea night and morning. 
It is the favourite drink of women, and the cure for 
all ills. ^^Ah! sir," said an old Norman peasant- 
woman to me one day, ^^ my coffee — after the sweet 
Jesus — is my salvation ! " Tea plays the same part 
over here. 

The tea-kettle is, like the pot-au-feu in France, the 
emblem of domestic virtue. 

It is when John drinks his tea very hot in tiny 
sips, nibbling a bit of bread-and-butter or of toast, 
that he is really beautiful and edifying. Nearly all 
the middle-class take tea at five o'clock, and still 
make a meal of it. Better still : John sometimes 
gives what he calls a tea-party, a compound noun 
which I would not attempt to translate into French, 
Then, besides bread-and-butter and toast, the table 
is laid out with preserves, and black dry cakes, very 
much like gingerbread in colour and taste. . The 
old maids are in the seventh heaven. You should 
see them, forcing angelic smiles over tusks an inch 
long, with their eyes chastely cast down, and their 
hands folded on the edge of the table, w^aiting for the 
lady of the house to ask them if they take milk and 
sugar, or if their tea is sweet enough. 

" Is your tea as you like it ? " 

^^ Oh ! very nice, thank you." 

The body remains motionless, bolt upright, the 
head alone turns slightly. 

** Will you not take a little cake ? " 

*' No, thank you, only a tiny piece of bread-and- 
butter." 

At dinner, if conversation flags at every moment^ 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. lOI 

beef and pale ale are there to keep you alive at any 
rate, but with these slops and slices, you have not 
even strength enough to attempt to enliven it. You 
give up the idea at the outset, and it dies in agonies. 
Shelley has described these 

*' . . . . teas 
Where small talk dies in agonies.'* 

It is appalling. 

** . . A party in a parlour, 

Some sipping tea, 
But as you by their faces see, 
All silent, and all damned." 

We must, however, do justice to English hospi- 
tality. You will never be invited to a party, be it 
ever so modest, without being asked to sit down to 
a good supper. When somebody proposed to us, 
young men in Paris, to take us to a ball, we never 
failed to inquire beforehand whether there was a 
supper to be expected. Needless to ask such a 
question in England : cela va sans dire. 

In France, to this very day, and in very good 
houses indeed, the mistress of the house will ask you, 
about one o'clock in the morning, whether you would 
like to take a cup of chocolate ! 

No, we shall never be serious like the English. 



XIV. 

Justice — Juries — Legal Proceedings — The Policeman is not Sacred 
— Love of Pettifogging — A Bill of Costs — ^500 Reward — The 
Shah of Persia at Newgate. 

The English, with their free institutions, do not 
give their magistrates the power of judging them. 
In all cases, criminal or civil, it is a jury who finds a 
true bill against the prisoner, decides upon his cul- 
pability or innocence,* returns a verdict for plaintiff 
or defendant, and fixes the amount of damages. The 
judge simply interprets the law, and pronounces 
judgment. If, in his summing up, which should be 
a clear and impartial statement of the evidence for 
and against the prisoner, he allows his personal 
opinion to transpire, you should see how the papers 
of the following day are down upon him and take 
him to task. The prisoner becomes the object of 
universal sympathy, and an explosion of public 
opinion seldom fails to immediately obtain for him 
a n^tigation or compensation. We all remember 
the Staunton case : the four prisoners were con- 
demned to death ; but, a few days after, three of 
them had their sentences commuted to penal servi- 

* And there is no condemnation unless the jury all agree upon 
their verdict. If they do not, they are discharged, and the case is 
carried before another jury. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. IO3 

tude, and the fourth was set at liberty without de- 
lay. 

In France, we give almost unlimited arbitrary 
powers to a legion of badly-paid* magistrates, wno 
are for the most part — in the provinces at least — the 
failures of our Bar. I warrant that there are more 
judges in a French town of 50,000 inhabitants than 
in the whole of England. 

There are few countries in which democratic ten- 
dencies are more marked than in France. In spite 
of this, public opinion does not concern itself abcut 
judicial proceedings, because there is no country in 
which authority is less respected, although, strange 
to say, there is not one in which it is more feared 
and more easily submitted to. We seem to accept 
all forms of tyranny in order to shirk all responji- 
bility. Democracy with us chiefly consists in hold- 
ing up to ridicule a despotism, the acts of which we 
in turn approve by holding up to ridicule those who 
are the victims of it. Upon the least suspicion, a 
magistrate may order, on his own responsibility — a 
responsibility, I may add, which no one has a rignt 
to question — he may order, I say, a search or an ar- 
rest in any private house. 

Personal security is differently understood Ly 
other free nations ; the United States for instance. 
Here are two articles from the Statute Book of that 
country : — 

*^ The right which every citizen has to enjoy the 
security of his person, his abode, his papers, and 
effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, 

* About £"^0 a year. 



104 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

shall be inviolable ; no warrant shall be issued ex^ 
cept upon well-founded presumption, corroborated 
upon oath." 

** No person shall be called upon to answer an 
accusation unless a true bill has been found against 
that person by a grand jury." 

In England, a man who is arrested and informed 
of the charge brought against him, says : ** You will 
have to prove it ; " and the inspector at the police 
station tells him : " I must caution you against mak- 
ing any statement. In fact, anything you may say 
will be used in evidence against you." 

If, in France, a man is accused of stealing a watch, 
the juge d' instruction invariably says to him : " The 
best thing you can do is to make a full confession ;" 
or, *^ You are charged with stealing a watch, prove 
that you are innocent." In England, the accused 
person is told: '*You are charged with stealing a 
watch, you have nothing to say, we shall have to 
prove it." Such are the two different manners of 
proceeding. No inquisition in the shape of private 
examination. No prevention — that is to say, that, 
except in grave cases, the prisoner is liberated on 
bail. He appears before a magistrate, in public, the 
very day after his arrest. If he makes a full confes- 
sion, the magistrate advises him to reserve his de- 
fence and to plead not guilty. He is not made to 
undergo any examination, and it is preferred that he 
should not admit his guilt, in order that, by inde- 
pendent evidence, the charge may be brought home 
to him. Besides, it is quite common here to see 
people giving themselves up to justice, and as- 
serting that they have committed some crime. It i^ 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. IO5 

a very frequent mania. When any case of murder 
remains obscured in mystery, all the drunkards take 
it into their heads that they committed it, and they 
go and give themselves up to the police. An in- 
quiry is made, and they are set at liberty. 

The examination of the witnesses is done by coun- 
sel. The judge presides over the proceedings : he 
acts as moderator. The prisoner is quietly seated 
in the dock : he listens ; the poor witnesses pass an 
uncomfortable quarter of an hour in the hands of 
the lawyers. 

In order that the jury may not be influenced by 
the antecedents of the prisoner, if they should be 
bad, no reference to them is permitted.* If he is 
found guilty, a member of the police comes forward 
to prove that the prisoner has already undergone 
several sentences, and then the judge applies the 
full rigour of the law. As to the witnesses, every 
effort is made to show that their evidence is not 
trustworthy. The most incongruous questions are 
put to them. Woe betide them, if there exist any 
page in their past life that they would fain keep se- 
cret ! ** Are you married to the man you live with ? " 
a woman may be asked. ** Are you a faithful wife ? 
Is it not a fact that you are addicted to drinking ? " 
She has to answer all this. There are some who get 
angry over it, and the audience enjoy the fun. 

English judges are chosen from among the shining 
lights of the bar ; they receive enormous emolu- 
ments and are irremovable, two conditions quite in- 

* See Appendix (A). 



I06 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

dispensable to their independence. John Bull pays 
his servants well, but he expects to be well served. 

The era of liberty began with the French Revolu- 
tion nearly a hundred years ago. Since that time, 
Heaven knows how many governments and con- 
stitutions — all imniittahle and perpetual of course — ■ 
France has had. A curious fact, however, well 
worth noticing, when we consider the progress of 
that liberty bought at the price of so many bloody 
revolutions, is the survival of Article 75 of the Con- 
stitution of the Year viii., after three monarchies, 
two empires, and two republics. 

This article, as every one knows, runs thus : *' Gov- 
ernment officials, with the exception of ministers, 
can only be prosecuted for offences having reference 
to the discharge of their duties, by virtue of a 
special decision of the Council of State, and the 
case shall be heard in an ordinary court of justice.'* 

Article 75 of the Constitution of the Year viii. 
ow^es its existence to the most tyrannical spirit of 
the century : it was suggested to Sieyes by the First- 
Consul at the time when the latter was quietly pre- 
paring to entomb the liberties of the country. 

The monarchies that succeeded the first empire 
took good care to preserve an article so invaluable 
to despotism. Before the Revolution, the Govern- 
ment covered the acts of its agents by illegality and 
absolutism ; since the Revolution, it has covered 
them by the law. It is an improvement. 

Thus a Government official can only be prose- 
cuted by virtue of a decision of the Council of State. 
Would not such an appeal be a perfect farce ? Does 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. lO/ 

not the Council of State emanate from the Execu- 
tive Power ? Is it not part and parcel of it ? 

In England, you collar a policeman who has in- 
sulted or touched you, and give him in charge. The 
following day, you appear against him, and if you 
can prove your case he is condemned ; and yet, 
although his little staff constitutes his whole equip- 
ment, he is more respected than our sergent-de-ville 
with all the war materials that he carries about. It 
was not long ago that I saw him with a sword and a 
revolver. 

The following incident occurred in England not 
long ago. Two mounted policemen, who had ar- 
rested a man, were proceeding to a police-station 
with him ; but as he refused to follow, one of them 
alighted from his horse and attached him to the 
saddle. The unfortunate fellow, not being able to 
keep up with the horse, fell and was dragged along 
the road about a length of fifteen yards. The spec- 
tators, indignant, stopped the two policemen, and 
gave them in charge. They were tried and con- 
demned to seven years' penal servitude. 

The English have a love of pettifogging : it is in 
the Norman blood. This peculiar taste is an ex- 
pensive one, especially in England, where, though 
justice is prompt and decisive in criminal matters, 
it is slow and costly in civil ones. A barrister of 
the least reputation will not put on his wig for less 
than ^j2o. A Queen's counsel demands fabulous 
fees. The solicitor, the general lawyer, does the 
work of our notaires^ avouds and huissiers ; he can 



I08 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

even plead in the police-courts. His Bills of costs 
are master-pieces in their way. Here is one : — 

s. d. 

1. To receiving a letter from you, and 

reading it ..... 3 6 

2. To writing the answer . . , ^ 6 

3. To hiring a cab . . . . .50 

4. To thinking of your affair in the cab 3 6 

5. To listening to your remarks . , ^ 6 

6. To answering them . . . - 3 ^ 

7. To meeting your father-in-law and 

speaking to him of your affair . 3 6 

One wonders how much a solicitor would charge 
his client for dreaming of his affair. And so the 
seeings, beings^ goings^ thinkings^ &c., at three-and-six 
a piece, cover dozens of pages. 

Judges and barristers still wear the powdered 
wigs with pig-tails of a hundred years ago. " Tel 
rit dun juge en habit court qui tremble au seul aspect (Tun 
procureur en robe. La forme ^ la- a for^ne ! '* says 
Brid'oison, who is not dead yet. 

The English love their old monuments, their 
ancient castles, their time-honoured customs. We 
French people are Vandals, You can, at the present 
time, see the Tower of London, exactly as it stood 
hundreds of years ago ; and the people, who visit 
its dungeons, can see for themselves the progress 
that man has made. In France, no more Bastille^ no 
more Donjon de Vincennes to be seen ! The very 
names of our streets die with each government. 
What a mistake ! I believe that, if every town in 
France had a Waterloo Place and a Sedan Street^ 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. IO9 

the remembrance of the empire would remain en- 
graved on their hearts for a long time to come. 

John Bull executes more criminals than all the 
other European States put together.* Extenuating 
circumstances are not taken into consideration in 
trials for murder. It is sufficient, in England, to be 
convicted of having wilfully taken the life of a per- 
son to forfeit one's life. The law makes no distinc- 
tion between one who has committed murder in a 
moment of passion or jealousy, and one who has 
long premeditated the death of his victim to satisfy 
the basest of cravings. 

'' During my visit to the United States," says M. 
Alexis de Tocqueville, ^' I saw the inhabitants of a 
country, in which a great crime had been com- 
mitted, spontaneously form committees for the 
purpose of bringing the criminal to justice." This 
is all very well, but the occupation of amateur de- 
tective is an ugly one. A criminal may, it is true, 
be an enemy of mankind ; still, one cannot help feel- 
ing pleased to know that there are men who, for a 
consideration, will willingly track, arrest, condemn, 
and hang him. In England, when the perpetrator 
of a crime cannot be found, the police have the walls 
of a town covered w^th placards, offering a reward 
of 100, 200, 500 pounds sterling, according to the 
gravity of the crime, to whoever will give such in- 
formation as shall lead to the apprehension and 
conviction of the criminal. The plan often succeeds, 
especially in Ireland, among the Fenians. An ac- 



* See Appendix B. 



no JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

complice often obtains his own pardon by denounc- 
ing his confederates ; the approver has always played 
an important part in the history of crime in Ireland. 

Hanging gives instantaneous death, and causes no 
suffering, say the English. This may be ; but the 
rope often breaks, and I have known Marwood to 
bungle over his work more than once. He has had 
practice enough ; he ought to know the ropes by 
this time. 

A propos of hanging : 

Whilst the Shah of Persia was on a visit to Eng- 
land, he wanted to see how the English executed 
their criminals. The sight of torture is a favourite 
entertainment of Eastern monarchs. Accompanied 
by a numerous suite, he went to Newgate, the Lon- 
don Roquette. Great was his disappointment upon 
hearing that the rope gave instantaneous death. 
Hov\/-ever, he decided upon seeing how the apparatus 
w^orked, and desired the governor of the prison to 
be good enough to execute a criminal on the spot. 
It was represented to him that there were no 
criminals lying under sentence of death just then. 
He was about to lose his temper, when, recollecting 
himself, he cried, '' That's no objection ; I will let 
you have one of my suite. " 

The London folks have not forgotten it yet. 



XV. 

Duels— A sensible Duel — Polygamy — A good, charitable, Christian 
Polygamist — Different ways of looking at a question — Black- 
mail levied in parks and streets — The Thief's Eldorado. 

In England, a duellist who had killed his adversary- 
would be tried for murder ; if he had wounded him 
only, he would be tried for attempt to murder. The 
Englishman regards that man as eminently ridiculous 
who, after being insulted, asks for six inches of cold 
steel through the body as compensation. In the 
lower classes, an insulted man pays his insulter cash 
in the form of one of those blows such as John Bull 
alone knows how to administer. The men of the 
better classes carry their complaint to the law-courts 
and get damages awarded them. There is sense in 
that. As I write, a sculptor has just been condemned 
to pay a brother sculptor ^^5,000 for having said of 
him in a newspaper that he was not the author of 
all the works that he had given to the world as his 
own. Our great duellists would only be pitiful 
heroes at the Central Criminal Court here in Eng- 
land. 

There is nothing like a good fine of a few thou- 
sands of francs to strip a man of that halo of chivalry 
and romance that a sword in the hand surrounds him 
with. The duel is treated seriously in France, where, 



112 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

for that very reason, it is not likely to die out just 
directly. 

For my part, this is how I understand duelling ; 
** Sir," wrote a German journalist to a Russian one 
a short time ago, ''your article upon German women 
is infamous. I deeply regret that the distance which 
separates us prevents my boxing your ears as you 
deserve, but I beg you to take the will for the deed, 
and to consider yourself well and duly cuffed, by 
your humble and obedient sei'vant." — The Russian 
replied by return of post: ^^Sir, just at the time 
when you were cuffing me, the happy idea of draw- 
ing a revolver from my pocket and blowing your 
brains out on the spot occurred to me : I therefore 
beg you to consider yourself as quite dead and duly 
buried. Your very humble and obedient servant." 

The polygamist, who is punished in France with 
from five to ten years' penal servitude, gets off with 
a lew months' imprisonment in England ; indeed he 
is oftenest acquitted. In this country, where deser- 
tion is so frequent in married life, where marriage 
is so easy, and the registre de VEtat civil is unknown, 
the accused persons can always, with good chance of 
success, plead the departure of the spouse, and igno- 
rance of his or her existence. People set out for 
Canada, Australia, or New Zealand, maybe get 
wrecked ; or if they ever arrive in port, do not give 
any more account of themselves. Such cases are 
happening daily. In France, with our administra- 
tive organisation, a debtor or bankrupt has no chance 
of escape ; in England, you would more easily catch 
a sparrow by the tail. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. II3 

Moreover laws and customs in England encourage 
marriage. Concubinage is rare, except among the 
lower classes ; the formalities of marriage are so 
elementary that it is really not worth while to dis- 
pense with them ; and so, instead of taking a mis- 
tress, a man marries. An Englishman may marry his 
wife's sister without binding himself to anything. 
He takes her to church, presents her to the clergy- 
man as Miss So-and-so, and is married to her. The 
marriage is illegal, and he may marry again as he 
chooses. 

I extract the following lines from an account of 
the cross-examination of a witness by the counsel 
for the defence. 

''A witness," cries Pierre Chopart in the Courier 
de Lyon, *' cheer up, old fellow! Witness! That's 
respectable, at any rate ! " In England, the position 
of a witness is no enviable one, I can assure you. 
Whether you be on the side of plaintiff or defend- 
ant, you will have to submit to a cross-examination 
at the hands of the counsel of the adverse side, and 
you will pass an uncomfortable quarter of an hour. 
See what you think of the following : — 

Counsel. — " You have had more experience of 
women than the accused, I believe.'* 

Witness,— " 1^0:' 

Counsel, — "You got married in 1875, did you 
not ? " 

Witness. — " I decline to answer that question." 

Counsel. — "But you must answer it." 

Witness. — ''Well, then, I think I did." 

Counsel. — '' You niarried Miss Mary Jane E , 

did you not? '* 
'8 



114 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Witness.—''] did." 

Counsel. — " Is she still alive ? '* 

Witness. — "No, she is dead ; (recollecting himself) 
I should say, that is to say .... well, yes^ 
she is still alive." 

Counsel. — " Did you marry in 1879 ^" 

Witness.—" I did." 

Counsel- — "Was the lady's name Miss E. A— — ?'* 

Witness. — " My second wife was my first wife's sis- 
ter ; the marriage was illegal." 

Counsel. — ^^That makes three, does it not? How 
old are you ? " 

Witness, — " Thirty-two." 

Counsel. — " When did your first wife die ? " 

Witness.—'' In 1876." 

Counsel. — "Nevertheless, you married her sister in 
1875?" 

Witness.—" I did." 

Counsel. — "Are these the only women you have 
married ? " 

Witness. — "Yes." 

Counsel. — "Are you quite sure ?" 

Witness. — "Perfectly sure." 

Counsel. — " You tell us that you think the accused 
guilty. How came you to treat him as a friend up 
to the moment of his arrest ? " 

Witness. — " I do not see why one should cease to 
treat a man as a friend because he has committed a 
fault. I would be friendly with a man who had com- 
mitted the greatest crime in the world if by so doing 
I could help him in any way." 

Counsel. — " What ! even if he had married his wife's 
sister, and abandoned her afterwards ?" 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. II 5 

Witness.—" Certainly.'' 

Counsel. — *^You are an excellent Christian, I see. 
Now tell us . . . ." &c. 

I extract the following lines from the newspapers : 

Hammersmith Police Court (2nd March, 1883). — 
A soldier is accused of bigamy. The first witness is 
a policeman who states that on the way to the police- 
station the accused said to him, ^^I did not know I 
had been married a second time. I had been drunk 
for a fortnight, and I did not have the banns pub- 
lished. It was only yesterday I found out that I had 
got married again last Thursday." 

The Magistrate to the Prisoner. — "What have you 
to say ? " 

Prisoner. — "Your worship, I have separated from 
my wife, to whom I allow one and ninepence a week 
by order of my colonel : I am living with another 
woman. The other day, this woman threatened to 
throw all my clothes out in the street if I did not 
marry her. Then we had something to drink to- 
gether, and it seems we went to church and got 
married." 

I read in a case of the same kind the following 
statement {Exeter Western News): — 

The Judge to Witness. — " How is it you were not 
ashamed to go to the altar with a drunken man ? '* 

Witness. — " Well ! my lord, if he hadn't been drunk, 
he wouldn't have gone." 

I know a worthy Englishman who, not long ago, 
married a fourth wife, of whom he is the third hus- 
band ; he is but sixty years old, and may fairly hope 
to make up his half dozen. 

There are very few old bachelors in England. All 



Il6 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the men marry : some for love, some for money, and 
some from a sense of duty. It is a debt they owe to 
society. It is not that they are fond of women, for, 
like Solomon, they generally abuse them. Women 
will never forgive the magnificent Hebrew monarch 
for having spoken ill of their sex, after having mar- 
ried seven hundred of them, and even added to that 
number three hundred concubines. Men, on the 
contrary, consider that, having had so much experi- 
ence, he ought to be the best authority on the subject 

A woman alone is safer in the streets of London 
than an unprotected male. A woman risks having 
her purse stolen ; a man risks more : he risks his 
reputation. He may be stopped by a woman who 
will say to him in an indignant tone : ^* Give me five 
shillings, or I will call a policeman. You have in- 
sulted me!" Or, it may be, a young girl, often a 
little girl, who will come up to you and politely ask 
you to tell her the time. Without suspecting harm, 
you take out your watch and you are immediately 
surrounded by several individuals who rob you, or 
accuse you of having insulted the girL Dreading 
a scandal, you pay rather than be dragged into an 
unpleasant affair. There exist thousands of people 
who live by this kind of highway robbery ; who are 
always on the watch for persons whose respectable 
appearance seems to mark them as easy victims of 
such infernal machinations. I know few men in 
London to w^hom this kind of adventure has not 
happened once at least. The parks and the Thames 
Embankment especially are places that every man 
who values his honour should carefully avoids even 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 11/ 

in broad daylight. Never sit down alone out of 
doors ; never speak to a child of the lower class ; 
and, if ever you should fall into a trap of the kind, 
pay on the spot ; do not hesitate an instant, for the 
police will not help you and the Police Court magis- 
trates, who are the failures of the English Bar, will 
simply say to you : ''I am quite willing to believe 
that you are not guilty, but what did you go into a 
park for?" This is a literal quotation; I heard it 
myself. 

The Englishman does not stroll about. When his 
business is finished, he goes home at a brisk pace, 
and never walks out in the evening. At nightfall, 
the parks and unfrequented places are entirely given 
up to thieves and prostitutes, and the police take no 
notice of it. There still exist in London large 
neighbourhoods into which it would be dangerous 
to venture even at mid-day, unless you were accom- 
panied by detectives. These are curious sights to 
be seen in John Bull's capital, and the Scotland 
Yard authorities will always obligingly provide you 
with two or three guides, if you care to visit them. 

If, in this ants' nest of nearly five millions of souls, 
Scotland Yard took it into its head to stamp out the 
dens of robbers, the number of policemen would have 
to be more than doubled. It is preferred to trust to 
the good sense, wisdom, and economical principles of 
respectable people, who already find the taxes quite 
heavy enough, and prefer to avoid risking them- 
selves in the parks and other public resorts set aside 
as hunting ground for pickpockets and street prosti- 
tutes. 



XVI. 

Decorations — Blue and Yellow Ribbons — The Army — That which 
is admirable in the Plural is despicable in the Singular — 
Uniforms— Volunteers. 

The English are fond of laughing at the great 
number of people wearing orders that are- to be 
met with in France. It is a fact that their name is 
legion. The red ribbon is to be seen occasionally in 
London, but it is not in the least appreciated : those 
who know what it means smile, the rest take this 
bawble for an ornament of some kind or a peculiar 
whim. The Frenchmen, living in England, who 
have^ decorations, do not wear them. There exists 
however no law to forbid their being worn ; in fact, 
in England, you might cover your breast with stars 
and ribbons, dress yourself as a Polish General, a 
Swiss Admiral, or in the shortest of kilts, no one 
would think of following you as a guy. You may 
make yourself ridiculous if you like, but you will 
have no law to fear but tl^p law of common sense, 
no judge to dread but public opinion. 

The subjects of Her Britannic Majesty can only 
accept foreign orders by permission of the Queen, 
and, with the exception of soldiers in uniform, no 
one wears them in the street. As to English orders, 
they are scarcely ever conferred upon any one out- 
side the aristocracy, the army and the diplomatic 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. II9 

circle. Civil servants, learned men, writers, and 
artists scarcely ever get them ; and, with the excep- 
tion of a few sovereigns who are Knights of the 
Most Noble Order of the Garter, there are very few 
foreigners who possess English decorations. 

When I say that there are no decorations to 
be seen in England, I am wrong. More than six 
hundred thousand people, men and women, now 
wear a blue ribbon in their buttonhole. Some are 
drunkards, who have pledged themselves to ab- 
stain from all alcoholic liquors, and others are good 
young men who have solemnly promised never to 
drink anything intoxicating. These people form 
the Blue Ribbon Army. In England, it is desirable 
to be virtuous, if you can ; but w^hether you are or 
not, it is indispensable to appear so, and young 
Englishmen of the middle class, young clerks and 
shopboys, even the urchins of the National Schools, 
are happy to have an occasion to stick a certificate 
of virtue in their buttonholes. Advertisements 
such as the following are to be seen in the papers 
every day : *' A young clerk wanted ; a good 
Christian and a member of the Blue Ribbon Army 
preferred." So the numiber of blue ribbons increases 
every day. I read the following lines in one of the 
principal newspapers : " A new league against 
drunkenness is now being formed in London. The 
members pledge themselves to drink no alcoholic 
liquors except at meals. Their distinctive badge 
will be a yellow ribbon." If these set themselves up 
for heroes, I should like to know w^hat airs the blue 
ribbon folks will be giving themselves. Whatever 
comes of it, good luck to the yellow ribbon ! 



I20 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

England is a martial but not a military nation. 
Her army is not very popular at home, and for very 
good reasons. The officers are gentlemen and well- 
educated men, but the private soldiers do not repre- 
sent the English people in the least. The ranks are 
composed of fine-looking fellows who have enlisted 
in order to lead an easy life, and wear a scarlet uni- 
form that will make them the darlings of the sex 
who will look at no other man while they are near. 

The love of John Bull for his soldiers is somewhat 
curious. He gives them ovations, showers decora- 
tions on their heads when they return home after 
rounding off his estate ; but, if he goes to a public 
place of entertainmentj and meets a soldier there, 
away he hurries, exclaiming : ** This place is not re- 
spectable : soldiers are admitted." In the singular 
the warrior loses all his prestige. So he who admires 
hair in the mass on the head of a lovely woman, 
would make a wry face if he happened upon one in 
his soup, even though it had strayed from the tresses 
of this beloved one. 

Uniforms, so popular in France, are scarcely known 
in England. Prefects, mayors, engineers, civil ser- 
vants, government clerks, drivers, conductors, un- 
dertakers even, all have their uniform. Here, unless 
you go to soldiers' barracks or to a review, you will 
always see officers in private dress. Only non- 
commissioned officers and private soldiers go about 
in uniform, and even they are forbidden to carry 
arms. The drivers and conductors of omnibuses wear 
ordinary hats and coats. The workman wears nei- 
ther blouse nor cap, the uniform of omx proletaires in 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 121 

towTi and country. The form of dress is the same 
in ail classes ; it is only from the degree of dirtiness 
of an Englishman's coat that you can judge to which 
class h^ belongs. 

The most flourishing business in the poorer neigh- 
bourhoods is that of the dealer in second-hand 
clothes. The rich wear their clothes for a week or 
two, then give them to their servants, who wear or 
sell them. After these coats, hats, and shoes have 
changed hands from six to ten times, you will see 
them upon the lower working-classes, who wear them 
until they fall to pieces. If I were not afraid of 
parodying Figaro^ I might say that these people never 
quit their clothes — it is the clothes that quit them. 

Then the beggars pick them up, and cover their 
bodies with them as best they can. Some of those 
befeathered hats might inspire a lyric poet with a 
modern Odyssey. It is a spirit of independence 
and equality which, badly understood, makes the 
poor copy the rich in their dress. It is likewise 
a feeling of pride — well understood, I think — which 
makes the working-classes of France prefer plain, 
but new, clothes. 

With the exception of the boys of Christ's 
Hospital, who still wear the same costume as the 
students in Edward VI. 's time (yellow stockings 
and dark blue cassock), English schoolboys have 
no uniform, except for athletic games, when it 
becomes necessary for them in the lists to be dis- 
tinguished from the opponents to whom they have 
sent a challenge. 

Besides the regular army, the reserves, and the 



122 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

militia, Her Majesty could rely in time of need 
upon the services of 400,000 Volunteers. These 
warriors — very inoffensive, I may venture to say — 
are for the most part young city men and bankers* 
clerks, happy to have an opportunity of leaving 
their desks two or three times a year to go and 
breathe some fresh country air. They can never 
be called upon to serve outside the territory of the 
British Isles ; and as, in England, sunstrokes are 
not to be feared, they are all pretty sure to end 
their existence comfortably in their beds. The Life 
Insurance companies have in their prospectuses a 
paragraph concerning them which I think a little 
bit sarcastic : — **The premium of insurance is fixed at 
so much. This premium does not apply to military 
men, sailors, or any person whose occupation places 
his or her life in danger. Volunteers pay the ordinary 
premium.'^ 



XVII. 

The English and French Languages — Mutual Loans — Unmention- 
ables — English Schoolboys. 

The English do not speak foreign languages flu- 
ently : but the fault lies with themselves. 

Their dignity is the object of their constant care. 
Ever fearful of compromising it, they will not place 
themselves at a disadvantage by speaking a foreign 
language, when there is chance to speak their own. 
I know a great many Englishmen who speak 
French exceedingly well, but who infinitely prefer 
speaking English, even with French people, who 
murder their language. They have an idea that 
a man is always more or less ridiculous when he 
is speaking a language not his own .... and 
they naturally prefer that that man should be you. 

It is useless to tell them: "Go on ; do not be 
afraid. What can it matter to you that people 
should discover your nationality, when you speak 
French ? You are English, and you are right to 
be proud of it; why fear to let it be seen?" A 
celebrated man has said: "Never place your 
confidence in an Englishman who speaks French 
without an accent." This celebrated man is no less 
a person than Prince Von Bismarck. 

On the other hand, an Englishman knows very 



124 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

well that go where he will, he is sure to find a 
Hotel cP Angleterre or an Hotel de Londres^ and, if 
his purse will allow of it, he will take care not 
to put up at any other. If he has to work for his 
living, he knows that the English language will be 
quite sufficient for him, in England or in the 
colonies. For that matter this is a sentiment shared 
by his neighbours across the Channel. In every 
country that is capable of providing for its children, 
you see a certain amount of indifference regarding 
the study of foreign languages. It is not so in 
Germany, and some other countries, where a 
knowledge of French and English is necessary to 
those who would earn their living. I do not speak 
of Switzerland, which has two maternal languages. 
It is difficult to persuade an Englishman that it is 
something more than a mere accomplishment that 
he is acquiring when he studies a foreign language. 
It must be admitted, too, that he has natural diffi- 
culties to contend with. French vowels are bold 
and well marked ; English ones are uncertain. The 
Englishman never lays stress enough upon our 
jonics ; he will always pronounce our word plaisir 
more or less like J^laisiar, In school, he is noJt. taught 
to speak French ; he is made to translate Te7e- 
maque^ the works of Rollin and Barthelemy, or 
those famous selections of Contes a do7'mir debout, 
such as have almost driven mad generations of pro- 
fessors and pupils in French schools. He is likewise 
made to read the Roman de la Rose, nay, even the 
Chanson de Roland j but if you asked an English 
schoolboy to give you the French for " How do 
you do ? " you would greatly puzzle him. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 125 

Almost all the young girls speak French passably 
when they leave their schools, where resident French 
governesses speak their language to them all day 
long. Besides, in the Englishwoman, as in the 
woman of every known country of the globe, the 
hypoglossis is more pliant than in man ; it is a more 
powerful and better perfected mechanism. Man 
will never be able to compete with w^oman in the 
study of tongues. 

I once remarked to the head-master of a large 
school, speaking of one of his pupils : ** You have a 
boy there that ought to speak French very well, if 
he will but take the trouble : his pronunciation is 
capital.'' " Oh ! I do not doubt it," he replied ; ^* he 
is full of affectation." 

In France, we call every man monsieur^ no matter 
what his nationality may be. Not so the English- 
man ; he does not apply his word mister to strangers ; 
he believes he does honour to the French, the Ger- 
mans, and the Italians, by giving them the titles of 
mo7isteur, herr^ signor. In an account of a concert 
you will read such paragraphs as the following : *^The 
trio was admirably played by Herr Joachim, Signor 
Piatti, and Monsieur d'Almaine." 

Monsieur is a word that the English invariably 
pronounce very badly, in spite of constant efforts, 
for which they deserve credit. In England, you will 
always hear yourself called mossoo, 77iossiay^ mochoo^ 
inochiay^ or mounzier^ and you should take it as a com- 
pliment, because it is really intended as such by 
John : monsieur is but a corruption of monseign-eur ; 
so, you see, it is almost as if he called you my lord. 



126 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

The English language is constantly getting en- 
riched with French words. Ought I really to say 
enriched'^ It seems to me that, on the contrary, a 
language is impoverished by borrowing, not words 
alone, but whole phrases from a foreign one. 

Neologism has invaded literature, journalism, and 
conversation. In certain novels this craze is carried 
to a ridiculous point. In the last century, after the 
victories of Blenheim and Malplaquet, Addison lifted 
his voice against this irruption of French w^ords, and 
asked that the law should interdict the use of them. 
Purists begin to be once more alarmed. 

In France, during the past century, it is true we 
have borrowed some words applying to political 
economy, sport, manufacture, and navigation es- 
pecially ; but they are only w^ords, and w^ords of 
which the greater number had previously been bor- 
rowed of us by our neighbours, such as budget^ tun- 
nel, jockey, jury, fashion, &c., that the English had 
themselves made out of bougette, tonnel (tonneau), jac- 
quet, jure\ faco7i, &c. 

The English language of the present day borrows 
entire phrases from our own : a outrance, par excel- 
lence, hors de combat, and hundreds of others. 

French fashions have quite taken root o^er here, 
and have brought a vocabulary of their own with 
them. Besides, Englishwomen, who are much more 
easily shocked by the name of a thing than by the 
thing itself, have been very happy in avoiding the 
English nam.es of certain more or less unmentiona- 
ble parts of their dress. The words chemise, corset^ 
corsage, veste, tournure, &c., are all English w^ords now. 
Indispensable pieces of bed-room furniture are aU 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 127 

called by their French names. These foreign words 
just suit the euphemistic character of the English 
language, which always expresses less than it leaves 
to be guessed ; which employs undecided words^ 
%nd always beats about the bush. 

A French schoolboy who has not prepared his 
lessons, will say to his master : " I have not done 
my lessons, sir." To appease the master's wrath, 
he may shed one or two crocodile's tears ; the young 
English schoolboy will employ circumlocution. 
** Please, sir, I am afraid I have- not learnt my les- 
son," or, *^I don't think I have learnt my lesson;" 
he is seldom very sure. If he is quite certain, and 
has a valid excuse, he has more assurance. '^ Please, 
sir," said a little fellow to a professor of my acquain- 
tance one day, "I have not prepared my translation ; 
Grandmamma died last night." ** Well, I suppose 
you must be excused this time, but tell your grand- 
mother not to let it happen again," replied the mas- 
ter. Another time an exercise full of barbarisms 
and solecisms was presented. " The w^ork you have 
brought me this morning is shameful," said my 
friend. ^* It isn't my fault, sir ; papa always wi'll 
help me," pleaded the pupil. 

One of the most eminent professors of French in 
England told me one day that there is a certain 
class of students incapable of learning our language. 
They are the sneaks, the tartufes, the children of 
puritan people, who at home never speak above a 
whisper. Our language, so frank and outspol^en in 
tone as well as expression, sticks in their throats, 
and will not pass those teeth that are never unclosed, 
or those lips that open with difficulty : undecided, 



128 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

vague, sticky phrases suit them best : phrases such 
as only the English language admits. ^*When I am 
going to examine a class," he said to me, " I run my 
eyes along over the pupils' faces and discover at a 
glance those that will give me good answers — those 
who will reply in French if I ask them ; they have 
good open faces that do not shun your gaze. Those 
that look askance, squinting and looking ill at ease, 
you will get no French out of, take it for granted." 

The English language is composed of about 43,- 
000 words, of which 29,000 are of Latin origin and 
14,000 of Teutonic extraction. The greater part of 
the Latin ones passed into the English language 
through the Norman dialect. This being so, the 
French language ought to be easier for the English 
than for the Germans ; yet the latter speak it much 
better than they. 

An impetus should be given to the improvement 
of the teaching of French in England. The two 
most free and intelligent nations in the world, al- 
ready united by so many links of race and language, 
ought to understand and study each other better. 
It may fairly be hoped that these two nations, who 
already respect each other, will, at no distant future, 
change that respect into a love to be shaken by no 
calumny, by no earthly power. 



XVIII. 

The French Colony — French Societies. 

There are about thirty thousand French people es- 
tablished in England, and the number is increasing 
every day. 

Twenty years ago — not more — our compatriots 
living in this great city knew little or nothing of 
one another. 

It was sufficient to announce yourself as French 
to have the door of the French Embassy closed in 
your face. 

Every man is more or less wary in a foreign land. 
When he is on the Continent, the Englishman shuns 
his compatriots ; at least he does not seek their ac- 
quaintance. ^^Who are they at home? "he says to 
himself. 

This feeling no longer exists in London among the 
French colony, now large, industrious, compact, and 
united. 

Besides the French Benevolent Society, the French 
Hospital, i id several associations of more or less 
importance, in 1880 there was founded in London a 
French National Society, reckoning at the present 
time nearly a thousand members. 

I extract the following from its statutes : — 

** The growing importance of the French colony 
9 



130 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

in London, the large interests represented by it, have 
created the desire for an organisation capable of 
uniting its various elements and binding them to- 
gether into a compact whole, and of keeping alive 
among its members the exalted sentiments of patriot- 
ism and humanity. 

*^ I. A society for the benefit of the French resid- 
ing in England has been formed and denominated 
the ^Societe Nationale Francaise/ 

*^ IL Its special aim is to create relations of esteem 
and friendship among its members by giving them 
facilities for becoming known to each other ; and its 
general aim is to defend the interest of the colony 
and to study philosophical and moral questions. 

**IIL In order to facilitate intercourse between 
those members whose tastes or occupations are simi- 
lar, three sections have been formed :— 

** I. A commercial section for the study of com- 
mercial questions. 

'^ 2. A scientific and literary section for the study 
of the progress of science and literature. 

*^3. An artistic section concerning itself with the 
fine arts, and able to give a special attraction to the 
general meetings of the society by the help of the 
talent which some of its members may possess.** 

This society is destined to render very great ser- 
vice. What cannot be done individually can be done 
collectively. 

Material interests will not be the only ones pro- 
tected by this association. The French National 
Society will keep alive in the hearts of alj its mem- 
bers the love and remembrance of the mother-coun- 
try, too soon forgotten in this land where every one 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 131 

lives for himself and to himself. The French Na- 
tional Society gives frequent entertainments, some- 
times a ball, at other times a concert or a dramatic 
performance. These social gatherings make those 
who join in them forget that they are in exile, an 
exile none the less sad for being voluntary. They 
are in France once more in the spirit. 

Let us hope, however, that they will not be too 
exclusive, but that they will continue to study our 
good neighbours, the English. Many French people 
in England carry their horror of everything English 
to a ridiculous extent. I know one v/ho has lived 
nearly twenty years in this country, but who boasts 
of not knowing a word of English. I know others 
who, on the contrary, delight in disparaging our dear 
country whenever they have an occasion ; who have 
altered their names to make them appear more Eng- 
lish, and whose only regret is that they have not red 
whiskers. 

Both courses are equally to be avoided. 

The mission of the French who live in England is 
a double one : it should be theirs to make France 
known to the English, who, with the exception of 
some who travel, know it not ; they have also to make 
us better acquainted with England, hitherto a closed 
letter for us. 

Now, listen well : I will tell you what the Standard 
Geographies teach English boys and girls about us. 

France (Character), — " In France, the tradesmen 
leave the management of their business to their 
wives, while they themselves are at cafes^ prome- 
nades, or other places of amusement. . . ." *^ Licen- 
tiousness is a prominent characteristic of the nation. 



132 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Every third mother is unmarried, and every third 
child has a stain on his birth." * 

Upon the principle that everything which is 
printed must be true, children swallow all these in- 
congruities like so much gospel ; it is with such 
materials that their heads are stuffed. This is the 
result : I extracted the following from the essay of 
a National School child, which an examiner had the 
indiscretion to show me. I keep the style intact * 
'' English trade is honest, but French is far from 
being so. . . . The depredations committed every 
night on our coasts by French corsairs compel us 
to keep, at a great expense, a whole army of coast- 
guards." 

We are not much farther advanced in France. A 
compatriot, to whom I had spoken of a young Eng- 
lish aristocrat who was going to settle in Australia, 
wrote to me one day : ^' What? he is going to settle 
in Australia! Can it be possible? Going to live 
with savages ! " 

M. Blanchard de Farges, French Consul-General 
in London, in a very clever speech that he made at 
the Congress of French teachers, held in the month 
of January, 1883, expressed himself in these terms : 

* This quotation, I will admit, must have taken away the breath 
of many an English reader of my book. I think, however, that two 
English papers, including the Daily N'ews, might as well have taken 
it for granted that I was giving a faithful quotation, instead of in- 
sinuating that it was more or less a fabrication of my brain. The 
first part of the quotation is to be found in Cornwall's Geography, 
and the second in Mackay's. These books have run through over 
a hundred editions, and are in use everywhere. I feel convinced 
that, in exposing such vile teaching, I shall have every fair and 
right-minded Englishman on my side. — Max O'Rell. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. I33 

*' Gentlemen, I will not allow myself to be drawn 
into the subject of politics, which would be out of 
place here, and which are neither to my taste, nor 
exactly within my province ; but I will say, or, 
rather, I will repeat, without quitting my own de- 
partment, that if we knew all our European neigh- 
bours as well as we are known to them, we should 
spare ourselves many disappointments, or, at least, 
many a false step. It is a fact of which I receive 
ample proof every day, and, if it will not be tres- 
passing upon your time, I will, with your permis- 
sion, explain my meaning. 

*' Gentlemen, every French mail brings me dozens 
of business letters. These letters sometimes drive 
me to despair, because, though I have every desire 
to give satisfaction to their authors, they themselves 
put it out of my power to do so by calling upon me 
to perform impossibilities, which prove on the part 
of most of them an utter ignorance of England, her 
institutions, and customs. Some ask me to use my 
private authority, and take vigorous proceedings 
against a defaulting debtor or a swindler ; others 
call upon me to restore a missing wife, husband, 
daughter or son, just as if I had a brigade of police- 
men at hand to collar them, and put them on board 
the French boat by force, without any more ado. 
The greater number set me the task of finding out, 
in this great maze that we live in, a certain person 
whose name they are kind enough to give me. In 
this way, a provincial town councillor appealed to 
me a short while ago, to inform him what had be- 
come of a certain Miss Gordon of the United-King- 
dom, whom he had had the extreme pleasure of 



134 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

meeting at the seaside. In the same manner, a 
worthy family lately asked me to give them some 
news of a missing member who, said they, *^ had en- 
listed in my army, and was serving in the colonies 

n:e-irlandaises, '* 

The French National Society has given rise to 
another Society no less useful ; I mean the National 
Society of French teachers in England. The pro- 
fessors of French language and literature 'in the 
Universities and great Public Schools are men of 
high attainments ; but outside these great institu- 
tions are to be found numbers of talented teachers, 
who, through not occupying positions that bring 
them into notice, have the mortification of seeing 
themselves confounded with hundreds of impostors 
of all nations, not excepting France, who call them- 
selves teachers of French. 

A clever young professor in London had the happy 
and patriotic idea of grouping together all the French 
teachers really worthy of the name, and of forming 
an association having for aim, firstly, to develop and 
improve the teaching of French, and to spread a 
knowledge of the language in England : and secondly, 
to establish a fund for providing aged and infirm 
members with pecuniary assistance and pensions. 
Our great Victor Hugo is Honorary President of this 
young Society, and the names of our savants and 
most illustrious literary men are to be found on the 
list of its Honorary Committee. An English Hon- 
orary Committee is in process of formation, and 
everything seems to promise a brilliant future foif 
this interesting association. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 135 

Although all the needs of the French colony would 
appear at first sight to be satisfied, there is still an- 
other which makes itself felt : it is the want of a 
French lycee. Our compatriots in London are ob- 
liged to send their children to English schools. Many 
of them have married English women, and the hy- 
brid issue of these marriages is all but lost to France, 
and even incapable for the most part of speaking 
French. Parents begin to feel concerned about this 
state of things, and think that a lycee, combining the 
advantages of a French education and English train- 
ing, would respond to a need which is felt more and 
more every day. 

In short, confidence is restored, patriotism has 
shaken off its lethargy, and the French Colony in 
England, which increases every year in number and 
importance, will ere long be a little power capable 
of playing a part of the first order, to the profit of 
both France and England. 



XIX. 

The Theatre of Shakespeare's Countiy in the Nineteenth Century--^ 
Drury Lane— Surrey Theatre — John Shaw and eleven French- 
men at Waterloo — Lyceum Theatre — Madame Modjeska and 
Madame Sarah Bernhardt — Mrs. Langtry and the Yankees. 

The theatre of England has fallen during the nine- 
teenth century as low as it was possible for it to fall. 
How is this to be accounted for in a country that 
has produced a Shakespeare, and which boasts such 
a galaxy of good poets and novelists ? 

The fault lies a little with the audience, who, if 
they are judges of dramatic art, do not show it in 
public. It would be bad form to applaud in a the- 
atre, and worse still to hiss. I have heard actors 
sing horribly out of tune without a murmur being 
raised by the audience. John Bull pities the poor 
artiste who endeavours to amuse him, but fails in 
his efforts ; and, being of a magnanimous turn of 
mind, he forgives him. 

He does not identify himself with the action of the 
play : he does not forget that it is but a play. The 
actor who sings with taste, and throws himself with 
passion into his part, appears to him supremely 
ridiculous. He regards him as a poor mountebank 
who has to earn a living and 

"... pour le servir, abjure son cxur cThomme.'* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 3/ 

In Italy, I have known an audience correct a tenor, 
and give him the right note when he sang flat. 

The English lower classes know nothing of the 
theatre, and never go to the play. In this country, 
you do not hear workmen singing or whistling airs 
from the operas, as do our workmen, who all have 
their favourite actors on the Boulevards. The lower 
orders work, spend their money in beer and gin, and 
die in the workhouse or the gutter, without ever 
having dreamed of the existence of art. The middle 
classes have no taste for the theatre, and the aristo- 
cracy only go to kill an evening and yawn their 
heads off. Intelligent people stay at home. 

Besides, theatres are private enterprises, and re- 
ceive no subvention from the State. The proprietor, 
who is generally the principal actor of the company, 
receives little or no support from the others. Even 
in the best theatres the two principal characters are 
good or passable ; the rest are worthless. There is 
no school of declamation, nothing corresponding to 
our Conservatoire. An actor in this country serves 
his apprenticeship before an uncomplaining public. 

The result of all this is that literary celebrities do 
not seek to be famous as playwrights. Alfred 
Tennyson, the English poet-laureate, has written a 
drama and two comedies, but they only met with a 
succes d'estime. 

Actors know best what the public like. They 
generally give them plays of their own manufacture, 
w^hich are for the most part translations of French 
ones. All our plays reappear here mutilated ; and 
in what a state, to be sure ! Adapted from the French 
to suit English taste I What taste ! What adaptations \ 



138 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Some are original. Would you like to see with 
what sort of bait John Bull is caught ? I extract 
from the newspapers of the month of October, 1882, 
the following Drury Lane advertisement. The name 
of the play is ^^ Pluck " : — 

"69TH Performance of Pluck. 

'^ Pluck — Genuine Fun. 
*' Pluck — Thrilling Scenes. 
" Pluck — Loudest Joy. 
** Pluck — Saddest Grief. 
^^ Pluck — ever witnessed. 
" Pluck — in three hours. 

^^6gTB. Performance of Pluck. 

*^ Return of Augustus Harris, the greatest Actor 

— Author — Manager, since the days of 

David Garrick. 

*^69TH Performance of Pluck. 

*^ Gigantic Success. 

'^ One hundred thunders of applause. 

'^Two hundred roars of laughter. 

" Marvellous effects. 

" The greatest success of the season." 

All this is literal. It is not all either. This gentle- 
man thus appeals through the papers to the British 
public, whom he caters for, and has taken the meas- 
ure of, I must say : '^ Let every man — good or wicked, 
every woman — virtuous or otherwise, fallen even, 
come and see my play. Instead of following in the 
steps of those who have made thieves and cut-throats 
sentimental heroes who die ' babbling of green fields/ 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 39 

I have shown how, even in this world, crime, treach- 
ery, and falsehood, although triumphant for a time, 
must in the long run have their day of reckoning. 
I shall endeavour in the future, as I have in the 
past, to prove worthy of the great trust and respon- 
sibility reposed by you in me. Under my direction, 
Drury Lane Theatre, the National Theatre par ex- 
cellence^ will ever be a school of morality.*' 

All this beats Eno's Fruit Salt. 

In this single play, there are besides assassinations 
and robberies, a railway accident, a fire, a storm, 
and the sacking of a bank, the windows of which 
are smashed to atoms. 

Good Mr. Augustus ! Lucky spectators ! 

Is it not sickening ? 

I will content myself with giving you one more 
of the kind : it is the advertisement of the Surrey 
Theatre, a second-class house. 

** Surrey Theatre, — Seven acts of realism. — Five 
thousand persons had to be refused admittance on 
Saturday last; the omnibuses had to stop on account 
of the vast multitude that were turned away. Those 
who were fortunate enough to obtain seats, gazed in 
breathless excitement at unparalleled scenes. Horror 
and delight were alternately written on their coun- 
tenances. Never was virtue more triumphant, never 
was vice more confounded than in this vast theatre/* 

A little farther on you read : **The most inhuman, 
simious, horrible, blood-curdling, terrible, savage, 
weird, fantastic, human, unearthly, fiendish, fasci- 



I40 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

nating, repulsive, and attractive play, ever produced 
or ever imagined. — To commence at half-past seven 
precisely." 

In a grand spectacular play entitled ** Waterloo'' 
I saw the famous John Shaw killing his eleven 
Frenchmen. The complaisance with which those 
eleven unhappy lancers advanced one after another 
to be exterminated by the terrible Life-guardsman 
deserved a better reward. 

However, there are some serious theatres in 
London. During the season, that is to say from 
April to August, the best musical talent in the 
world is to be heard in Covent Garden and Drury 
Lane, where the works of the greatest composers of 
foreign opera are given. 

The only English theatre really worthy of note is 
the Lyceum, Mr. Henry Irving is a talented actor, 
who studies his parts conscientiously. He is very 
good in drama, and, though the English Press have 
been rather severe at times in their criticisms of 
his Shakespearean impersonations, he must never- 
theless be acknowledged to hold the first place upon 
the English stage, and to be the only successor of 
Garrick, Kean, Kemble and Macready. 

In England, there is no national theatre corre- 
sponding to our Thedtre-Francais ; nor is the want 
of such a house felt. Shakespeare's plays are the 
only ones that would be available for its repertory. 
The theatre of the Restoration is coarse, and most 
plays written by the dramatists of that time are 
founded upon comedies of Moliere : Wycherley, 
Congreve, and Farquhar only wrote for the licen-- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 14I 

tious mistresses of Charles II., and the people of 
the nineteenth century, still so puritan, would have 
to stop their ears. 

Sheridan, it is true, wrote two remarkable come- 
dies : ** The School for ScandaV and ^' The Rivals ;'* 
but no more. 

It is a strange and remarkable fact, even for this 
country of contrasts, to have produced a Shake- 
speare and to have the national repertory begin and 
end with his creations : Shakespeare, the king of 
poets, inimitable, unapproachable, a sort of demi- 
god — and after him utter sterility ! " Indian Empire, 
or no Indian Empire," says Carlyle, "we cannot 
do without Shakespeare ! Indian Empire will go, 
at any rate some day ; but this Shakespeare does not 
go ; he lasts for ever with us ; we cannot give up 
our Shakespeare.'* 

For the past three years, our excelleni actors of 
the Comedie Fran^aise have given performances at 
the Gaiety Theatre during the month of June. 

Society flocks to hear them. It is very much to 
be doubted whether John Bull is capable of appre- 
ciating our Coquelin. But that does not matter 
at all. When John has paid his guinea, he enjoys 
himself, even if he does not understand a word, as 
the following anecdotes wilLprove. 

Madame Modjeska, a Polish actress, who has 
successfully played several of her principal roles in 
English at the Haymarket and Court Theatres, had 
been asked to play in a large London drawing-room. 
She was besought to recite a poem in her own lan- 
guage. "But," said she, "you will not understand 



142 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

me, and I like to be understood/' The company in- 
sisted so much that she at last yielded, and, striking 
a tragic posture, recited something in Polish. John 
and his guests were lost in admiration. Next day, 
everybody knew that Madame Modjeska had given 
them, as a recitation, the numeral adjectives from one 
to a hundred. 

Madame Sarah Bernhardt made a provincial tour 
a few months ago. The day that she was expected 
to play at Blackpool, she was taken with a severe 
sore throat. She went to the director of the theatre : 
*' I shall not be able to play to-night," she said to 
him; "I have lost my voice." — "What does that 
matter?" said the impresario, who thoroughly un- 
derstood his patrons ; *^ the people want to see you ; 
you need not speak, only gesticulate, they will be 
equally well pleased." — ^' But I am not an exhibi- 
tion ; I am an artiste," replied the celebrated actress 
indignantly. Sarah is obstinate ; to the great disap- 
pointment of the director she neither played nor ex- 
hibited herself. 

Mrs. Langtry, a lady mixing in the highest society, 
and one of the handsomest women in England, which 
is saying a great deal, went on the stage in the early 
part of this present year. After having played or 
rather shown herself to the London public about a 
dozen times, she went^to America. All the Ameri- 
can newspapers agree in saying that she has no talent 
for the stage, but the Yankees flock to see her, and 
pay from ten to fifteen dollars for an orchestra stall. 
The English newspapers have telegrams every day 
giving all particulars of the great financial success 
of her visit. The Prince and Princess of Wales sent 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 143 

her their congratulations. The amusing part of it is, 
that, Avhile Mrs. Langtry draws crowded houses at 
fabulous prices, Madame Adelina Patti, who is also 
in New York, plays to comparatively empty benches. 

The three solemn knocks which, in the Theatre- 
Fran^ais^ precede the rising of the curtain, are un- 
known in England. Here, a polka or a quadrille is 
inflicted on you between each act of Hamlet or 
Othello, On the other hand, you are not annoyed by 
the obsequious attentions of a box opener. Of the 
two evils I prefer the quadrille, inasmuch as it is in- 
cluded in the price of the ticket, and, moreover, you 
can go and smoke your cigar whilst it is being ad- 
ministered to the house. Another good thing about 
English theatres : the intervals only last a few min- 
utes, and at eleven o'clock you can go home to bed ; 
you deserve it. 



XX. 

Pianos — Drawing-room Music — Concerts — Oratorios — Musical 
Festivals. 

In London there is not even a cobbler but has a 
piano in his back parlour. If people lived in apart- 
ments here as they do in Paris, Bedlam, Colney 
Hatch, and all the other madhouses would never 
contain the lunatics that the pianos would send 
them. As it is, everybody has his house, and the 
evil is not so great. 

Every woman, I might say without exception, 
plays the piano ; but in a private room I have never 
heard a lady or a young girl play well enough to af- 
ford pleasure to a serious amateur. They play with- 
out the least expression. One of my compatriots and 
friends, a distinguished professor and composer, who 
teaches this instrument of torture in a great London 
ladies' college, complained one day to the head-mis- 
tress that his pupils played without any feeling or 
expression. ^^ Monsieur," answered the lady with a 
kind smile, ^* I did not engage you to teach senti- 
ment to my young ladies." 

It is the same with singing. You sometimes come 
across pretty voices, but they make no impression 
upon you ; it is nothing but noise. Not a move- 
ment, not a muscle of the face relaxes ; it is a mc 



I 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 145 

chanical action of the vocal chords, a mere physical 
phenomenon. 

I was one evening in a drawing-room. A young 
lady who had travelled in Italy and studied music 
there, was asked to sing. She sang, and indeed with 
a good deal of taste, the pretty song by Arthur Sul- 
livan : '* Let me dream again.'* 

*^That young lady sings very well," I said to a 
lady at my side. 

*' Ye — es," she replied, with a little pout of scorn ; 
•*but how affected she is, rolling her eyes, and put- 
ting her hand to her heart ! All those gesticulations 
are highly ridiculous and very improper. One would 
think she was an actress." 

The English, who know what awaits them in the 
drawing-room, have such an appreciation for cham- 
ber music, that the very sound of the piano is the 
signal for general conversation. When the piece is 
finished, the company leave off talking, and reward 
the amateur with a " Thank you." 

Punchy who knows them, represents He7^r Bogulo- 
buffski in the act of executing a piece on the piano- 
forte. Seeing that everybody is engaged in conver- 
sation, he pauses, and says to the mistress of the 
house : " I hope I am not in the way, and that I do 
not disturb conversation." 

** Oh ! not at all," replies Mrs. Ponsonby de 
Tomkyns ; *^ pray go on." 

Public concerts, on the other hand, are excellent, 
and always well attended. All the greatest singers 
in the world can be heard in London. The orches- 
tra of the Crystal Palace is perfection. The popu- 
lar concerts of classical music at St. Jameses Hall, 



146 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the Richter concerts, those at the Albert Hall, Co- 
vent Garden, the Floral Hall during the season, 
cannot be surpassed. There you can hear Patti, 
Nilsson, Albani, Joachim, Rubinstein, Charles Halle, 
Faure, Nicolini, etc. 

^* J'en passe et des meilleurs." 

John Bull is very attentive at such concerts. He 
listens with all his ears. You wonder why he does 
not listen to Herr Bogulobuffski in Mrs. Ponsonby 
de Tomkyns's drawing-room. The reason is that 
John is charged a guinea or half-a-guinea at these 
public concerts, and that he only really appreciates 
that which he has paid for, and paid for properly. 

The oratorio flourishes in England . it is the 
music for which John Bull shows a predilection. 
He likes these biblical subjects set to music. Look 
at him in his stall (profanation ! I should say in his 
pew) ; he does not move, his eyes are closed, that 
he may hear the better, just as he closes them when 
he listens to a sermon. He is happy ; it looks as if 
he had come to church. The oratorio is for him a 
foretaste of the delights that await him in the next 
world. At the Crystal Palace, he gets his oratorio 
with choruses of five thousand voices. The more 
there are the better he is pleased. ^^ Oh ! " ex- 
claimed an Englishman who sat near me at one of 
these divine services, " the Italians are all very well, 
but for oratorio you must have English singers, you 
know." I am quite of his opinion, just as to make 
pastry you must have paste. 

It is true that some of these oratorios contain 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 147 

splendid passages, and that a great number of them 
were written by such men as Haydn, Handel, Bach, 
and Mendelssohn. But it is a rather curious fact 
that most of them were composed in England by 
these great masters ; perhaps under the influence of 
the spleen ; it is Thames fog set to music. 

An oratorio lasts from three hours to three hours 
and a half. In the country, at the great musical 
festivals of Bristol, Hereford, Leeds, and Birming- 
ham, oratorios are given every day for a whole week, 
beginning with the Creation^ and so on through the 
list : Abraha?7i^ Joseph,^ Elijah^ Judas Maccabceus^ the 
Messiah^ the Martyr of Antioch^ by Arthur Sullivan, 
the English Offenbach, the Passion^ St. Paul, etc., 
etc. The English will not be happy until the whole 
of the Bible is set to music. 

* The indignation, with which Joseph rejects, in B flat, the im- 
pioper propositions of Mrs. Potiphar, is epic ! 



-iB ;.B XXI. 

Journalism — Advertisements — Journalists — The Times — Punch—. 
Liberty of the Press — English Literature — Novels — Artists — 
Gustave Dore. 

London alone possesses three hundred and fifty 
newspapers, about fifty of which are devoted to re- 
ligious questions and news : The Christian^ the 
Christian World, the Christian Herald, the Christian 
Chronicle y the Christian Era, the Christian Review, the 
Christia?t Globe, the Christian Age, the Christian 
Unio7t, the Christian Life, the Catholic World, the Prot- 
estant Ti?nes, the Protestant Standard, the Universe, the 
Baptist, etc. : the vocabulary will soon be exhausted. 
The Daily News, the Standard, and the Daily Tele- 
graph are the papers that you see, in the morning, 
with a few exceptions, in the hands of every English- 
man who can afford this little penny luxury. These 
papers consist of eight large pages of seven or eight 
columns each. Five whole pages are devoted to ad- 
vertisements. The reason is that, in this country, 
everything is obtained by advertising. The Univer- 
sities, the great Institutions, are compelled by their 
statutes to make known through the papers, that 
such and such a chair is vacant. For instance, you 
will see such advertisement as the following :/* Uni-^ 
versity of London, — The chair of Sanskrit is vacant. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 149 

Emoluments so much. The candidates must send in 
their applications, accompanied by testimonials, on 
or before such and such a date." 

Every one advertises for what he wants : profes- 
sors, journalists, authors, governesses, cooks. Even 
lovers appeal, through the papers, to a faithless mis- 
tress or a fickle sweetheart. In order to attr 
tention, the latter advertisements are placed at the 
head of the first column on the first page. I copy 
some of these heart-rending appeals : — '^ A. M. to J. 
C. K. — My darling, do not leave me any longer in 
anxiety. I eat no more ; I sleep no more. What- 
ever has happened, I forgive you, and kiss your 
sweet face. Come." The next is a little bit less 
romantic: **To William F. R. — Why did you not 
keep your appointment with me ? I am dying to 
see you. Send P.O.O. to the same address as be- 
fore." 

The daily papers of which I have just been speak- 
ing are colossal enterprises. The correspondence 
and the telegrams, which sometimes cost fabulous 
sums, are beyond anything of the same kind that 
can be seen on the Continent, where each news- 
paper belongs to a political personage, whose opin- 
ions it represents. The Standard is the organ of the 
Conservative party, the Daily News that of the Lib- 
eral party. But, if the correspondence and the tele- 
grams of these leading English papers are superior 
to those of Parisian papers, the articles are much 
inferior. Nothing is more dull, more devoid of in- 
terest, than the leaders of the great political organs. 

Thanks to the liberty of the Press, journalism is a 
formidable power in England. On the other han^ 



ISO JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the journalist himself is not an authority as he is in 
France. Articles are not signed, and outside the 
fraternity nobody knows, or cares to know, the name 
of a single writer of the Times or any other paper. 

The king of all the newspapers of the universe is 
the Times. Its sixteen pages, eleven of which are 
devoted to advertisements, appear every morning, 
and cost threepence. This paper, the reputation 
and influence of which have been greatly overrated, 
does not belong to any political party. It is a creak- 
ing old weathercock, as a friend of mine called it, 
which one sees every morning throwing its venom 
right and left, to the general terror of continental 
newspapers, which exclaim: *'The Times says this, 
the Times says that." This sheet of advertisements 
and police news, which pretends to know the secrets 
of all the European Cabinets, including those of the 
Maison-Dorce^ has no other aim but money-making ; 
and if it represents any interest at all, it is that of 
the great city bankers. With the exception of the 
Jerome Paturots in search of a social position, who 
pore over the advertisements of the Tifnes in read- 
ing-rooms, the clubs, and other public institutions, 
the great mass of the people does not read this en- 
vious, pedantic, and nagging old journal. 

Punchy the London Charivari^ is a little weekly 
paper, full of fun and humour, showing that it is 
possible to be witty without ceasing to be refined. 
The caricatures are admirable, and the best of them 
is that no mother would think of forbidding her 
daughter to look at them. I open at hazard : — **I 
say, papa, are you still growing ? " says a pretty little 
girl to a papa whose baldness seems to be taking 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 151 

alarming proportions. '^ No, my dear ; why ? " 
** Oh ! because your head is coming through your 
hair ! " Farther on it is a political skit. Lord Bea- 
consfield, then at the head of the Government, has 
got the Sultan of Zanzibar over to London. *^Well, 
now that your Highness has been able to see what a 
civilized nation is like, I hope, on your return to 
your country, you will give orders for the suppres- 
sion of the slave trade." " I shall do my best, my 
friend ; only I must tell you that the Conservative 
party is very strong over there." 

And the caricatures of the great statesmen ! You 
should see how Punch handles them, and uses them 
as stock-in-trade ! In his character of jester, he 
takes all manner of liberties with perfect freedom ; 
his innocent hits are sure to be taken in good part. 

There is no limit put to the liberty of the press 
in this country. Everything is reviewed and criti- 
cised by the papers, and not infrequently in the 
plainest, most violent terms. Sentences too severe 
or too lenient, political and administrative acts, every- 
thing has to pass through the Caudine Forks of a 
severe criticism. There is not a judgment, not a de- 
cision, that need be considered as oracular. Public 
opinion is the supreme court of judicature. I do 
not suppose there was ever a voice raised in Eng- 
land to propose that a restraint should be put upon 
the liberty of the press, which in a free country is 
the correlation of the sovereignty of the people. 

Press offences, properly speaking, there are none. 
Oifences committed through the columns of a news- 
paper are treated as common law offences, and pun- 
ished as such. 



152 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Everybody, in England, can read, and does read. 
The most insignificant village cobbler has a little 
library, or, at least, a few books on the table of his 
modest parlour. We must of course except the 
lower classes of London ; but they are quite a dis- 
tinct population, such as you will find in no other 
part of the country. In France, the labourer's wife 
has her old missal ; but it is in Latin : of what use 
is it to her ? In this country, these worthy people 
all have their Bible, written in a language both sim- 
ple and lofty ; all have read it, and will read it again. 

The absence of books among the middle classes 
of France is striking. Working classes are satisfied 
with reading the nouvelles diverses and the sensational 
novels of the P etit Jour^ial ; it is with such literature 
that our ordinary bourgeois feeds his mind. Every 
Englishman, I repeat, has a library : besides, he gen- 
erally subscribes to a circulating library, which sup- 
plies him, for the sum of a guinea a year, with as 
many novels as he can digest. 

England has produced, during the last three cen- 
turies, a succession of literary monuments that only 
ancient Greece and France are in a position to ad- 
mire without envy. A list of princes indeed. In 
poetry — Chaucer, Shakespeare, the immortal bard, 
Spenser, Marlowe, Ben Jonson, Milton, the " mighty- 
voiced inventor of harmonies ; " Dryden, Prior, 
Pope, Gay, Young, Thomson, Burns, Thomas Moore, 
Walter Scott, Cowper, Byron, Shelley, Keats, Ten- 
nyson ; in history and philosophy — Bacon, Locke, 
Gibbon, Newton, Addison, Swift, Goldsmith, Sam- 
uel Johnson, Hume* Smollett, Burke, Hallam, Ma- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 53 

caulay, Grote, Carlyle ; in fiction — Fielding, Sterne, 
Cooper, Walter Scott, Lytton, Disraeli, Charles 
Dickens, Thackeray, Charlotte Bronte, George 
Eliot. 

Ainsworth and Anthony TroUope have just died ; 
and it seems as if we must expect a time of rest, or 
sadder still, of decadence. Shakespeare has attained 
heights which it does not seem possible for man to 
approach ; Milton made blank verse perfect. These 
messengers of the gods have passed away ; they will 
return no more. In Germany — Goethe and Schiller ; 
in Italy — Tasso, Ariosto and Dante ; in France Cor- 
neille, Racine, Moliere, Voltaire, and Victor Hugo ; 
in ancient Greece — Homer, ^Eschylus, Euripides, 
and Sophocles ; so many heroes — demi-gods ! Like 
the Messiah, they came with a message to the earth. 
That message is delivered, and they will come no 
more. 

The English modern novel is not, like the French 
one, a picture of the improbable, but a true picture 
of everyday life. Thackeray, the English Balzac, 
has painted the aristocracy of his country ; the in- 
imitable Dickens, the middle and lower classes ; 
George Eliot has dissected the human heart ; be- 
tween them they have left little unsaid. Here, a 
novel can be put into the hands of youth without 
fear of its warping the mind, and such is the moral 
tone of the greater part of English fiction, that few 
parents concern themselves about the novels that 
their children read. A boy can, in all security, take 
a novel to school without fear of its being confis- 
cated. In France, a boy in whose desk a novel of 
Alexandre Dumas, or perhaps even of Erckmann- 



154 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Chatrian had been found, would be relentlessly ex- 
pelled. 

The English are fond of the fine arts, and are ex- 
cellent connoisseurs. How could they be otherwise, 
admirers of Nature as they are ? The land of Joshua 
Reynolds, Turner, Hogarth, and Landseer, possesses 
at the present time a legion of talented artists : 
Frederick Leighton, Millais, Alma Tadema, and 
many others. 

The knowledge of drawing is more widely spread 
in England than in France. You will generally find 
in the house of an English gentleman the illustrated 
diary of the travels of some member of the family. 
Every well-educated girl can sketch a landscape. 
Who has not seen them on our Normandy beaches 
and hills, pencil and palette in hand ? 

The picture galleries, with which Pall Mall and 
Bond Street abound, are the rendezvous of English 
good society. You can pass a delightful hour in 
these rooms, which sometimes only contain about 
half a dozen pictures. One of the most frequented 
is the Dore Gallery. The great French artist, whose 
'pictures, so powerful, so vivid, have made him uni- 
versally popular, and whose loss France still mourns, 
was very much appreciated in England. His great 
-religious pictures — the Crucifixion^ the Martyrs^ the 
Asceitsion^ Christ leaving the Frcetoriiu?i^ Ecce JIo?no, 
the Entry of Christ into Jerusalein^ the Dreajn of Pi- 
late s Wife — have attracted vast numbers of people 
for the last ten years. 

The following is a list of the principal picture 
galleries : — 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 55 

Society of British Artists. 

City of London Society of Artists. 

Dore Gallery. 

Dramatic Fine Art Gallery. 

Dudley Gallery. 

Dulwich Gallery. 

French Gallery. 

Grosvenor Gallery. 

Society of Lady Artists. 

National Gallery. 

National Portrait Gallery. 

Royal Academy. 

South Kensington. 

Society of Painters in Water Colours. 

Institute of Painters in Water Colours. 

These picture galleries are open to the public all 
the year round. There exist many others, of less 
importance, to which the public are only admitted 
during certain parts of the year. 



XXII. 

The Great Public Schools — Education — Schoolboys* Clubs- 
School Heroes — Athletic Games — Oxford and Cambridge — 
Logic Lane — Argumentum Baculinum. 

To develop the physical faculties of the young, and 
by means of liberty and confidence to cultivate in 
them the love of Vs^hat is right, such is the double 
aim of the great English schools. They would 
have educated men, but, above all, they would have 
men^ vigorous men, strong in body and in mind. 
Mens Sana in corpore sano. 

Therefore, no barrack system ; fresh air in abun- 
dance, open fields and long free walks. No other 
policemen or watchdogs than conscience and public 
opinion. Each pupil is expected to be in his place 
at the time for classes or meals, and in his place 
each is to be found. What temptation is there to 
play truant ? After school hours, the English 
schoolboy may do as he likes, and go where he likes. 
When we, poor prisoners, could evade the porter's 
vigilance, and run to the tobacconist's shop across 
the road to get a pennyworth of tobacco, we felt like 
perfect heroes of romance. On our return, our 
schoolfellows flocked round us to sniff a little of the 
fresh and free air that we had breathed for a mo- 
ment. The cigarette is never seen in the great 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 57 

centres of English education. If it were forbidden 
as strictly as it is with us, it would soon be just as 
popular in England as in France. It is a kind of 
savour of forbidden fruit that makes smoking at- 
tractive ; freely permit it, and it loses all its charm. 

Eton, Harrow, Rugby, Marlborough, Wellington, 
all the greatest schools, are in the country. They 
are regular little towns, with parks or fields around 
them instead of courtyards. London possesses only 
five of these institutions : St. Paul's, Westminster, 
Christ's Hospital, Merchant Taylors, and City of 
London School ; and even the first-named of these 
is to be transplanted next year to an immense piec^^ 
of ground in the suburbs. 

A head-master, in spite of his five or six thousand 
a year salary, is not an inaccessible potentate ; quite 
the contrary, he knows personally every pupil. All 
the faces are familiar to him. And not only the 
faces, either, for young boys are still caned in 
English schools ; it is one of the privileges of the 
head-master : every unruly boy is taken to him to 
receive this chastisement. M. Taine makes the ob- 
servation that no head-master of a French lycee 
would lower himself so far as to whip a pupil. That 
is all very well ; but the English are practical before 
everything. By expelling a boy for the least infrac- 
tion of discipline, as is done in France, you blight 
his future. Here, he gets two or three strokes of 
the birch, and there is no more said about it : peche 
piini est tout'd-fait pardonne\ The boy may not boast 
of it, but neither will he consider himself disgraced ; 
the treatment generally has a salutary effect, and the 
culprit is received back into the good graces of his 



158 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

masters, and continues his studies as if nothing had 
happened. 

In the public schools, no routine, no advancement 
according to seniority — that premium offered to stu- 
pidity in France. When a pupil gets too advanced 
for his class, the head-master promotes him to a 
higher one. In sixth forms, which correspond to 
our classes de rhetorique^ you will sometimes find boys 
of fourteen or even thirteen. In France, there are 
students of higher mathematics who do not know 
their first book of Euclid, Rhetoricians who do not 
know their declensions. Here, each class is com- 
posed of from twenty-five to thirty boys, no more. 
They all have to be attentive, and all profit by the 
lessons given by the master, because he can give 
every boy individual attention. 

The classes in French lycees are composed of ten 
pupils of extraordinary capacities, who are prepared 
for the grand concoiirs de la Sorbo?ine, of about twenty 
who follow the lectures anyhow, and of fifty poor 
boys, neglected, forgotten even, who learn nothing, 
who are mere wallflowers. 

In England, none of those thousand petty offences 
made up to annoy and irritate young people. I re- 
member to have had, en Rhetorique, five hundred 
lines of Athalie to copy for having asked the boy 
sitting next to me to let me dip my pen in his inkw 
stand. 

In England, an intelligent boy costs his parents 
nothing to educate. He easily obtains a scholarship 
by competitive examination. When his studies are 
finished, he can obtain from his school an exhibition 
worth eighty or a hundred pounds a year for the 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 59 

four years that he means to pass at Oxford or Cam- 
bridge. At the same time, he can try for another 
scholarship at the University of his choice, and thus 
take up, for four or five years, a sum of about two 
hundred pounds. Each public school has its own 
income, administered by a council of governors. 
All these institutions for higher education are their 
own mistresses, and each is independent of the 
other. 

Public school boys get on very well among each 
other. The dunces are not despised as they are 
with us. On the other hand, the hero of the Eng- 
lish schoolboy is not the top boy of his class, but 
the quickest runner, the best athlete. At Eton, the 
school for the aristocracy, the heroes are first the 
young noblemen, next the sons of rich parents : 
the ones that are looked down upon are the founda- 
tion scholars, otherwise the cleverest boys. Still 
lower in the scale come the masters, I am told. A 
French schoolboy always feels inclined to lift his cap 
when a scholar who has carried off a prize at the 
great Sorbonne examination passes near him. 

Each school has its clubs : Athletic sports club, 
football club, cricket club, debating societies. All 
these societies have their president, their treasurer, 
their secretary. Nothing is wanting. The head- 
master and other masters are honorary president 
and vice-presidents ; but the pupils alone generally 
attend the meetings. One of them acts as president, 
and perfect order reigns throughout these little par- 
liaments. The secretary takes notes and draws up 
the minutes of the meeting, which ^ve read at thQ 



l60 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

opening of the following one. In the debating socie- 
ties, all sorts of questions, literary, political, and 
social, are gone into. I saw one day, when I visited 
St. Paul's School, that the question to be discussed 
at the next meeting of the Society was " Women's 
Rights : ought woman to play a political part in the 
commonwealth ? " The names of the speakers who 
would support or who would oppose the proposition 
were given. When all have had their say, the pres- 
ident counts the ayes and noes of the voters. These 
young fellows thus get accustomed early to express 
themselves well, to speak in public, and to be one 
day ornaments of the House of Commons. Never a 
rude or improper word is heard in these meetings. 
Everything is carried on in a calm, dignified manner. 
They are held after the masters have left the school 
house. No mistrust, no watch kept, no police. It 
is a perfect government. The maintenance of order 
is in the hands of the citizens. 

Each large school has its magazine, edited by the 
most competent scholars of the upper forms. These 
periodicals, which indeed are very interesting, give 
all the news of the school, accounts of the meetings 
of the different societies, literary articles, and poems, 
and are read by the pupils and ex-pupils, whom it 
keeps informed of all that is going on in the place 
where they passed some of their happiest days. 
These publications tend to keep up a pleasant inter- 
course between old schoolfellows, and to strengthen 
the esprit de corps amongst them. 

I think, on the whole, too much importance is at- 
tached to athletic games. I cannot make up my 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. l^A 

mind to admire those legs and biceps that are tried 
and betted upon exactly as at a horse race. 

I admire the development of the physical faculties ; 
but I draw the line at professional runners and walk- 
ers. I prefer a horse. Many of the games are very 
dangerous. Football is a wild game fit for savages. 
Picture to yourself fifteen great fellows on either 
side of a large ball that has to be kicked through 
the two goals of the opposite side, pushing and 
bustling, rolling over one another at the risk of get- 
ting their ribs or jaw-bones broken, breathless, their 
clothes torn, their shoulders lacerated, their hair on 
end, their faces covered with perspiration, blood, and 
mud ; their eyes blackened perhaps, but glowing 
w4th excitement, for all that is nothing to compare 
to a defeat. ** Fine game, sir!" remarked to me a 
sturdy young fellow, the first Latinist of a large 
school, who had just won a victory over the fifteen 
players of another public school. " It was rather 
hard work ; but we have beaten them all the same. 
They cannot play against us ; they haven't any 
wind." Hundreds of spectators, ladies as well as 
gentlemen, gather round the lists, and applaud and 
encourage the players with their shouts and bravos. 
Others besides schoolboys take part in these savage 
games : officers, gentlemen — every active man of 
England plays football. 

Football and cricket are the two national games : 
the former is played from the first of October to the 
first of April, and the latter from the first of April 
to the first of October. Cricket, a much quieter 
game than football, and very interesting when one 
understands the rules well, consists in aiming a 
II 



/ 



l62 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

leathern ball at three sticks planted in the ground, 
and defended by the adversary armed with a flat 
club which serves to return the ball far enough away 
to allow him to run between the two lines of sticks, 
until the ball has been retrieved. Such are the 
games over which young England goes wild and 
intoxicates itself. In spite of accidents, which occur 
too often, it must be admitted that such pastimes 
are preferable to the reading of Nana^ or to conver- 
sations often obscene that are carried on in our col- 
lege yards. 

To show to what an extent the confidence placed 
in an English schoolboy is carried, I must tell you 
that a master will not unfrequently say to a class : 
*' I shall expect you to bring me your translation to- 
morrow, done without using a dictionary or gram- 
mar. I should like to see how you will be able to 
manage it." No head-master would take the liberty 
of opening a letter addressed to one of his pupils ; 
the result of this system of confidence placed in them 
froni their tenderest years is, that at fifteen years 
old, English boys know how to behave themselves 
like men. The English coolness of manner is ad- 
mirably calculated to frustrate children's artifices ; 
no raising of the voice, no displaying of temper, 
which only irritates them, and which they know 
how to take advantage of if you do but give them 
the victory over you, by showing them that they 
possess the power of putting you out of temper. 
The empire over one's self, self-control, that eminent- 
ly English virtue, is the quality most essential to 
a schoolmaster. I know nothing less enviable than 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 163 

the position of a master who cannot make himself 
respected by those merciless little tyrants called 
schoolboys; it must in the long run produce disas- 
trous effects upon the brain. I read the other day^ 
in a newspaper, that a pupil had by his insolence 
and sarcasms driven his master to shoot himself. I 
should have shot the young rascal, I know. 

After having spoken so highly of the great public 
schools, what language shall I use to give an idea of 
those two great centres of learning in England, the 
Universities of Oxford and Cambridge ? Oxford 
especially ; Oxford with its twenty colleges hundreds 
of years old, its museums, its rich libraries, its lawns, 
its parks, its gigantic trees covered wuth luxuriant 
foliage, its towers clad with ivy, Virginia creeper, 
honeysuckle, and clematis, its long shady walks like 
cathedral naves. Everything around you has an air 
of classic sanctity, and inspires in the heart, ideas of 
poetry, study, and peaceful seclusion. It is in the 
shade of these gigantic oaks, on the richest verdure 
that Nature ever offered to the eyes of man, under 
the shadow of these venerable walls, the very stones 
of which have a history, that the young Englishman 
finishes his studies. One cannot look at these im- 
pressive sights without being mentally carried back 
to France, without thinking of our poor, solitary 
Sorbonne so gray, so cold ; of our students living in 
w^retched lodgings in the Quar tier- Latin. 

No women of evil repute in Oxford, I am told ; 
the authorities see that the young men under their 
care have liberty combined with freedom from dan- 
ger. When the students are not at work, they are 



l64 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

at the great club of the university — the Union. 
There they have all they require : reading rooms, 
coffee, and billiard rooms, studies, libraries, gardens, 
and also the great hall, in which the members meet, 
under the presidency of one of their number, to dis- 
cuss the questions of the day. In the summer, they 
are on the river, in hundreds of boats, and each 
wearing a boating costume, with the arms of the col- 
lege to which he belongs. 

Living is expensive at Oxford, and a student can- 
not keep himself on much less than three hundred 
pounds a year ; but, as I have said, the cleverest live 
at the expense of their colleges and of the public 
schools in which they were educated. A volume 
would scarce suffice to give a description of the 
treasures that are contained in this unique town. 
The Bodleian Library alone would require many 
pages devoted to it. It is there that is kept the 
most ancient manuscript of our old national epic of 
the eleventh century, the Chanson de Roland. It was 
my privilege to see and touch this precious little 
volume that some of our troubadours carried about 
in their pockets : I could not help feeling deep emo- 
tion as I opened it. 

Oxford has still the reputation of being a centre 
of prejudices in religious matters. ** Oxford, famous 
for dead languages and undying prejudices," once 
said Mr. John Bright. Cambridge is more liberal 
and less aristocratic. It was Oxford that burnt Lati- 
mer and Ridley. Macaulay reproaches her with it . 
"Cambridge had made them," he said; ^* Oxford 
burnt them." It should be added that Macaulay 
was a Cambridge man. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 16$ 

The University of Oxford was founded in the 
ninth century by Alfred the Great, and that of Cam- 
bridge dates also from the middle ages. England 
possesses several other universities : London, Dur- 
ham, Manchester, and others ; but they are of mod- 
ern foundation, and do not enjoy such a reputation 
as their two time-honoured sisters. 

Oxford and Cambridge are the nurseries of the 
great men of England, and it would be difficult to 
say which of the two has produced the greater num- 
ber : perfect harmony exists between them, and they 
give each other mutual encouragement in the path 
of labour and honour. All the clergymen of the 
Church of England have studied at Oxford or 
Cambridge. Therefore they are at once well-edu- 
cated men and gentlemen. They marry and become 
useful members of society. The young vicar is very 
much sought after in the higher classes : he has 
only to choose a girl and throw the handkerchief, 
and she is his. 

The two great Universities appear in public, once 
a year, on the Saturday preceding Holy Week, to 
the enjoyment of the London populace. The Ox- 
ford and Cambridge University Boat Race is, after 
the Derby, the most important event of the year for 
the betting world. For a week everybody w^ears, in 
his button-hole, a dark blue (Oxford) or a light blue 
(Cambridge) ribbon. The contest takes place on 
the Thames, near London. The two boats are each 
rowed by the eight best oarsmen of the University, 
who for months have been in special and hard train- 
ing. 

Here, as in the public schools, the popular heroes 



l66 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

are the best oarsmen, cricketers, and football players. 
Oxford and Cambridge also have contests at football, 
cricket, and billiards. 

The debating societies of the great public schools 
and universities have formed the greater part of the 
best orators of England. Canning, Gladstone, and 
a hundred others, made their debut in the Union. 
These gatherings, which might give a lesson in good 
order and courtesy to our legislative assemblies, 
were formerly held, at Oxford, in a little narrow 
lane, that may still be seen in the neighbourhood of 
Wadham College, and which is called Logic Lane, 
There the antagonists used to encounter to discuss 
important questions of philosophy. When they 
could not succeed in confuting their adversaries, they 
knocked them down. This way of proceeding was 
called the argumentu7n baculi7ium. ^^ It was their 
method in these polemical debates," says Addison, 
"first to discharge their syllogisms, after the manner 
of Socrates, and afterwards to betake themselves to 
their clubs, till such time as they had one way or 
other confounded their gainsayers." This puts one 
in mind of the time when the universities of Europe 
were divided into Greeks and Trojans. The latter 
bore a mortal enmity to the Greek language, and 
Erasmus tells how he had the misfortune to fall one 
day into the hands of a party of Trojans who beat 
him and left him in the street for dead. 



XXIII. 

Private Schools — Handy Masters — Scholastic Agents — Intelligent 
Men of Business — Personal Reminiscences — Occupying a seat 
is not engaging it. 

To become a lawyer, doctor, or officer, you must 
pass examinations. To become a schoolmaster, it is 
quite unnecessary : you open a school for boys or 
girls, just as you would open a grocery shop. I 
know of a tailor who, having failed in business, has 
set up a scliool in my neighbourhood ; he is getting 
on finely. In every street, at every step, you see on 
a door a brass plate with the inscription : Establish- 
ment for young gentleme7t, or Establishment for young 
ladies. 

Education is uncontrolled by any authority. The 
establishments in question are not subject to inspec- 
tion ; but the pupils who are sent to them are gen- 
erally well fed and allowed time for play ; the rest 
the parents do not trouble themselves much about. 

The other day I received two prospectuses, from 
which I will give you a few extracts. I keep the 
style intact ; it would be profanation to touch such 
chefs'cTcEuvre. 

^ ^ Ter7ns as low as possible to keep schools select a7id 
secure thorough teaching, 

" They are examined every Jidy by a gentleman from 



l68 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the College of Preceptors^ thus combining the advantages 
of a Public with a Private School. 

''^ Meals if wished. Luncheon and dinner^ gd. Tea^ ^d, 

" Ter?ns i/iclude English only. French^ ?nusic, walks ^ 
extras. 

^' Bei7tg very fo?id of babies^ eighteen months to two 
years is preferred for their admission. 

*' The religio7i of parents is never spoken against^ but 
the Bible must be taught. 

" Quarter from day of admission^ hoping parents will 
thus never lose time^ as it is advantageous on account of 
the examinations to enter at once. Thorough teaching. 
No cra77iming allo^ved''"^ 

The second prospectus was accompanied by a list 
of rules to be observed by the pupils. This list 
seems to be an exercise upon the different tenses of 
verbs. You shall see for yourself. 

First comes the future : 

" I. When you hear the bell at six o'clock^ you will get 
up immediately'' 

The next is in the conditional * 

** 5. If you should talk at table ^ you "ould not get any 
pudding!'' {sic). 

Then comes a subjunctive : 

'^14. // is required tJtat you should 7iever be seen with- 
out a cravat in class or at table," 

To conclude, there is the imperative : 

** 20. If you do not feel very well, go to Mrs» H'^ 
(Mrs. H. is the worthy wife of the head of the 
school.) 



* I beg to say that the original prospectus is in my possession.—^ 
Max O'Rell. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 169 

A friend of mine, a schoolmistress, had a plate 
put upon her door, with the inscription : Establish- 
ment for young ladies. Her landlord, a builder, 
promptly appeared, furious. " Take away that 
plate immediately," he said to his tenant ; " I let 
you my house as a private dwelling : you are de- 
stroying all the privacy of the neighbourhood, and 
my house property will go down." 

** But you have a plate upon your own door," 
remarked the lady. 

"I know that," replied the builder; *^but my 
business is respectable, at any rate." 

Among the shopkeeping classes, the word school- 
master raises a scornful smile. 

The words teacher^ tutor ^ governess^ are for them 
synonymous w^ith poor devil, broken-down folk. Eng- 
land owes this to her indifference towards education, 
and to Charles Dickens, who, in his writings did his 
utmost to lower the dignity of the schoolmaster. 
His intention was to chastise those thousands of 
ignorant men who kept schools, ill-treated the 
children, caned them unmercifully, and saved appear- 
ances by going about in a long black coat and 
a white neckcloth. But he went too far, and the 
people see Wackford Squeers in every school- 
master. 

You may read every day in the newspapers 
advertisements like the following : 

" A cook wanted ; wages £,2^'' 

** Wanted, a governess, able to teach English, 
French, drawing and music ; salary ;^2o." 

It is merely board and lodging that the gener- 
ality of advertisers offer to a governess : 



I/O JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

^^A comfortable home offered to a governess 
who would be willing to undertake the education of 
three young children." No mention of salary. 

Proprietors of private schools usually procure 
their teachers through a scholastic agency. 

When you require a place as tutor {place is the 
word employed), you apply to a scholastic agent. 
No need to produce any diploma or certificate ; 
you state what you know, and what you can teach ; 
that is all that is necessary. 

I know a young Frenchman who one day applied 
to one of these gentlemen. *^ I shall not be able to 
find you a place, sir, unless you undertake to teach 
some other subject in addition to French," said the 
agent to him. " Can you draw ? " 

** Yes, a little ; I think I could give elementary 
drawing lessons." 

** Elementary ! " exclaimed the agent : '' do not say 
elementary. You teach drawing ; very good. Do 
you play the piano ? " 

** I could play Au Clair de la Lune^ and I can read 
my notes pretty well." 

" Very good. Don't you think you could play the 
Marseillaise ? The Marseillaise is a great favourite 
in this country." 

"With one finger, perhaps." 

*^You will do capitally; I engage you; I shall 
write to the schoolmaster to-day ; make your prep- 
arations for starting to-morrow." 

He did start the next day, and what is more 
surprising than this singular interview, is that my 
young friend suited admirably. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. I/I 

I myself have had some small experience of the 
scholastic agent. About ten years ago, I obtained 
through the medium of an agency an interview with 
a Yorkshire schoolmaster, who, as you will' see, 
wanted a gentleman who could make himself thor- 
oughly useful. 

I told the reverend gentleman (for he was a clergy- 
man) that I wished to perfect myself in the English 
language ; that I was ready to teach French to his 
pupils ; that I did not expect a large salary, but 
should require a little time to myself for study. On 
hearing the words : / do not expect a large salary^ the 
reverend gentleman smiled, evidently a smile of sat- 
isfaction. '* I offer you thirty pounds a year," he 
said to me, "' board and lodging ; you will only have 
your laundress's bill to pay." 

*^Will you kindly tell me w^hat my duties will 
be ? " I inquired. 

^' We get up at six. You will have to look after 
the boys while they dress, and you will stay with 
them in the schoolroom until breakfast time at eight 
o'clock. After breakfast, you will take them for a 
walk till half-past nine. The morning classes are 
held from half-past nine to one o'clock. The sub- 
jects that I shall expect you to teach are Greek, 
Latin, French, mathematics, drawing, music, and 
dancing : English history and geography I teach 
myself." 

At this prospect of having to teach the piano and 
the mazurka, I grew reflective, but I begged the 
gentleman to continue. 

'^At one o'clock we dine," he resumed, "and at 
two, the afternoon classes begin, and last till five. 



1/2 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

At five we have. tea. After tea, you will take the 
boys out walking until seven. From seven to eight 
you will see that they prepare their lessons for the 
following day. At a quarter-past eight, we partake 
of bread and butter or cheese, and at half-past eight 
the boys go to bed." 

" They have richly earned it," thought I. 

I rose to take my hat, and was about to politely 
take leave of this constructor of well-filled time- 
tables, when he stopped me and smilingly inquired : 
*^ Couldn't you also teach a little German ?" 

**With pleasure, I'm sure," I said; *^ but what 
time should I have to cook the dinner ? " And, with- 
out waiting to see the effect that my remark must 
have produced upon the man, I left cured of the 
scholastic agency for ever. 

A few weeks later, I engaged myself in the school 
of a worthy man who consented to make me work 
three hours a day only, on condition that I should 
require no salary. I left him at the end of a month : 
his wife, who got drunk every Saturday, one day 
threw a pot of beer in my face. 

I resolved to give up teaching, and went as a 
boarder to a school where I was to pay eight pounds 
a month. This school enjoyed a very good reputa- 
tion : the French master was a Swiss ; the piano was 
taught by a German, singing by an Italian, and the 
piano-tuner was a Pole : Noah's ark on a small scale. 
I knew English tolerably well by this time : at the 
end of a few months, I could write and speak it to 
my satisfaction ; I was thinking of leaving. My new 
master probably guessed my intention, and one fine 
morning took me aside and said to me : ^' You speak 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. I73 

English very well ; I should advise you next, if you 
wish to perfect yourself, to teach French to English 
pupils ; it will enable you to compare the two lan- 
guages better, and, if it is your intention to take up 
teaching as a profession, it will be excellent practice 
for you. If you like, I will allow you without chang- 
ing our money arrangements, without your paying 
anything extra, to practise upon my own pupils.'* 
It was easy to see what this clever man of business 
wanted to do : he would send away the Swiss, and 
instead of having to pay a French master, by this 
plan he would have one who would pay him eight 
pounds a month. It was quite clear and very clever. 

I had been upon the point of teaching my native 
language for thirty pounds a year ; I had taught it 
for nothing a year ; now I was in danger of having to 
pay for teaching it ; the situation was getting tragic. 
I ran and packed up my traps. Je cours encore. 

The under-master in these schools is a drudge, 
especially the French one. He must, before all 
things, meet the approbation of the scholars. Woe 
betide him if there is a decision between himself and 
one of the pupils to be made. A child who leaves 
is not easily replaced ; competition is too great : but 
he, poor fellow, if he had to go, there would be ten 
others ready to fill his place the day after. He 
knows it, and puts up with the ill-treatment of these 
merciless young rascals. If the pupils insult him, 
or cannot be made to work, he makes no complaint, 
all the blame would fall upon him. 

The principal himself never has anything but 
praises for his pupils. His reports to the parents 
are admirable. If he were to say that a boy wa$ not 



I7A JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

making progress, the parents would take their child 
away the term after. If he complained to a father 
of the w^ant of intelligence in his boy, he would be 
told that he was paid to give him some. 

As a rule, in England, when a pupil is successful 
in his studies, it is put down to his intelligence and 
hard work ; when he is lazy and learns nothing, it is 
owing to his having a bad master. 

Charles Dickens, in his preface to ^* Nicholas 
Nickleby," thus expresses himself upon the subject 
of private schools : ^^ Of the monstrous neglect of 
education in England, and the disregard of it by the 
State as a means of forming good or bad citizens, 
and miserable or happy men, private schools long 
afforded a notable example. Although any man 
who had proved his unfitness for any other occupa- 
tion in life was * free, without examination or quali- 
fication, to open a school anywhere ; although prepa- 
ration for the functions he undertook was required 
in the surgeon, in the chemist, the attorney, the 
butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the 
whole round of crafts and trades, the schoolmaster 
excepted ; and although schoolmasters, as a race, 
were the blockheads and impostors who might nat- 
urally be expected to spring from such a state of 
things, and to flourish in it, the Yorkshire school- 
masters w^ere the lowest and most rotten round in 
the whole ladder. Traders in the avarice, indiffer- 
ence, or imbecility of parents, and the helplessness 
of children ; ignorant, sordid, brutal men, to w4iom 
few considerate persons would have entrusted the 

* He is still. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 175 

board and lodging of a horse or a dog I 

make mention of the race, as of the Yorkshire 
schoolmasters, in the past tense. Though it has not 
yet finally disappeared, it is dwindling away." 

Very slowly^ I might add. 

A young Frenchman of my acquaintance went to 
spend a month in a provincial school, to learn a little 
English and teach a great deal of French, for no 
salary I need not add. The day after his arrival, the 
following advertisement appeared in the paper of 
the neighbouring town : ^* Mr. R., assisted by resi- 
dent and visiting masters, gives a thorough education 
at moderate charges." My young compatriot hap- 
pened to be the only assistant master of the establish- 
ment ; but he was reside7tt, since he resided in the 
house, and he could also be said to be visiting^ as he 
was only on a visit. So there was nothing absolutely 
untrue about the puff. 

English people are very great upon words ; lying 
is unknowm. I was one day travelling with an Eng- 
lish bishop. We were five in the compartment. On 
arriving at a station, we heard a cry : " Five minutes 
here ! " My lord bishop immediately began to spread 
out on the seats travelling bag, hat-box, rug, papers, 
etc. A lady presented herself at the door, and 
asked : '' Is there any room here ? " "" All the seats 
are occupied," replied the bishop. 

When the poor lady had been sent about her busi- 
ness, we called his lordship's attention to the fact 
that there were only five of us in the carriage, and 
that, consequently all the seats were not engaged. 
^' I did not say that they were," answered my lord ; 
" I said they were occupied^ 



XXIV. 

The Politics of the Young — The Squire — The Universities in Par* 
liament. 

Thanks to the barrack — I had ahnost said prison — 
system practised in our lycees, French boys are Re- 
publicans, Radicals, Socialists. They dream wild 
dreams of liberty, they gasp for freedom, revolu- 
tionary heroes are the heroes they worship. 

Youth, alas ! is a complaint that does not linger 
about us long. How many of those red-hot Radicals 
I knew in my schooldays now sing ora pro nobis in 
the street processions of the Holy Virgin ! 

English boys, who enjoy the most complete free- 
dom at home and at school, are ultra-Conservatives. 
Their patriotism makes them so. The Liberals have 
the reputation of aiming at reforms ; now, to admit 
that reforms are wanted, is to admit that England is 
not perfection, and it would be difficult to persuade 
her youthful sons that such was the case. 

You will hear English people say, ** Conservative 
as an undergraduate." 

The greater part of these young men are sons of 
noblemen or of country squires. 

The squire, as a rule, is nothing out of the common 
in the way of intellect : he has only his birth to thank 
for the position he occupies. His days are passed 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. \^^ 

in eating and drinking, smoking and hunting, and 
taking up his rents. It strikes him as very strange 
that there should be people who are not pleased with 
their lot. *' What discontented people there are in 
the world, to be sure ! " he exclaims, as he reads in 
his newspaper the account of a strike or a manifes- 
tation in favour of such and such a reform. Reforms 
indeed ! He considers that things are very well 
ordered in this best of worlds. 

The squire is the magistrate of his parish ; he is in 
the commission of the peace. A poor beggar tried 
to excuse himself one day before his squire, by ex- 
claiming, ^' I must live, your honour." 

*' I do not see the necessity for that," replied the 
magistrate, indignant at such presumption. 

The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge, which 
each send two members to Parliament, are repre- 
sented by Conservative landlords or manufacturers. 
The Liberals, it is true, present their most distin- 
guished professors as candidates ; but they are 
almost ignominiously defeated. This is how : To 
be an elector of one of these Universities, it is suffi- 
cient to have lived three years at Oxford or Cam- 
bridge, and to have obtained the degree of Bachelor 
of Arts, which, three years later, is changed for that 
of Master of Arts, merely upon the payment of cer- 
tain fees. So all these sons of gentlemen leave 
college with the degree of B.A. ; with this difference, 
it must be explained, that, while part of them are 
bachelors of first, second, or third class, the others 
are not classed at all. The former become profes- 
sors, barristers, etc. You find them in after life 
occupying the highest positions. The latter return 



1/8 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

home to shoot over papa's property or go into the 
Church. Bachelors with honours and bachelors 
without honours are in the proportion of one to six. 

This is why, at the University elections, the Con- 
servative candidate wins by such a large majority. 

An English savant^ member of the University of 
Oxford, and a staunch Conservative, told me one day 
that he always refrained from voting for his alma 
mater^ because, said he, '*The Conservative candi- 
date I don't like ; and I cannot accept the political 
opinions of the Liberals." 

I know another, also a great scholar, and also a 
Conservative, who invariably votes for the Liberal 
candidate. *^ It is a preposterous thing that our 
great centres of learning should be represented in 
Parliament by noodles of country squires, or big 
tradesmen ! " Whenever he has to vote, he sacrifices 
his personal opinions to the honour of his University. 

London University, the students of which belong, 
as a rule, to Liberal-minded families, sends a Liberal 
representative to Parliament. They generally choose 
a savant A few years ago, it was Mr. Robert Lowe ; 
at present it is Sir John Lubbock, the banker, 
naturalist, and philanthropist. 

The Chancellors and Rectors of the Universities 
are dukes, marquises, or earls : it is the Marquis of 
Salisbury at Oxford ; the Duke of Devonshire at 
Cambridge ; Earl Granville in London. If you hap- 
pen to be born a lord in England, you are born a 
legislator, diplomatist, artist, learned man — anything 
you like. In Figaro's time, the nobleman could 
play the guitar from his birth : that was more won- 
derful stilL 



XXV. 

The Court — The Queen and the Royal Family — German Princes 
to spare — The Political Parties — The House of Lords — The 
House of Commons. 

Of all methods of making itself conspicuous, the 
court of St. James's has adopted the most economical : 
that of being conspicuous by its absence. The 
Queen does not spend more than a fortnight of the 
year in London. She passes four months at Bal- 
moral, in the midst of her farmers ; three months in 
a very simple country house in the Isle of Wight, 
and the rest of her time at Windsor. She gives two 
balls and two concerts a year at Buckingham Palace, 
in London. This palace is now scarcely inhabited, 
except by rats ; and the Empress of Russia, who 
passed a month there in 1875, suffered terribly from 
rheumatism all the while. At all the receptions the 
Prince of Wales and his charming Princess replace 
the Queen. They do it admirably. Amiable, and un- 
grudging of their trouble, all the year round they 
may be seen journeying hither and thither, laying 
foundation stones of churches or other important 
buildings, opening hospitals, bridges, colleges, piers, 
etc. 

The Princess of Wales, mother of great sons al- 
most old enough to be married, but with a sweet, 



l8o JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

ever-girlish face, is the idol of the English people. 
You see her portraits in the shop windows, taken 
with a little cat in her arms, or her baby on her 
back : that will tell you what she is. Impossible to 
be other than good with such a face as that. 

I know of no position in this world more enviable 
than that of Her Britannic Majesty : the deep at- 
tachment of a great nation, the empire of 300,000,000 
souls, the finest royal domain in the world, little or 
nothing to do, complete security, magnificent reve- 
nues, and not the slightest responsibility. 

The Court is more German than English : the 
Queen give posts and places in it to most of the 
German Princes whom Prince von Bismarck has re- 
lieved of the care of their own states. It is thought 
that the Prince of Wales will change all this one 
day. The Queen has married her daughters to Ger* 
mans : the eldest will be Empress of Germany ; the 
second was married to the Grand-Duke of Hesse 
Darmstadt (she died in 1878) ; the third to Prince 
Christian of Schleswig-Holstein, who lives at the 
expense of John Bull. The Duke of Connaught 
married the daughter of Prince Frederick-Charles, 
and the Duke of Albany the Princess of Waldeck 
Pyrmont, to whom the English Parliament allows a 
grant of six thousand pounds a year. 

The rest of the German Princes are generals, ad- 
mirals, governors of the Queen's castles, etc. They 
are very inoffensive, for that matter, and neveJ 
harmed anybody, not even Her Majesty's enemies. 

One of the most formidable is His Serene High- 
ness Prince Leiningen, late captain of the Queen's 
yacht. His duties consisted in crossing the Solent 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. l8l 

four times a year, a voyage of twenty minutes' dura- 
tion. He managed, on one occasion, to run down a 
sailing boat in broad daylight, and drown three per- 
sons, who were imprudent enough to cruise in the 
same waters as this experienced navigator. This 
most serene fresh-water sailor drew a salary of 
;j^2,ooo a year, and has lately been promoted to the 
grade of rear-admiraL 

There are two great political parties in England 
— the Liberals and the Conservatives : the rest are 
perfectly insignificant ; a change of ministry is ef- 
fected in a few hours. When a newly elected House 
of Commons is not composed of the same elements 
as the one which it replaces, when the majority has 
become the minority, the Queen dismisses each min- 
ister, and passes their portfolios to their successors. 
In this way, the ministries of Disraeli and Gladstone 
have alternated every six years, for almost a quarter 
oi a century. It is very seldom that a ministry re- 
mains in power more than six years : John Bull 
likes to give his ministers a change now and again, 
as a recompense for their zeal, and devotion to 
their country. 

The members of the Royal Family are careful to 
refrain from talking politics. The Queen's sons are 
the leaders of Society, but you never see them at a 
political meeting or dinner. They abstain from vot- 
ing in the House of Lords, whenever, by giving their 
votes, they might be showing the slightest prefer- 
ence for either party. 

The late Prince Albert once took the liberty, at a 
public dinner, to allude to politics. The papers of 



1 82 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the following day handled him so severely that he 
was quite cured, and never ventured on the subject 
again. The Englishman likes everybody to keep his 
proper place, and I feel convinced that, if the Royal 
Family were to take it into their heads to meddle in 
politics, their days in this country would be num- 
bered. 

A political career is a thankless one. The Queen's 
sons keep clear of politics, and they are well inspired 
to do so : thus they keep their prestige. They are 
the first gentlemen of England, received with acclam- 
ations in public, in private as free as the humblest 
of Her Majesty's subjects. Their path is not strewed 
with crackers, and when they go to bed, they have 
no fear of finding boxes of dynamite under their 
pillows. Lucky Prince of Wales I Poor Czar of all 
the Russias 1 So long as there is a monarchy, there 
will be one in England : a monarchy capable of giv- 
ing lessons in liberty to more than one Republic. 

The existence of the House of Lords is an insult 
to the common sense of the English nation. The 
nobility is here essentially a moneyed nobility, a mon- 
opoly of property^ which the law of primogeniture- 
ship, only existing in the aristocracy, concentrates 
into a few hands. Nine-tenths of the English peers 
would be unable to produce any quarters farther back 
than the last century. The heroes that are ennobled 
are heroes of money ; English pale-ale and double- 
stout have more earls and barons to answer for than 
all the other national products. 

The seats in the House of Lords are hereditary, 
and there is always a crushing majority on the Con- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 183 

servative side. But the House is not destitute of 
common sense, and knows quite well that its exis- 
tence entirely depends upon its keeping quiet and 
not attracting public attention. 

The two legislative bodies never clash, and yet, 
when the Liberals are in power, the Lords could 
throw^ out all the bills passed by the Commons. 
They take care to do nothing of the kind. No 
matter how radical a measure the Commons may 
pass, the Lords do not reject it. They begin by 
making a little opposition, it is true ; some young 
viscounts may go so far as to talk about their 
independence, but it does not last long ; the few 
able and clear-sighted members in this venerable 
assembly are there to give the key-note. 

The leader of Her Majesty's opposition generally 
terminates the debates with an allusion to his 
patriotic desire to do nothing that shall disturb the 
peace of the country he loves. He will give his 
vote, he says, although doubting very much 
whether the law in question is going to benefit the 
nation. He only hopes it will not do too much 
harm and resigns himself. The day the House of 
Lords rejects any important measure passed by the 
L berals, it will have dealt its own death-blow. 

The two great political parties are of about equal 
strength. The result is, that the Opposition always 
united, well directed, and well disciplined, is for- 
midable. It acts the part of a break upon the 
wheels of the Ministry's chariot. Everything the 
Government proposes is condemned in advance ; 
every war it undertakes is unjust, and every treaty 
of peace it signs is cowardly. If a battle is lost, 



1 84 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the Government has all the blame to bear; if a 
victory is won, it is thanks to the bravery of the 
army. It never has done and never can do 
anything worth praising. But the task of the 
Government is relatively an easy one , in all im« 
portant questions they can rely on their majority; 
not one will desert them. No parliamentary groups 
to be humoured, because they possess the power of 
menacing the existence of the Ministry at every 
turn. When a Liberal wishes to absent himself for 
a session, he tries to find a Conservative who is 
desirous of doing the same, They pair off, and in 
the event of a division, the absence of neither 
gentleman gives the majority to his opponents. 
The Irish party, however, grows more national every 
day, and the Government may, before long, have to 
reckon seriously with it. 

The most perfect order reigns throughout the 
House of Commons during the debates. The 
Liberals and Conser^^atives respect and esteem each 
other. Personalities are impossible, thanks to the 
excellent system which obliges every orator to 
address his remarks to the speaker, and never to 
call any member by name. ^^Sir," a member w^ill 
say to the speaker, ^^the honourable member for 
N. wishes to know whether I,*' etc.; or, **the noble 
lord, the member for N., is labouring under a delu- 
sion," etc. 

The room is small and rectangular ; the two par- 
ties sit facing each other, and with their hats on ; a 
member only bares his head while he ■' speakmg. 
No tribune to mount : in front of the speaker is a 
table ; each orator, as he wishes to speak, approaches 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 1 85 

it, and, with his back turned to his own party, speaks, 
not to the House, but to his opponents, whom he 
seeks to convince, without ever succeeding, it is 
needless to add. Parliament signifies *' a place 
where one talks," from the French /^r/^r. 

If the English member of Parliament is calm and 
strictly parliamentary in the House of Commons, he 
is nothing of the kind in the meetings at which he 
addresses his constituents. There he is violent, with- 
out a fear of being called to order for the expressions 
he uses ; he denounces his opponents in the plainest 
terms. At such meetings I have heard Gladstone 
spoken of as an old villain, a hoary-headed scoun- 
drel and traitor, a miscreant abandoned of God and 
man. Disraeli as a Venetian Jew, a Jerusalem don- 
key. The right honourable gentlemen were none 
the worse for it. 

In the spring of 1883, one of the larger evening 
papers thus expressed itself on the recovery of Her 
Majesty from a sprain : ** Her Majesty has had a se- 
rious accident, there is no disguising the fact ; but 
the prayers of an entire nation have succeeded in 
obtaining from the Providence that watches over 
our beloved Sovereign, an earlier convalescence than 
we dared to hope for. The recovery of Her Majesty 
will bring back joy to every fireside, and happiness 
to the heart of every true-born Englishman ; it will 
put an end to those moments of solemn anxiety 
which, alas! have already. been of too long dura- 
tion." 

No one has a greater respect and admiration than 
myself for Her Majesty, and the feelings of deep- 



1 86 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

rooted affection she inspires in her people ; but two 
whole columns of abject platitudes, on the subject of 
a sprain, will prove that the ceremony of kissing 
hands is not the only exercise of the kind which cer« 
tain subjects of Her Britannic Majesty indulge in. 



XXVI. 

Sunday in London — Edifying Sights — Difference between a Walk- 
ing-stick and an Umbrella — Street Preachers — The Blind Beg- 
gar of Paris and the Blind Beggar of London — Prince Bismarck 
whistles on the Sabbath. 

If you would keep a really lasting impression of St. 
Petersburg, visit it at the time of the year when, to 
save your nose -from freezing, you must rub it with 
snow every five minutes. 

If you would keep an impression of London that 
nothing would efface from your memory, come and 
see it on a Sunday, and, if possible, let it be one 
Sunday when there is a good east wind blowing. 

All the shops are closed ; not a creature stirring; 
miles of deserted- looking streets everywhere ; the 
gray houses and the gray sky seem to meet and min- 
gle. Around and above, look w^here you will, the 
same sad tint encircles you and strikes chill to the 
marrow of your bones. It gives you cold shivers. 

Here and there you may see a few roughs leaning, 
pipe in mouth, against the walls of the public- 
houses, waiting for the doors to be opened. These 
dens are only opened from one o'clock to three in 
the afternoon, and from six to eleven in the evening, 
on Sundays. At a quarter to eleven, in the morning, 
the bells begin to ring. The sound of these bells is 
harsh and extremely irritating. I have asked and 



1 88 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

been told the reason why peals of bells are scarcely 
ever heard. The churches, built about as strongly as 
the houses, would never stand them. 

Now you see a sight that the English say excites 
the envy of the whole world : the English nation go- 
ing to church or chapel. Each one carries his books 
in his hand; a Bible, a prayer-book, and a hymn- 
book. The bigger these books are, the better it 
looks. Some are of great size, and they are carefully 
displayed as much as possible. They have not to 
be carried far, it is no superhuman task, the churches 
are about as numerous as the public-houses, and 
everybody has one close to his door. 

We will not enter the churches just yet . we will 
reserve that for a special chapter. 

The service concludes at half-past twelve or one, 
and the English nation then returns home to dine. 
The evening service commences at seven. 

During the interval the English nation takes a 
nap. The fathers and mothers, half asleep in their 
easy chairs, take a few nuts and a glass of port. No 
visiting on Sundays. The children read the Bible or 
the true stories of some wonderful conversion out of 
a tract, that has been left at the door by an agent of 
the Bible Society. 

A good Englishman never goes out during church 
time. If he does not mean to go to church, he 
alleges a slight indisposition as an excuse. There 
are very few who admit that they are not church- 
goers ; there are none that boast of it. 

One Sunday morning, whilst I was on a visit to 
an English family, I proposed a walk. A son of the 
family offered to accompany me. As we were leav- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 189 

ing the house, he noticed that I had taken my walk- 
ing stick. *^ Take an umbrella," said he; "it looks 
more respectable." 

Those agents of the Bible Society, with their 
tracts, are terrible bores. You meet with them in 
omnibuses, in trains, in the streets, everywhere. 
With a hypocritical smile they beg you to accept a 
tract. Your best plan, if you would quickly have 
done with them, is to accept the piece of paper, put 
it in your pocket, and say: ^^ Thank you." I met 
with one once who made quite a dead set at me. 

"Sir," he began, ^^ God commands every man to 
repent." 

" I thank you for reminding me, but I had not 
forgotten it," I said. 

" Ah ! sir, you are a foreigner ; seek salvation, save 
your soul, whilst you are in this country." 

" Have you the keys of Paradise, then ? " I asked 
him ; " and is that your calling to bother people in 
this manner ? Leave me alone." 

" Sir, believe me, all men are sinners. David him- 
self was one." 

" I agree with you," I exclaimed. 

"Yes, but he repented." 

"There was room for repentance." 

" The repentance should make us forget the crime." 

" Exactly. But why, then, do you hang your 
criminals ? " I added, for I was beginning to be 
amused at the turn the conversation had taken. 

"Because, by executing them, w^hilst they are in 
a state of repentance, we send them to Paradise. If 
we set them at liberty, they would return to a state 
of sin." 



190 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

^' Now, tell me," said I to him, *' for you seem to 
be an intelligent man, would you receive in your 
house, at your table, with your good wiie and chil- 
dren, a man who had caused the death of another in 
order to make love more easily to his wife, but who 
had afterwards repented ? Would you not welcome 
more warmly one who had never had occasion to re« 
pent of such crimes as those of David? " 

*^Ah!"he replied, ^* your levity is out of place. 
Laugh at me, if you like ; we shall see in the end 
who will be on the laughing side. We shall meet 
again at the Last Day." After giving me this ap- 
pointment he left me, with a look more jeering than 
Christian, I am sorry to say. 

I have often heard that these agents do not make 
any proselytes, especially among foreigners, in Eng- 
land. I do not believe a word of it. I could tell of 
some wonderful conversions myself. One day I re- 
ceived the following letter : — " Sir, having lost my 
situation in France, I came over to England, w^here 
I have gained an honest livelihood for several years 
past. These explanations will make you as well ac- 
quainted with my private life as I am 7nyself. Since 
my arrival in England, I have completely changed 
my ways. I know the Lord, I have become a Prot- 
estant and a total abstainer. Unfortunately, I am 
now in bad health. Compatriots in a foreign land 
should help one another, and if you would lend me 
a few pounds, or even one, you would oblige me 
greatly, and I should be exceedingly thankful to 
you. Be kind enough to receive, with my antici- 
pated thanks, the expression, etc." 

Among the other Sunday heroes, the street preach* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 191 

ers must not be forgotten. They are generally con- 
ceited workmen, who, having received from Heaven 
a mission to go and convert their fellow-creatures, 
relate their experience of life to the public : how 
they were once nothing but miserable sinners, how 
they have seen the error of their ways and become 
converted, and how easy it is for others to do like- 
wise. They take up their stand in some open place, 
in parties of five or six, accompanied by one or two 
old maids. Here, more than anywhere, old maids 
offer to God that which they have had no chance of 
giving to men : a pure and loving heart. A circle 
is formed, and a monotonous hymn sung : this is to 
attract the passers-by. One of the party steps for- 
ward, takes off his hat, collects his thoughts in it, 
and commences his discourse. The theme never 
varies. ** My dear friends, death is at hand : are 
you prepared to meet it ? " A crowd soon gathers 
round silent and respectful. It is not a religious 
silence, but a simple mark of that boundless respect 
which is entertained in. England for the liberty of 
meeting. The men smoke their pipes and listen ; 
it is the only distraction to be had on Sundays, so 
they avail themselves of it. They do not pray, but 
on the other hand, neither do they mock. The ser- 
mons are dull twaddle, and generally full of personal 
experiences. ** My dear friends,'' said one of these 
street evangelists, ^^I am happy to be able to say 
that I am saved, that I am now on my way to 
Heaven. A month ago, I could not have said this, 
I was the slave of the devil." Indeed, it was easy to 
see he was telling the truth, for le diable sur son fiez 
avait marque ses exploits. 



192 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

The only street orators, who are occasionally 
amusing, are the agents of the Temperance Society. 
They, I quite believe, do some good. They speak 
to the workman in language that he can understand ; 
they relate anecdotes. The audience are allowed to 
ask questions, to raise objections ; answers are 
always forthcoming. ^' Here, I say, I've got some- 
thing to say to you, just listen a minute," said one 
of them to a ragged workman, who was listening one 
day at a meeting of this kind. " You carry your money 
to the publican, who makes you drunk every day, 
don't you ? You and your wife and children starve, 
while the publican has his joint of beef, or rsither yoi^r 
joint of beef — for your money paid for it — roasting 
under your nose ; only look at your worn-out boots : 
who is there that would give twopence for every- 
thing you have on your back ? I am a workman 
like you ; but look at my good strong boots ; 
there, look at my warm woollen waistcoat, look at 
my overcoat. To-day, when I go home, I shall find 
a good dinner ready ; it isn't the publican, it's my 
missus that cooks it. I drink water, that explains 
the difference. Why don't you do the same ? " 

** What ! " replied the man thus harangued, *^ can- 
not a man take a glass Avith a friend ? " 

'''Yes, to be sure. Drink one, if you like; but if you 
are not satisfied with one glass, sign this pledge, as I 
did, and bind yourself to drink nothing but water." 

These people, thus abruptly appealed to, do not 
lose their temper. Some reply with a laugh, *'Well, 
old fellow, you can drink water if you enjoy it. I 
am off to drink a glass of grog to your health." I 
have seen others go to the register and sign. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. I93 

These missionaries are not all completely disin- 
terested. Some of them make a fine income by 
preaching temperance. I know of one, an Ameri- 
can, who wanted fifteen guineas for delivering half- 
an-hour's address at the Crystal Palace. The same 
individual asked for a hundred and fifty-five pounds 
for himself and his wife, who were wanted to preach 
temperance at Brighton for ten days: and, what is 
still more astonishing, is^^hat he got it. 

The Americans are business-like people. For that 
matter, foxes will fare well so long as there are geese 
to be plucked. 

John Bull will never be able to be very proud of 
his Sabbath so long as the public-houses are kept 
open on Sundays. There exist fifteen hundred thou- 
sand persons in London whose existence is a problem, 
and whom no church seeks to attract to itself. The 
aristocracy, the upper and lower middle classes, all 
go to church and chapel ; the lower classes go to the 
tavern and get drunk. " Let us close the public- 
houses on Sundays," cry the Liberals and the philan- 
thropists. ^^Let us keep them open," cry the Con- 
servatives, bishops, and archbishops in their van. 
'' Our museums, picture-galleries, theatres, concerts, 
everything is closed on Sundays," said a Conserva- 
tive to me. '^ We have our comfortable homes and 
clubs where we can pass the day without finding the 
want of other attractions; but the people of the* 
lower classes, living in wretched hovels, what dis- 
tractions have they? It is to our own interest, more- 
over, to leave them the only one they possess and 
appreciate. So long as they are stupefied with drink 
they will give us no trouble. The day we close the 
13 



194 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

public-houses of London on Sundays we shall have 
a terrible revolution." 

Ay, terrible indeed ! One look at the faces of the 
women and men who frequent these drink-shops 
will persuade you how terrible. The thought makes 
one shudder. 

Bible or beer ; Gospel or gin : no other choice on 
Sundays ; no intermedium in this country of con- 
trasts.* It is, as M. Taine says, '^ Paradise or Hell : 
no Purgatory in England." 

Children must not play on Sundays. I once saw 
two little creatures of six or seven playing with 
oranges in the street. A gentleman w^ent up to 
them and gave them a severe reprimanding for their 
naughtiness. Old maids are terrible on Sundays ; 
woe be to the children who fall into their clutches on 
the Sabbath ! 

In France, blind beggars play the flute. In Eng- 
land, they read aloud from a Bible printed in raised 
characters, over which they pass their fingers. I am 
inclined to suspect more than one of thenl of know- 
ing a chapter of Jeremiah by heart, and of calmly 
reciting it, whilst sprawling their fingers over the 
pages for form's sake. 

You will see the walls of all waiting rooms covered 

* ''In Kilburn, a most respectable suburb of London, there are 
25 places of worship and 35 public-houses. On November 26th, 
1882, between the hours of six and eight in the evening, 5,570 per- 
sons entered the places of worship, and 5,591 the public-houses." — 
jDaify News, *'A Public VS^orship and Public-house Census at 
Kilburn.'* 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND.. I95 

with sheets of scriptural texts printed in large type. 
Go to the most private places for men, you will see 
in front of you, ^^God sees thee," or "Make haste; 
God waits for thee." Turn which way you will, 
Bible here, Bible there, Bible everywhere. 

Prince Bismarck, who, it appears, has a remark- 
able talent for whistling, landed at Hull one Sunday^ 
^' I had just set foot for the first time on English 
soil," he related. " I began to whistle as I went 
along the street. An Englishman stopped me and 
said : * Sir, be good enough to stop whistling.' — 
* Stop whistling ? What for ? ' — ' Because it is for- 
bidden. It is Sunday ! ' I made up my mind not to 
stay in Hull another hour, and I started for Edin- 
burgh." Poor Prince Bismarck ! What an inspira- 
tion ! Fancy going to Scotland to escape from the 
form Qf tyranny that is called in England the observ- 
ance of the Lord's Day ! Scotland, the land of John 
Knox and the cradle of Puritanism ! Bismarck has. 
never boasted of the success he met with as a Sab- 
bath Day whistler in Scotland. 



XXVII. 

The Churches and Chapels — Different Ways of Kneeling — Confes- 
sion made easy — Second-hand Sermons — Grand Spectacular 
Services — Collections — Shipwrecked Mariners. 

In France, Catholics go to church, Protestants to 
their temples, and Jews to the synagogue. 

In England, members of the English Church go 
to churchy members of dissenting sects go to chapel. 

That which strikes a stranger, as he enters Eng- 
lish places of worship, is the total absence of poor 
I people. I make an exception, however, in favour of 
the Catholic churches. 

The English Church, who counts among her fol- 
lowers the aristocracy, the well-to-do classes, and 
about half of the middle classes, all of them be- 
lievers in the doctrine that the other, world will be 
peopled with all sorts and conditions of men, yet 
none of them anxious to commence acquaintance, — 
does not seek to attract the poor. You never see a 
shabbily-dressed person in a church, especially not in 
a London one. The pastor takes care that his flock 
shall be in good company. 

As to the dissenting churches or chapels, their 

reason is a different one. The English Church is 

supported by the State, but each chapel is kept up 

/' at the expense of the faithful. The ministers live 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. I97 

upon subscriptions, collections, presents, and invi-' 
tations to dinner. Here again the uselessness of the 
poor is, alas ! only too apoarent. 

Divine service is always conducted in English, and 
consists principally of extracts from the Bible, and 
of hymns. More than half the service is passed in 
singing, very loudly and terribly out of tune. Row- 
land Hill was anxious to see an improvement in 
church music. He did not see, he said, why Satan 
should have the sole privilege of listening to good 
music. It is certain that the Creator does not hear 
much in the English churches, except, perhaps, in 
the cathedrals. 

The manner in which the faithful kneel is rather 
remarkable. The prayer-book contains very precise 
directions on the subject, however ; it even employs 
a tautological phrase which it is impossible to inter- 
pret in different ways : *^ Here the congregation shall 
kneel on their knees." 

But the faithful kneel on something else ; they 
sit down ; then, with their elbows on their knees, 
the upper part of the body thrown forward, and their 
faces buried in their hands, they look, from a cer- 
tain distance, as if they were all on their knees. 
Not a bit of it. They are cheating ; they are all 
comfortably seated. 

The service commences with the general confes- 
sion. The w^hole congregation joins in this general 
examination of the conscience, this universal con- 
fession, a confession all the more convenient that 
there is no need for each sinner to specify his sins ; 
it is the same confession for the greatest sinner as 
for the most innocent child : " We have left undone 



198 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

those things which we ought to have done, and we 
have done those things we ought not to have done." 
Very easy and convenient, as you see. John, in his 
religion, as in all other matters, throws overboard 
everything that is inconvenient, or that might 
prevent his career from being rapid and prosper- 
ous. 

The confession over, the pastor gives the absolu- 
tion. This moral cleaning being thus concluded to 
the general satisfaction, the troop of spotless lambs 
begin to express their sense of relief in all manner 
of keys. 

The service terminates with a sermon, a very short 
sermon, which rarely lasts more than a quarter of 
an hour. As every one attends the church he likes 
best, and as there are many to choose from — Heaven 
knows how many ! — it is politic to render the ser- 
vice agreeable. The sermon is generally a very or- 
dinary production of the mind, and rendered still 
more tiresome to listen to by being read. " How 
do the Church of England clergy think I am going 
to remember their sermons, when they cannot re* 
member them themselves ? " said a Presbyterian 
friend to me one day. This practice of reading a 
sermon is accounted for in the follow^ing way : the 
members of the English Church differ upon certain 
questions of dogma, and a clergyman may preach a 
sermon that is displeasing to his flock. If complaint 
were made to the bishop of the diocese, the clergy- 
man might be called upon to produce the sermon in 
question. That is why he writes it, and reads it 
from the pulpit. I see another explanation of the 
practice in the following advertisement : ^* For sale^ 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. I99 

fifty sermons at moderate prices. Apply, by letter, 
to Clerictis^ Post Office, Manchester." 

I find in Pimch the following skit : "Ah ! sir, what 
wicked people there are in the world ! " says a 
worthy old woman to her vicar : ** they say you stole 
your sermons." 

*^ Tell them it is not true, my good woman. The 
sermons are mine. ... I paid for them." 

The Catholic Church, with cathedrals, cardinals, 
archbishops, bishops, and a numerous clergy to sup- 
port at her own expense, is obliged to turn every- 
thing to account in order to make the two ends meet. 

On Sundays, after service, the Catholic churches 
give concerts. These concerts are advertised in the 
newspapers, along with the theatres. You pay six- 
pence in the central nave, and threepence in the side 
seats. On ^rand occasions, when there is to be a 
solemn procession through the church, with a bishop 
in the rear, the prices are doubled : seats are a shil- 
ling, and sixpence. You receive a ticket on entering, 
just as you do at a theatrCc These concerts are all 
the more patronised because on Sundays there is no 
competition. Besides, some of them are excellent: 
there is a full orchestra, singers, and every attraction. 

The British public puts itself quite at its ease at 
these concerts ; you see that it has come to church 
to hear some music. It is rather peculiar to see the 
assembly turn their backs to the altar, so that they 
may face the orchestra, which is usually placed in a 
gallery, over the main entrance. 

I once accompanied to vespers, at the Catholic 
cathedral of Southwark, a lady with strongly pro- 
nounced Protestant views. When she saw the or- 



200 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

chestra and the lustres blazing with light, the poor 
lady was all bewildered : '' Do you think," she whis- 
pered to me, when we were seated, *' that I should 
look ridiculous, if I were to say my prayers ? " 

I must say that the services at Westminster Abbey 
and St. Paul's Cathedral are very imposing : the 
chants are splendid, simple, but grand. The sermons 
are preached by the greatest orators of the Anglican 
Church. 

In the dissenting churches, the prayer-book is dis- 
pensed with ; no liturgy is followed. The minister 
conducts the service unaided : he prays for the con- 
gregation, gives out the hymns, preaches a sermon, 
and concludes by passing' round his hat. The pro- 
ceeds of the collection are for him ; they are his fees. 

The collection is the hinge upon which the ser- 
vice turns ; the ^/^//, as we should say in French the- 
atrical slang. In France, the collection is made in a 
deep bag ; in England, the thing is managed more 
cleverly: a little salver is used. He who would be 
capable of putting a button into a bag, feels bound 
to display a piece of silver on a plate that is passed 
to him. The collector himself, on emerging from 
the vestry, places a few half-crowns and other silver 
coins on the plate, just as a consulting doctor places 
a sovereign on his desk : it is to tell you, " That is 
what is expected of you." When you go to mass in 
France, you must be there in time for the Gospel or 
it does not count ; in England, you must be there be- 
fore the collection. In England you will never find 
a clergyman committing the blunder of having the 
collection made at the door, after the service, when 
every one is in a hurry to go, and very few pay any 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 20I 

attention to the bag that is held out to them. Whilst 
you are all in your places, the plate is passed in front 
of you ; your right hand neighbour presents it to you, 
and you, in turn, pass it to the person on your left, 
and so on to the end of the seat, where the collector 
takes it, in order to hand it on to the next row of 
seats. Impossible to close your eyes and pretend to 
be asleep, as French church-goers are liable to do, 
when the priest simply rattles his bag at the end of 
the pew. 

The following English joke is stale, w^orn-out : Two 
shipwrecked sailors are just giving up all hope of 
being rescued. *^What can we do to recommend 
our souls to God ?*' says one of them ; " we do not 
know any prayer ; we do not know any hymn : what 
in the world could we do ? " 

** Let us make a collection,'* suggests the other. 



XXVIII. 

The Religions of England. 

If Christianity consists in going to church, and pass- 
ing one's life in discussing theological questions, 
then John Bull is mightily Christian ; if piety con- 
sists in quarrelling over the dogmas, instead of prac- 
tising the principles, of religion, then the piety of 
John is unequalled. The craze for religion has come 
to a mania. Let the religion be good or bad, no 
matter which it is, or what it is, it is better than none 
at all. In France, we boast of our foibles, even of 
many that are not to be found in us ; in England, 
people boast of their virtues, especially those they 
do not possess. The Frenchman is the braggart of 
vice, the Englishman is the hypocrite of virtue. 

Here, every religious belief is respected : the Sha- 
kers, the Ranters, the Peculiar People, the Salvation- 
ists ; Free-thinkers alone are excluded. When a man 
wants a situation, he presents himself to his future 
master as a Christian ; he advertises, in the papers, 
as a total abstainer. If, in France, he recommended 
himself as a good Christian, he would receive a per- 
emptory kick that would send him straight to para- 
dise. 

Every Englishman worships God after his own 
fashion. There exist here 183 religious sects certi- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 203 

fied to the Registrar-General. Each of these sects 
has naturally found the truth. As, unfortunately, 
no one has ever yet come back from the other world 
to tell what he has seen, it seems probable that there 
are yet many days of peace and plenty in store for 
the dervishes, the fakirs, and others who live in in- 
dolence upon the superstition and simplicity of the 
world. 

Christianity is admirable. Christians are often far 
from being so. I have more esteem for the Mahom- 
etans who follow up their religion. Show me the 
Christian who loves his neighbour as hiixiself ; who, 
when he has been struck on the right cheek, holds 
out his left ; who forgives his enemies ; who does 
not ask for that whicn has been takeu from him ; 
who does unto others as he would have others do 
unto him. 

Religion has lost much of its purity and sincerity 
from ceasing to be private, especially in England, 
where, owing to competition, to free trade applied 
to religious matters, every one aims at appearing 
better than his neighbours. Pray, not standing in 
the synagogues, nor upon the house-tops, but enter 
into thy closet and shut the'door, say the Scriptures. 
How many do so ? 

The Romanists swear by the Pope ; the Protes- 
tants by Luther and Calvin ; the Puritans by John 
Knox ; the Wesleyans by John Wesley ; the Salva- 
tionists by Mr., Mrs., and Miss Booth ; the Baptists 
of London crowd to the Tabernacle to listen eagerly 
to every word that falls from Mr. Spurgeon's lips. 
Some people believe themselves saved, if they can 
only touch the coat tails of Mr. Moody or Mr. San- 



204 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

key. I have seen women press the hands of these 
evangelists, as they passed through the throng on 
their way to the platform where they were going to 
preach, and go away happy. When Catholics have 
the gout, it is to Our-Lady-of-Lourdes, to Our-Lady- 
of-la-Salette, to la bienheureuse Germaine that they 
go : it is Sainte-Barbe that they implore to protect 
them from thunder and lightning ; the Deity would 
seem to play a very secondary part in the religion of 
all these people. 

In England, religion is the idea that absorbs and 
dominates all others. The prisons and mad-houses 
are full of religious maniacs. 

In France, when we hear of a great crime having 
been committed, we exclaim ; *^ Where is the wo- 
man ? " In England, sift the matter, and you will 
find a chapel. There are few bankrupts, really 
worthy of the name, that have not built a church or 
chapel to win the confidence of investors, and, may- 
be, also to offer to God a little of that which they 
had taken from men. On opening my newspaper 
to-day, I read of an individual charged with fraud- 
ulent bankruptcy. A worthy old lady, who had 
trusted him with stock, states that she had every 
confidence in the accused, especially since the day 
when he had refused a box at the Opera, which she 
had offered him, with the remark that he was happy 
to be able to say that he had never set foot in such a 
place. 

We all remember the sickening professions of 
religion that Guiteau, the vile and cowardly assassin 
of poor President Garfield, made day after day for 
months. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 205 

The United Kingdom possesses two State 
Churches. The Anglican Church, in England and 
Wales ; the Presbyterian Church, in Scotland. The 
State Church was abolished in Ireland in 1869. 

The Anglican Church is under the jurisdiction of 
two Archbishops, the Archbishop of Canterbury, 
primate of England, and the Archbishop of York, 
and of thirty bishops. The two archbishops and 
twenty-four bishops have seats in the House of Lords. 

The Scotch Church is under the jurisdiction of a 
General Assembly, composed of clerical and lay 
deputies, and presided over by a Moderator elected 
annually by the Assembly, and a High Lord Com- 
missioner appointed each year by the Crown. 

The principal Nonconformist Churches are : the 
Methodists, the Baptists, the Unitarians, the Con- 
gregationalists or Independents, and the Wesleyans- 

Out of a population of 81,000,000 souls in the 
United-Kingdom and the Colonies, 18,000,000 be- 
long to the Anglican Church ; 14,500,000 are Meth- 
odists ; 13,500,000, Catholics ; 10,250,000, Presby- 
terians ; 8,000,000, Baptists ; 6,000,000, Congrega- 
tionalists ; 1,000,000, Unitarians : and about 10,000,- 
000 belong to different sects of less importance. 

I will give a complete list of the hundred and 
eighty odd religious sects of England, reserving for 
special chapters those that present features of spe- 
cial interest. 

Here is the list : — 

The Advent Christians ; 

The Apostolics ; 

The Arminians, who, contrary to the Calvinists, 
believe that Christ saved all men by His death ; 



206 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

The Baptists, who deny that baptism should be re- 
ceived before the Christian has arrived at years of 
discretion and made a profession of faith ; 

The Baptized Believers ; 

The Believers in Christ, or Christians who believe 
that their prayers alone can influence the decrees of 
Divine Providence ; 

The believers in the Divine Visitation of Joanna 
Southcott, prophetess of Exeter, of whom I shall 
speak in another chapter ; 

The Benevolent Methodists ; 

The Bible Christians, or Bryanites, a sect founded 
in 1815, by William O'Bryan, and who receive the 
Communion seated ; 

The Bible Defence Association ; 

The Blue Ribbon Army, whose followers drink no 
alcoholic drink ; 

The Brethren, who practise no rites and have no 
ministers : they baptize one another. According to 
them, to preach the Gospel is to deny that the Sa- 
viour's work is finished ; 

The Calvinists, who deny the real presence ; 

The Calvinistic Baptists, who find the opinions of 
Wesley too Arminian ; 

The Catholic Apostolic Church ; 

The Christians, owning no name but the Lord 
Jesus ; 

The Christians, who object to be otherwise desig- 
nated ; 

The Christian Believers ; 

The Christian Brethren ; 

The Christian Disciples ; 

The Christian Eliasites ; 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 20/ 

The Christian Israelites ; 

The Christian Mission ; 

The Christian Teetotalers ; 

The Christian Temperance Men ; 

The Christian Unionists ; 

The Christadelphians ; 

The Anglican Church, itself divided into High 
Church, Low Church, and Broad Church. The ad- 
herents of the High Church, otherwise the Ritualists, 
adopt the confessional and grand ceremonies in 
imitation of the Roman Catholics. They do not re- 
cognise the authority of the Pope, and can therefore 
receive the financial support of the State. The Low 
Church affects an almost Calvinistic austerity, and 
is very much akin to Dissent. The Broad Church 
party does not belicA^e in hell, and counts, amongst 
its clergy, some of the most illustrious names of 
England. The late Dean Stanley was the brightest 
ornament of the Broad Church. 

The Church of Scotland ; 

The Scotch Free Church ; 

The Church of Christ ; 

The Church of the People ; 

The Church of Progress ; 

The Congregationalists, who appoint their own 
ministers, and have no settled form of prayer ; 

The Countess of Huntingdon's Connexion, who 
adopt the Church of England Prayer-Book. This 
sect was founded in the eighteenth century by Lady 
Selina Shirley, Countess of Huntingdon ; 

The Covenanters, a sect founded in the sixteenth 
century, when the Protestant Church was thought 
to be in danger ; 



208 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

The Coventry Mission Band ; 

The Danish Lutherans ; 

The Disciples in Christ ; 

The Disciples of Jesus Christ. Sect founded by 
Mr. Thomas Campbell, who proposed to set aside 
all questions of dogma, and to establish the unity of 
the Church of the Saviour ; 

The Eastern Orthodox Greek Church ; 

The Eclectics ; 

The Episcopalian Dissenters ; 

The Evangelical Free Church ; 

The Evangelical Mission ; 

The Evangelical Unionists, founded in Scotland 
in 1840, by Mr. James Morrison, who proclaimed the 
greatest sin to be a want of belief that Christ has, 
by His death, saved all men, past, present, or un- 
born ; 

The Followers of the Lord Jesus Christ ; 

The Free Catholic Christian Church ; 

The Free Christians ; 

The Free Christian Association ; 

The Free Church ; 

The Episcopal Free Church ; 

The Free Church of England ; 

The Free Evangelical Christians ; 

The Free Grace Gospel Christians ; 

The Free Gospel and Christian Brethren ; 

The Free Gospel Church ; 

The Free Gospellers ; 

The Free Methodists ; 

The Free Union Church ; 

The General Baptists ; 

The General Baptist New Connexion ; 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 209 

The German Evangelical Community ; 

The Strict Baptists ; 

The German Lutherans ; 

The German Roman Catholics ; 

The Glassites, a sect founded in Scotland, in the 
eighteenth century, by John Glass, into which mem- 
bers are admitted with a holy kiss. The followers 
of John Glass abstain from all animal food that has 
not been bled ; 

The Glory Band ; 

The Greek Catholic Church ; 

The Halifax Psychological Society ; 

The Hallelujah Band, whose services consist en- 
tirely of thanksgiving ; 

The Hope Mission ; 

The Humanitarians, who deny the divinity of the 
Saviour ; 

The Independents ; 

The Independent Methodists ; 

The Independent Religious Reformers ; 

The Independent Unionists ; 

The Inghamites, followers of Mr, Benjamin Ing- 
ham, son-in-law of the famous Countess of Hun- 
tingdon ; 

The Israelites ; 

The Irish Presbyterian Church ; 

The Jews ; 

The Lutherans, who, contrary to the Calvinists, 
believe in the real presence ; 

The Methodist Reform Union ; 

The Missionaries ; 

The Modern Methodists ; 

The Moravians ; 



2IO JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND, 

The Mormons ; 

The Newcastle Sailors' Society ; 

The New Church ; 

The New Connexion General Baptists ; 

The New Wesleyans ; 

The New Jerusalem Church ; 

The New Methodists ; 

The Old Baptists ; 

The Open Baptists; 

The Order of St. Austin ; 

The Orthodox Eastern Church ; 

The Particular Baptists ; 

The Peculiar People, who trust in Providence to 
cure them of all ills ; 

The Plymouth Brethren ; 

The Polish Protestant Church ; 

The Portsmouth Mission ; 

The Presbyterian Church in England, founded by 
the Puritans ; 

The Presbyterian Baptists ; 

The Primitive Congregation ; 

The Primitive Free Church ; 

The Primitive Methodists ; 

The Progressionists ; 

The Protestant Members of the Church of Eng- 
.and ; 

The Protestant Trinitarians ; 

The Protestant Union ; 

The Providence ; 

The Quakers ; 

The Ranters, whose worship consists in jumping 
and clapping of hands ; 

The Rational Christians ; 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 2X1 

The Reformers ; 

The Reformed Church of England ; 

The Reformed Episcopal Church ; 

The Reformed Presbyterians or Covenanters ; 

The Recreative Religionists ; 

The Revivalists ; 

The Roman Catholics ; 

The Salem Society ; 

The Sandemanians, who are identical with Glass- 
ites, Mr. Robert Sandeman having been the most 
fervent follower of Mr. Glass ; 

The Scotch Baptists ; 

The Second Advent Brethren, who wait for the 
second coming of the Messiah ; 

The Secularists, who believe that the affairs of 
this world should be thought of before those of the 
next, and that religion cannot pretend to the 
monopoly of what is good and moral ; 

The Separatists, who hold their goods at the dis- 
position of brethren in distress, and refuse to take 
oath ; 

The Seventh-Day Baptists ; 

The Shakers, a sect founded by Ann Lee, who had 
a divine revelation, wherein it was revealed to her 
that the lust of the flesh was the cause of the de- 
pravity of man ; 

The Society of the New Church ; 

The Spiritual Church ; 

The Spiritualists, who believe they have inter- 
course with the spirits of the other world ; 

The Swedenborgians, a sect founded by Emman- 
uel Swedenborg, in 1688 ; 

The Temperance Methodists ; 
14 



212 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

The Trinitarians ; 

The Union Baptists ; 

The Unionists ; 

The Socinians, or Unitarians, who reject the doc 
trine of the Trinity, and deny the divinity ox 
Christ : they differ but little from the Humanitar^' 
ans ; 

The Unitarian Baptists ; 

The Unitarian Christians ; 

The United Christian Church ; 

The United Free Methodist Church ; 

The United Presbyterians ; 

The Universal Christians, whose belief is, that 
God will one day call all Christians to Himself, 
whether they have been good or bad in this world ; 
that sin does not go unpunished, but is punished in 
this life ; 

The Welsh Calvinists ; 

The Welsh Presbyterians ; 

The Welsh Wesleyans ; 

The Wesleyans ; 

The Wesleyan Methodists ; 

The Wesleyan Reformers ; 

The Wesleyan Reform Glory Band ; 

The Working Man's Evangelistic Mission. 

Here ends the list of salvation agencies in Eng- 
land. If John Bull does not go straight to Paradise 
it will not be his fault, as you see. 

I will now give a few details concerning some of 
these sects that appear more interesting than the 
others. 



XXIX. 

More Religious Sects to follow — No Popery— Good Friday — Cal- 
vinism in Scotland — The Mormons of the Salt Lake Valley — 
Marriage of the Maid of Orleans — The Quakers — The Shakers 
— Why do we go to Church ? 

New sects are being founded every day. Let an 
obscure minister discover a new interpretation of 
some passage of Holy Scripture, he will soon attract 
a congregation, make an appeal to the pockets of 
his adherents — an appeal always responded to — and 
then build his little conventicle. One often receives 
a circular couched in such terms as these : — ^* Sir — 
For some time past the want of a new chapel has 
been felt in the neighbourhood. The Reverend Mr. 
X. is ready to undertake the duties of pastor as soon 
as the necessary funds for building him a chapel have 
been subscribed.'* First a little edifice in wood is 
erected ; then the collections swell, and zinc replaces 
wood, and, provided the zeal of the congregation 
does not cool down, you soon see a fine stone church 
arise on the spot. 

London will soon possess a Theistic church, 
founded by a gentleman who, for four or five years 
past, has been using every argument in his powder to 
prove that God the Father alone should be wor- 
shipped. Funds arrive but slowly, and the gentle- 
man in question feels indignant. "Theism," he 



214 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

says, *' has many believers ; then why do they not 
frankly avow their belief, and come to me." It ap- 
pears he has only collected ;^6,ooo, and does not 
consider it enough for a building that would be 
worthy of the sect he is called to edify. 

There is also being prepared, at the present time, 
a church of the Holy Apostles, where grand spec- 
tacular performances will be given by the aid of an 
orchestra, professional singers, etc. The altar is to 
be surrounded by gigantic statues representing the 
apostles. At the back, in the midst of sombre mas- 
sive rocks, will shine forth a luminous crucifix. The 
services will be sung by 200 choristers, accompanied 
upon stringed instruments, the harp especially. The 
interior will be illuminated by means of an immense 
silver gilt cross, at the extremities of which will be 
electric lamps. It promises to be a grand affair, as 
you see. The organiser of these fetes, the impresario^ 
is a nice young priest of the Anglican Church, 
w^hose good looks obtain for him the admiration of 
the fairer half of his parishioners. 

Of all the religions enumerated in the preceding 
chapter, the Roman Catholic and Apostolic is the 
least popular. '* No Popery ! " is still the cry of the 
English people. The Quakers, the Jumpers, the Sal- 
vationists, the Ranters, none of these alarm them ; 
but a black, shaven priest calls up memories of the 
stake and Bloody Mary. " A scalded child dreads 
the fire," say the English. The hatred of popery is 
pushed to the verge of absurdity. Thus, for in- 
stance, Good Friday is considered, especially by 
Dissenters, as a day of public rejoicing, a kind of 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 21$ 

Bank Holiday ; the great thing is to do the very op- 
posite of that which is done in Rome. ^^ This is the 
day on which Jesus died : let us spend it in retire- 
ment," we say in France. " This is the day on which 
Christ saved us : let us rejoice," say the English. In 
spite of this, most English people still abstain from 
eating meat on Good Friday. 

To see Protestantism in all its austerity, you must 
go to Scotland ; there Calvinism in all its severity is 
practised. You see, in Scotland, trifling is not coun- 
tenanced ; nothing is done by halves ; no levity or 
frivolity is tolerated. I know a Scotch Presbyterian 
minister who teaches the Lord's prayer to his chil- 
dren cane in hand ; each hesitation or mistake is 
punished by a good cut across the back of the small 
supplicant. In the eyes of these gloomy Christians, 
gaiety is to be regarded with suspicion ; a joke is a 
sin ; for is it not an act of frivolity ? and must not 
every idle word be given account of one day ? The 
Scotch are a virtuous people ; a people in earnest, 
if ever there was one. 

The Mormon Church, so flourishing in America, 
admits Polygamy and Theocracy. Not content with 
the wives he has had in this world, the Mormon can 
also aspire to contract marriage in the next. Indeed, 
it is a practice of the Mormon Church to recom- 
pense an exemplary life by marrying the defunct to 
some great departed soul in the abode of the Elect. 
In 1876, a friend of mine paid a visit to Salt Lake 
City, and was introduced to a Russian princess, at 
present the wife of a Mormon bishop. The follow- 
ing are a few of the impressions which the lady com- 



2l6 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

municated to my friend. " My first husband has 
been dead twelve years ; he was very good to me, 
but, in spite of that, I have no respect for his mem- 
ory, because he did not treat his other wives with 
the same kindness and affection that he showed for 
me ; and, according to our religion, a man should 
not show a preference for one of his wives. As to 
our second husband, — ah ! sir, what a man ! — what a 
saint ! We do not mourn for him, we envy his lot ; 
he sojourns in the realms of the blest ; and, last 
year, sir, we married him, in our church, to the 
Maid of Orleans." 

The Quakers are so named, because of the con- 
tortions, which the first followers of the sect gloried 
in making, while they worshipped, with the idea of 
trembling before their Maker. The Quakers never 
kneel except to the Supreme Being. They lift their 
hats to nobody, address every one as thee and thou^ 
refuse to take oath, and will not serve in the army, 
because, according to their belief, war is sinful. 
They have no sacraments. This sect, also called the 
Society of Friends, recognises no consecration ; any 
member may speak in their meetings. Complete si- 
lence is observed, until one of these new convulsion-- 
naires^ moved by the Holy Spirit, begins to pray and 
gesticulate. This sect was founded in 1650, by a 
Leicestershire shoemaker named George Fox. Mr. 
John Bright, the great English statesman, is a 
Quaker : this explains his leaving the Ministry of 
Mr. Gladstone, in 1882, when the latter decided on 
invading Egypt. 

The American Shakers are now the nearest ap- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 21/ 

proach to the original Quakers. Their religious 
service is conducted on this wise : — The men and 
women range themselves in lines, facing one another, 
and then clap their hands, jump, and shout, until 
they fall to the ground, exhausted and breathless. 
If a new sect, worshipping God by walking on their 
hands, were formed to-morrow, it would surprise no- 
body very much. There is nothing to hinder it, 
and given a church, chapel, or meeting-house, there 
is no form of worship, however senseless, that may 
not freely be indulged in, unhindered by law. In 
this church-going country, it does not matter what 
your religious belief is, provided you go to some 
place of worship. 

" Why do you come to church ? ** I heard the 
clergyman of a little Protestant Church in Devonshire 
exclaim one day from the pulpit. ** I will tell you 
the reason. Some of you come to look as good as 
your neighbours, or better ; you farmers, my Lord's 
te t s , come to please your landlord ; you trades- 
people, to inspire your customers with confidence in 
you ; you young women, to display your new 
dresses ; in fact, you all go to church, because 
you know you are nowhere, if you don't go to 
church." 

It is but right that, in this volume, treating of the 
topics of the day, I should reserve a special chapter 
to the Salvationists, the heroes of the moment. 



XXX. 

The Salvation Army — Blasphemous Placards— Dervishes — Salra- 
tion Army Services — How the Wicked go down to Hell — A 
'cute General — Salvation Pills — The Peculiar People — Joanna 
Southcott and the Jumpers. 

Aiix grands matix les grands remedes. There were 
the lower classes to be saved, the people who, as I 
have already said, never think of setting foot in a 
church. The Protestant church did not want them, the 
Dissenters did not want them, the Catholic religion, 
with its mystic music and Latin services, would have 
produced upon them the effect of a pantomime ; the 
street-preachers are monotonous to listen to, and only 
attract a few idlers and loiterers : it became neces- 
sary to adopt energetic means. Plans were laid 
for awakening the fanatic that slumbers, even be- 
neath the humble vest of the lowest Englishman. 

For a small consideration, about a hundred 
workmen were enrolled ; and then, with the stand- 
ard of salvation raised, and drums beating, these 
recruits were paraded dancing, jumping, gesticulat- 
ing, and shouting along the London streets, to the 
amazement and intense amusement of the population. 
" Laugh if you like," cried the new proselytes, ** you 
are going to hell and we are saved ; we are on the 
laughing side." And on they went jumping the 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 219 

higher, and shouting the louder : ** Cry out and 
shout, drink water, and praise the Lord." 

Money soon poured in from all quarters : a shower 
of guineas. England is always ready to put her 
hand in her pocket when funds are needed for propa- 
gating a philanthropical or religious idea. Crowds 
of converts soon swelled the ranks ; little companies 
grew into big battalions ; and this association, which 
not long ago, had but a few hundred adherents in 
the country, has now grown to an army of four hun- 
dred thousand well disciplined soldiers, commanded 
by sergeants, lieutenants, captains and colonels, with 
a general at their head : the whole hierarchy. 

The Salvation Army, intoxicated with success, 
continues its triumphal march from town to town, 
all through the country, and threatens to become a 
plague, neither more nor less. Not satisfied with 
holding its meetings in its barracks (this is the name 
given to their Bedlams, by these people), it sends de- 
tachments, headed by a band, to convert a certain 
neighbourhood, street or house. Woe betide you if 
your salvation should appear to some agent of the 
Salvation Army to be doubtful. A detachment will 
come and boldly plant itself under your windows, 
with trombones, cornets, tambourines and big drum, 
a cacophony fit to make your hair stand on end. 
*' The devil is there ; let us fire a volley ! '* they will 
cry, and whether you like it or not, you must be 
saved, unless you take the wise precaution of saving 
yourself, by flight. The police either dare not or 
will not interfere, and you have but one course open 
to you , it is to set aside the work you are engaged 
in, or the book you are reading, to go and soothe 



220 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the cries of your terrified baby, and just wait till 
these savages have bawled themselves hoarse, and 
retired. 

The Salvation Army has its newspaper the War 
Cry, its head-quarters, its general staff, and, what is 
still more grave, its banker. 

The different regiments receive their orders from 
the General in command. These proclamations, 
which are certainly a little blasphemous, are pla- 
carded about in public places. I will give you one 
or two. I copied the first at Scarborough. 

** Captain Condy, the American tambourine player, 
and male and female warriors, with an army of blood 
and fire soldiers, will march through Scarborough 
to-day. 

^* At 6.30 a.m., knee-drill and handkerchief prac- 
tice ; at 10.30 arrival of the Holy Ghost ; at 2.30 p.m., 
spiking of the enemy's cannon ; at 6.30, fire and 
blazes on the whole line ; at 8.30, Hallelujah gallop. 

" On Monday, at 2.30 p.m., the American tam- 
bourinist will sing and speak in the name of Jesus, 
with other officers ; at 6.30 the soldiers will meet at 
the barracks for the Parade, in full uniform : red 
handkerchiefs, white jackets and aprons, and hallelujah 
bonnets compulsory. 

*' Rebels will be offered conditions of peace. 

"The surgeon of the army will attend to the 
wounded. 

" By order of King Jesus and Captain Cadman." 

I read the following placard at Torquay on regatta 
day in 1882 : — 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 221 

** Salvation Army. 

** Gigantic meeting presided over by Major Pavey, 
Captain Davies, and Captain Harry. 

*^ At II a.m. reception of the Holy Ghost. 

**At noon, departure from the barracks, and tri- 
umphal march through the enemy's camp. 

** At 2 p.m. a grand battle. 

** A meeting in the fortress at 9.30 p.m. when red- 
hot gospel shots will be fired into the ranks of the 
devil's slaves." (By these latter are meant the harm- 
less spectators of the races.) 

**N.B. — A great surgeon (Jesus Christ) will be 
present to attend to the sick and wounded." 

I one day went into one of the barracks of the Sal- 
vationists. The service was about to begin. The 
orchestra was composed of a trombone, two cornets, 
one tambourine, and two big drums. The latter in- 
strument is the basis of all English music. I re- 
member one day hearing the band of the first regi- 
ment of Royal Artillery play a fantasia on airs from 
the Pre aux Clercs. When they came to Reiidez-iitoi 
7na patrie^ the big drum struck up, and marked the 
time with formidable, emphatic strokes. To return 
to our heroes, they were yelling amid repeated 
rounds of applause an endless hymn, with the re- 
frain, "Jesus is mine," when a fine fellow of about 
twenty years old stepped upon the platform, clapped 
his hands, and began turning round and round, till at 
last he fell senseless to the floor. The assembly rose 
to their feet as one man, and exclaimed : " He is 
saved ! He is saved ! " 

" Not yet," cried a sceptic, who had taken up his 



222 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

position near the door, all ready to decamp in case 
of necessity. 

Thereupon another Salvationist began to pray : 
^' Listen to the scoffers ! " said he. ^^ The devil is in 
our midst." 

'^ The devil is in our midst ! " repeated the assem« 
bly. 

" Let us turn him out ! " said the orator. 

"Let us turn him out 1 " replied his hearers, with 
one voice. 

The devil did not wait until a decision was arrived 
at. He made off without delay. 

The wags are very annoying. I remember hear- 
ing one ask a pretty Salvationist if she felt saved. 
"What's that to you?" replied she. "Just hold 
your tongue, and mind your owm business ! " 

The prayers at these meetings generally take the 
form of a litany : " O Lord, save the English na- 
tion, thy chosen people." 

"Amen ! " reply the congregation. 

" Thou hast saved us, but there remain many yet 
who serve the devil ; save them." 

"Amen!" 

And so on, until the resources of the orator's 
imagination are exhausted. 

The numbers of the Salvationists and the banking 
account of the Army have attracted the attention of 
ecclesiastical authorities. And, indeed, there would 
be a nice little addition to be made to the revenues 
of the Anglican Church by admitting the Salvation 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 223 

Army into its bosom. The Archbishop of Canter- 
bury sent them five pounds towards the purchase of 
barracks. The Queen herself went as far as to send 
tliem her 7noral support. The Queen, as head of the 
English Church, could not compromise herself by 
making a p^fesent, which belonged by right to the 
State Church. Besides, principles of economy are 
known to be studied in the Ro^^al Family. 

Housekeepers begin to make bitter complaints 
against the Army. • Servants get restless ; they feel 
the need of being saved ; and there is always a cap- 
tain, or at least a sergeant, ready to lend a helping 
hand. 

I read in a police-court report the other day, 
that a poor girl had been saved by a member of 
the Salvation Army, who had taken her to his 
lodgings in order to make more sure of success. 
The saintly man had also robbed her of the few 
trinkets she possessed. " Well ! " as my missionary 
friend remarked, ''we are none of us perfect." 

The War Cry announces the conversion of Jane 
Johnson. It is a sad pity : the metropolis has thus 
lost one of its most interesting types. Jane Johnson 
is sixty-eight years of age, and has undergone two 
hundred and ninety-six condemnations for drunken- 
ness. In spite of the time she has spent in prison, 
Jane, the champion drunkard of the world, enjoys 
very good health, and there is every reason for be- 
lieving that, had it not been for the deplorable in- 
tervention of the Salvation Army, which cut short 
her career in the prime of life, her end might have 



224 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND, 

been worthy of her life ; she might have died, as she 
had always lived, ad 77iajorem glor lain public anu^ 

This grotesque state of things is the natural result 
of that constant splitting up into sects that the Re- 
formed Church has undergone ever since the days 
of Cromwell. Many dissenting churches have set 
the example by vulgarising their services. They 
tried to make religion attractive, and they made it 
ludicrous. Ministers, transformed into actors, have 
been idolised, nay, almost worshipped, by con- 
gregations, who saw in them a. Saviour, instead of 
lifting their eyes to Heaven. How many are there 
who would not go to church to worship God, but 
v/ho go with willing feet to hear their dear minister ? 
The original intention was good, but these perform- 
ances have nevertheless helped to produce the re- 
sults that I have attempted to describe in the present 
chapter. 

One of the most eminent dissenting ministers — I 
might say the most eminent — took it into his head 
one day, in the midst of his sermon, to get astride 
the balusters of the pulpit staircase, and to let him. 
self glide to the foot of it. '^ There, my dear breth- 
ren," said he, on reappearing at the top, '* that is how 
the wicked go down to hell" Titters, and* almost 
applause, from the congregation. 

I cannot take leave of the Salvation Army without 
savino: a word or two about the General. 



* At the moment of going to press, I hear with pleasure that 
Jane has just been condemned to eight days' imprisonment for her 
darling little failing. I am really glad of it t it would have been 
such a pity to spoil so interesting a career. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 225 

The Army recognises no authority but that of the 
General. He is all-powerful. He has the handling 
and management of the funds. . He baptizes, mar- 
ries, saves, or damns, the thousands of geese who 
obey his voice. The General's wife is as active as 
himself in the apostolic work that the family has 
undertaken. His sons and daughters are colonels, 
commanding detachments of the Army. 

In the month of October, 1882, the General mar- 
ried his son to a young Salvationist. A large hall 
had been chosen for the occasion, and the price of 
admission fixed at a shilling. The iron must be 
struck while it is hot : who knows how long the tem- 
porary insanity of the Salvationists will last ? 

The hall was thronged ; the young couple were 
blessed beyond the hopes of the General and his 
family. Six thousand persons at a shilling each, 
that made three hundred -pounds. 

The General is no fool. 

I cannot imagine why, in this country, where 
advertising is so successful, the General has not 
yet invented a celestial mixture, or salvation pills. 
Salvation pills ! What a tremendous success they 
would have ! The General might insert in the War 
Cry testimonials something in the style of the fol- 
lowing. 

** Dear General, — On Saturday night I took one 
of your marvellous — I should say miraculous — pills. 
I went to bed a hardened sinner : I woke up con- 
verted. A few more pills, and I shall be a saint. 
Every one ought to have some of these pills in 
his bedroom. You may make what use you please 
I? 



226 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

of this letter. I enclose a P.O.O. for two and six, 
and beg you to send me a box of salvation pills for 
my wife." 

A peculiar faith is the faith of the Peculiar Peo- 
ple. So great is their faith in God that, when any 
of the fraternity fall ill, no doctor is called to their 
bedside, because, say they, to call in a doctor is 
to insult God and prove that you have no confidence 
in Him '^ If it is the Lord's will that I should die, 
let His will be done. Nothing can save me ; if it is 
His will that I should recover, then He can save me 
without the help of any doctor." 

I could not better describe to you the religious 
opinions of the sect, which, by the way, has numer- 
ous followers, than by giving you an extract from 
the account of a trial, at which a father was accused 
of having caused the death of his child by negli- 
gence. 

Magistrate. — *'Your child died. You refused to 
send for a doctor, did you not ? " 

Prisoner. — '' It was the Lord's will that he should 
die, no doctor could have saved him." 

Magistrate. — '^ But when you saw your child was 
dangerously ill, do you not think it was your duty 
to have called in a doctor ? " 

Priso7ier. — *'No, I fear the Lord, and place my 
trust in Him." 

Magistrate. — '^ But suppose, for instance, that you 
were run over by a carriage and had your leg broken, 
would you not send for the doctor ? " 

Prisoner, — ^' Such a thing could not happen to 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 22/ 

me. God protects me, and He has said that not a 
bone of the just shall be broken." 

Magistraie. — ^^ But supposing they should break ?" 

Prisoner, — ** It is impossible to suppose it." 

Magistrate — ^^ I respect all religious opinions. But 

once more, do you not consider that you ought to 

have called in medical aid, when you saw your child's 

life in danger ? " 

Prisoner. — " No. If God had not been willing that 
he should die, he could not have died. Ah ! gentle- 
men of the jury, if you really believed in God, you 
would not allow such questions to be put to me. 
When we have a sick person in our houses, we anoint 
him wuth oil, and we pray according to the command 
given us in the Epistle of St. James. If God is 
pleased to take him from us, we submit ourselves to 
His divine will." 

The whole account of the case appeared in the 
newspapers of the 24th January, 1883. 

Two months later, the same man was prosecuted 
for having allowed a second child to die under the 
same circumstances. 

After all, I do not know that there is anything 
very extraordinary in this belief, for such a free and 
free-trading people as the English. A medical stu- 
dent, who cannot obtain his diploma by exarnination 
in England, has only to go to Scotland to obtain one 
without difficulty, or to America to buy one. There 
are plenty of people ready to trust their friends in 
his hands. This being so, it is not very wonderful 
that there should be others to be found who prefer 
trusting: to Providence. 



228 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

There arose in Devonshire, in the early part of the 
century, a religious sect named the Jumpers. Its 
originator was Joanna Southcott, a woman who gave 
out that she was possessed by the spirit of the Virgin 
Mary. The doctrine she taught w^as intended to 
prove that the devil is everywhere, and that Christians 
should jump upon him. The higher they jumped, 
the more heavily they would come dowm on him, and 
the more chance they had of being saved. The devil 
did not enjoy life just then, I can assure you. These 
worthy folks had their chapels, where they jumped 
to their hearts' content, without uttering a word. The 
Jumpers have not yet altogether disappeared. At one 
time, Joanna Southcott believed herself to be enciente, 
by the Holy Spirit. Her followers made great prep- 
arations for the worthy reception of the Holy Child 
that was expected. Unhappily they were disap- 
pointed ; Joanna died and carried her secret with her 
to the tomb. The Southcottians, \vho believe Joanna 
to be no other than the woman of the desert spoken 
of by St. John in the Book of Revelation, still look 
for her resurrection. Good luck to them ! 



XXXI. 

The English Nation no other than the Lost Ten Tribes of Israel— 
The Anglo-Israel Identity Society — Seventy-seven Proofs of 
Identity — Tender-handed, touch the nettle, and it stings you 
for your pains ; grasp it like a man of mettle, and it soft as silk 
remains — Wanted more Missionaries — A New^ Proof of Identity. 

Brought up in the Bible, the English nation must 
have had all its sympathies enlisted on behalf of that 
nation, ungrateful, cowardly and bloodthirsty, but 
chosen of God, before whom the walls of besieged 
towns fell at sound of trumpets, to whom the Lord 
spoke in person, and for whom he fought by show- 
ering hailstones on their enemies. 

At the destruction of Jerusalem, the Jews were 
dispersed : I mean the Jews of the tribes of Judah 
and Levi, otherw^ise called the children of the House 
of Judah. The other ten tribes, that is to say, the 
children of Israel, were lost sight of entirely, and 
historians have never been able to discover a trace 
of them. 

John Bull, who attributes his successes in this 
world to his superiority to all other nations in reli- 
gious matters, said to himself : ** Who knows? might 
I not be the lost child of Israel? " 

*' It is certain that I do great things, that I am the 
Elect of Heaven by special appointment ; is it not 
just possible that he who commanded the sun to 



230 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

Stand still was an ancestor of mine ? '* And so, he 
tried to identify himself with that people who 
crossed the Red Sea without wetting the sole of their 
feet. 

A society has been formed, in England, under the 
name of the ** Anglo-Israel Identity Society," with 
the object of proving that the inhabitants of Great 
Britain are none other than the lost ten tribes of the 
House of Israel This Society has not been idle : up 
to the present time, it has discovered no fewer than 
seventy-seven proofs, all taken from Scripture, of the 
identity in question. About a hundred books and 
pamphlets upon the subject have been published^ 
adherents have thronged in, and the nation need no 
longer be surprised at its successes ; the finger of 
God is in its work. 

These proofs of identity are rather clever. I will 
give you a few. 

* * The children of Israel were to inhabit islands lying 
north-west from Palestine^ and to speak a language that 
was not Hebrezv. 

** The English inhabit islands ; those islands lie 
north-west from Palestine, and their language is com- 
posed of about 43,000 words of Latin, Germanic, or 
Celtic origin. 

"The Semitic element is absent. 

** Israel was to possess colonies in all parts of thi 
earthy 

Thus do they interpret the third verse of Isaiah 
(liv.) : ^^ Thou shall break forth on the right hand, 
and on the left, and thy seed shall inherit the Gen* 
tiles and make the desolate cities to be inhabited." 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 23 1 

I must quote a few extracts from the pamphlets 
of the Society. It is doing a great deal of honour to 
such writings to reproduce them, even in such an 
unpretentious book as this, but it is interesting to 
show to what a pitch stupidity can be carried, when 
national vanity and religious mania have a hand in 
the matter. 

** Whether we desire it or not, we must possess 
colonies ; it is our destiny. The Dutch and the 
Spaniards have had colonies and lost them, almost 
all, what paltry ones they have must soon cede away 
from them. The French virtually have none. The 
Germans have tried and failed ; but the British na- 
tion has flourishing colonies in all parts of the world, 
and urgently requires more yet. The Turkish Em- 
pire is on the eve of ruin, and as Constantinople will 
be ours by right, we shall have to take immediate 
possession of it. Constantinople is the very gate of 
highway to our largest and best foreign possession 
— India, with her teeming millions and her forty dis- 
tinct languages." 

" Israet must have a nation from her, but independent 
of her.'' 

"There is much reason to thank God," says one 
of these productions, ^^ that America can celebrate 
year by year her Declaration of Independence." 

Again : *^ America is a great nation ; hallelujah ! 
it was ordained that she should separate herself 
from us." 

Jonathan succeeded, in 1776, in sending John Bull 
about his business vi et arniis ; and the result is, that 
John has the greatest respect for him ; he never 



232 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

loses an opportunity of whispering a flattering word 
in his ear. 

** Tender-handed, touch the nettle, 
And it stings you for your pains ; 
Grasp it like a man of mettle. 
And it soft as silk remains." 

^^ Israel must now be under a monarchy ^ 

I will admit that no monarchy appears to me to be 
so firmly established as that of England. 

" Israel cannot be conquered in their isles ^ and must 
conquer against all odds'' 

"The French, the Russians, the Spanish, the Dutch, 
the Chinese, the Indians, the Germans, the Austrians, 
and the Italians, cannot any of them be Israel, be- 
cause they have been defeated." 

^' The British alone have never been defeated ; 
ergo^ they must be Israel." 

This trash is printed, at the author's expense I 
need not tell you, but, however, printed it is. 

I will quote again : 

'' We are the only nation that can dare to face 
fearful odds. This seal of Identity with Israel was 
verified in the Peninsular War, when the Duke of 
Wellington withstood, by a small army, nearly the 
entire forces of the continent'' (Do not stare with in- 
credulity ; it is all written down in plain characters : 
I have not imagination enough to write history in such 
a style as that, believe me.) '* We withstood the peo- 
ple of China, computed by millions, with only a few 
boat-loads of men, and prevailed against them ! We 
hold India, with her teeming millions, under the 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 233 

power of a few white men. We prevailed against 
Russia at the Crimea, with but a very small force. 
(Not one w^ord about the two hundred thousand poor 
fools of Frenchmen that were there, to say nothing 
of the forty thousand Turks.) And our victories 
over the Ashantees, the Afghans, the Zulus, and the 
Egyptians ! If they had all to be counted we should 
never have done." Nevertheless let us have done 
quickly, with your consent ; it is sickening. The 
preceding lines have been extracted, however, from 
one of the most serious books, published under the 
auspices of the Society : ex uno disce omnes. In mak- 
ing its lists of victorious campaigns, you may notice 
that the Society has prudently omitted to mention 
that of the Transvaal. The fact of the Boers having 
given John a sound thrashing, would naturally have 
made it a little less easy to establish the thirty-third 
proof of identity. The sturdy Boers are now mas- 
ters in their own country, and modern Israel never 
mentions them, except with the greatest respect. 

" Israel must be a Sabbath-keeping peopled 

"Ah!" cries the Identity Society, ^* is not our 
metropolis a sign, a wonder, and an astonishment 
each recurring Sabbath to every foreigner who visits 
our shores ? it is indeed a sublime spectacle. Four 
millions of the busiest population of the world vol- 
untarily close almost every house of business, almost 
every place of public amusement or of recreation, 
cutting themselves off from the surrounding world 
for twenty-four hours. Post-offices completely shut, 
telegraphs and railways all but standing still, the 
vast majority of the citizens rest from the labours of 



234 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

the week ; and why ?— London keepeth Sabbath.'^ 
This is not exact : the provinces have their Sunday 
post ; telegrams can be sent on Sundays ; and the 
London trains are only stopped during the hours of 
morning service. The public-houses remain open, 
and it is well known that there are more burglaries 
committed on Sundays than on any other day. If 
would appear that the House of Israel does not re^ 
so completely on the Sabbath as the Society wou?.-^ 
have us believe. 

^* Israel shall be a prolific race.'' 

God did indeed promise Abraham that he shouH 
be the father of multitudes, that his descendants 
should be as numerous as the stars of the heaven. 
Jacob, in his dream, was told by the Lord that he 
should possess the ground upon which he reposed, 
and that his children should be as the dust of the 
earth. 

*' Where is there to be found," says the Society, 
"a nation that multiplies as rapidly as the British ?" 

It is a fact that the Anglo-Saxon races, at the rate 
at which they are multiplying at present, will, in 
the year 2,000, number 1,837 millions. The Quar- 
terly Scientific Review for the month of June, 1873, 
tells us that the Anglo-Saxons double their popula- 
tion, in Europe, in fifty-six years ; in the colonies, in 
twenty -five years ; w^hilst the Germans take a hun- 
dred, and the French a hundred and forty years to 
double theirs. 

Ergo, England must be Israel. 

^' What a number of children you have in this 
country ! " I remarked one day to an Englishman. 



. JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 235 

^*Well, you see," he replied, "we have so few 
other distractions ! '* 

*^ The House of Israel shall send inissionaries to the 
ends -of the earth, " 

This proof is taken from the Bible (Isa. xliii. 21) : 
" This people have I formed for Myself : they shall 
show forth My praise." England sends missionaries 
to all parts of the world ; but these commercial 
travellers of the Bible Society, excellent political 
agents, I must say, are unfortunately sent to the 
wrong address : they go where their services are not 
required. 

De cette verite deux fablesferontfoi : 

In the colony of Natal, a Zulu sold a Christian 
a tough fowl. A few days after, the latter com- 
plained. What did the savage do ? He gave the 
white man another fowl and refused his money. 

I know an Englishman, whose name is Legion, 
who bought of a London poulterer an old rook that 
had been recommended to him as a tender youngf 
chicken fresh from Devonshire. What did the civil- 
ised man do ? Knowing the poulterer to be no Zulu, 
he made the best of his bad bargain and broken 
teeth. 

Why do not the missionaries all stay in London ? 
What a splendid field for their labours ! 

Can it be thou, O Israel, chosen child of the Lord, 
who hast changed the standard weight of the sanctu- 
ary into a t^omie a tout faire ? Change thy shouts of 
joy into bitter lamentations, O Jerusalem! 



236 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. . 

There can be no more doubt upon the subject 
Lost Israel has been found. The proofs are irre« 
futable. 

If I might be permitted to contribute to the work 
already done by the Society, I should like to add one 
more proof, which appears to me to be conclusive. 
The house of Judah w^as told : *' Behold, My servants 
shall drink, but ye shall be thirsty" (Isa. Ixv. 13). 

I find in an official report, got up by the English 
Government in 1877, that the number of persons 
arrested for drunkenness in England alone that is to 
say, without counting Scotland and Ireland, where 
tippling is quite as popular as in England, w^as, in 
the year 1876, no less than 104,174. Out of this 
number 38,880 were women ; and since the year 1876 
these ugly figures have not diminished. 

If you consider that the number of drunkards 
arrested in the street for disorderly conduct only 
represent a very small portion of the persons ad- 
dicted to drink, since there is no law to prevent any 
one from getting intoxicated in his own house, and 
the drunkards arrested are only those who are utterly 
helpless, or who cause disorder in the streets, you 
will be convinced that, to employ the style of the 
Society, since the British nation alone can produce 
such figures, ergo she must be Israel.* 

* This new proof of mine has been pronounced so irrefutable by 
my friends that they expect to see me elected a Fellow of the Society 
▼ery shortly. 



XXXII. 

Conclusion- -Difference of Character — The English • ought to be 
Manichseans — What is Patriotism ? — English Hospitality — The 
Union of England and France. 

To sum up in a few words — 

The Englishman is more earnest than we are ; his 
judgment is more sound, more healthy, more unim- 
passioned than ours ; and his patriotism more in- 
telligent. Cold in manner, sober and quiet b}'' tem- 
perament, of a shy and melancholy disposition, 
brought up in the crude training of the Bible, and in 
an austere religion that implants in him almost a 
dread of joy and happiness, the Englishman is less 
lovable and less happy than ourselves. 

Education, climate, and food, all help to account 
for the striking difference that exists between the 
English and French characters. The man, whose 
dinner consists of a pound of beef, a large slice of 
plum pudding, and a tankard of thick, heavy, black 
beer, must certainly look at things in a different 
light from the man who dines off oysters, chicken, 
fruit, the lightest of pastry, and a bottle of Pomard. 

I was speaking one day, in the presence of a few 
Englishmen, of the sorry face that one of the great- 
est French statesmen of the age exhibited at his 
window, between two tapers, on an evening of pub* 



238 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

lie rejoicing. **Ha!" they cried, in chorus, **you 
will admit that no Englishman would do such ^ 
thing as that.*^ 

"You are right," I replied, ''the climate would 
not allow it." 

In this country of contrasts, where, on the one 
hand, you have such high morality, and on the other 
hand such dark and deep-rooted vice, you are 
tempted to wonder how it is that the English are not 
Manichaeans. It really seems as if dualism must 
preside over the destinies of England ; there need 
be no hesitation in affirming that in this country 
good and evil are greater than in France, — a judg- 
ment which M. Taine pronounces, though timidly. 

We are constantly accusing England of being self- 
ish in her policy. But is not patriotism the most 
manifest and excusable form of selfishness ? Is it 
selfishness to prefer one's mother to any other 
woman ? Is it selfishness to think one's children 
handsomer and more intelligent than those of other 
people ? Is it selfishness to accept a good situation, 
rather than refuse it and offer it, like a good Chris- 
tian, to one's neighbour ? Show me a country that 
opens its doors more hospitably and generously to 
the foreigner. Show me another country where he 
meets with so much attention and respect. All 
that is required of him is that he shall respect the 
law ; and, short of being able to sit in Parliament, 
he enjoys all the privileges of a born Englishman. 

John Bull's patriotism is intelligent. As a man 
of business, he never enters into the perils of a war, 
unless he is pretty sure of benefiting himself in some 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 239 

way ; and the Continental Powers, who keep up 
great standing armies at an enormous expense, to 
acquire in return nothing but a little glory, are jeal- 
ous, and grumble. In the year 1878, at the time 
when England and Russia were shaking their fists 
at each other, I read in a newspaper that a Russian 
coachman, discovering one day that he was driving 
an English fare, politely begged him to alight, and 
indignantly refused the money that was offered to 
him. Now this is not patriotism, as John Bull un- 
derstands it. A London cabman, under similar cir- 
cumstances, would have doubled his charge. 

M. Alexis de Tocqueville has drawn a portrait 
of the Frenchman that appears to me to be hit 
off to the life. ** Worshipping hazard, power, suc- 
cess, brilliancy, and fame, more than true glory,'* 
says this great writer; **more capable of heroism 
than of virtue, of genius than of good sense ; with 
more aptitude for conceiving immense designs than 
for carrying through great enterprises ; the most 
brilliant nation in Europe, and the best calculated 
to become in turn an object of admiration, of hat- 
red, of pity, of terror, but of indifference — never ! '* 
On the contrary, the Englishman has greatness, but 
no magnanimity ; virtue, but no heroism when Brit- 
ish interests are not at stake. He is not so bril- 
liant or so impulsive as his neighbour more richly 
endowed by Nature, but he is more independent, 
more enterprising, more persevering, and more wise. 

France and England together would seem to unite 
in themselves all the qualities that intelligence and 
industry can develop, and the union of these two 
great nations, which, under the reign of a virtuous 



240 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

queen, has been steadily growing more and more 
perfect, justifies the hope that only in the arts of 
peace will they ever again be rivals ; and that, hand 
in hand, they will ever be found mutually encourag- 
ing each other in the path of progress and liberty. 

Let us conclude by quoting Voltaire's saying : " If 
I had had to choose my birthplace, I would have 
chosen England." 



APPENDIX. 



(A.) — At Devon Assizes (April, 1883), a convict 
was tried for maliciously wounding with intent to 
kill a warder of the Dartmoor prison. The deputy- 
governor of Dartmoor prison was called, and said 
that when the prisoner was brought to him, he asked 
him if he had anything to say for himself, upon 
which the prisoner replied that he did not care if he 
swung for it. 

Prisoner (interrupting). — " I do not remember say- 
ing that to you." 

Governor, — " That only proves what an unmiti- 
gated liar you are." 

Judge (to witness). — "You are here to give evi^ 
dence, and not to insult the prisoner, whom it is my 
duty to protect." 

Governor, — " My lord, the prisoner is one of the 
worst characters in the prison." 

Judge (to witness). — *^ If I hear you make another 
*^tatement against the prisoner extra-judicially, I 
shall mark my opinion of it in a very decided man- 
ner. We are here to try the prisoner, not upon his 
antecedents, but upon the facts. ... I am aston- 
ished that the deputy-governor should have used 
16 



242 JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 

such observations for the purpose of prejudicing 
the prisoner's case. It was discreditable to him as 
an official, and disgraceful to him as a gentleman 
and a man. I must caution the jury not to let the 
disgust which they may feel at that attempt lead 
them into a wrong direction to a feeling of sympa- 
thy with the prisoner. The foolish and wicked ob- 
servations of the deputy-governor will certainly not 
have the effect he intended." 

The jury, however, found the prisoner guilty, and 
he was sentenced to fifteen years' penal servitude. 

(B.) — Eleven criminals were hanged in England, 
Scotland, and Ireland; during the month of May, 
1883. 

The following words are extracted from a speech 
of Mr. John Bright, delivered in Ma}^, 1883 : — 

^^ But to show how little influence the Christian 
Church, the Church of England, had with the Gov- 
ernment of our country in these matters, let me tell 
you that up to the reign of George the First, 
there were in this country sixty-seven offences that 
were punishable with death. Between the accession 
of George the First and the termination of the 
reign of George the Third — I think within those 
limits — there were added 156 new crimes to which 
the capital punishment was attached. Now during 
all these years, as far as this question goes, our Gov- 
ernment was becoming more cruel and more barbar- 
ous,— (hear, hear) — and we did not find, and have 
not found, that in the great Church of England, 
with its ten, fifteen, or twenty thousand ministers, 
and with its more than a score of bishops in the 



JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. 243 

House of Lords, there ever seems to have been a 
voice raised or an organization formed in favour of 
a more merciful code, or any condemnation of the 
enormous cruelty which our law was continually 
inflicting. (Hear, hear.) Was not Voltaire justi- 
fied in saying that the English w^ere the only people 
who murdered by law ? (Hear, hear.) '* 



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